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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheating BIL

75 replies

Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 20:17

BIL (DH brother) has left DSIL to move in with OW after a period of trying to work it out after the affair first being found out.

DSIL is lovely. We are close and she deserves so much better than this. Thankfully no DC involved as an aside.

DH and I are so disappointed in his choices.

I’m now envisioning soon being introduced to OW as his GF and family gatherings etc.

I get that people break up under similar circumstances all the time but I don’t have experience with this angle. Please wise ladies of MN advise me/us on what to say, how to behave towards them as a ‘new couple’. 😒

AIBU that as I care for my DSIL I can’t just be all nice to the OW? But how do you behave so as not to sever all ties? It’s DH brother after all and it’s just maddening that he’s such a prick.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Atthebottomofthegarden · 10/08/2018 21:12

Honestly, I don’t think it’s for you to comment. No-one knows how anyone else’s marriage works - or doesn’t work. Just be pleasant without being super friendly to OW when you are introduced. By all means stay friends with SIL if you’d like that, but don’t get drawn into slagging off OW.

You may actually find that OW is remarkably similar to SIL, and in a few years with water under the bridge she may become a friend too (if she is still around!). People often replace partners with a similar but younger model after all!

AcrossthePond55 · 10/08/2018 21:18

TBH, I'd probably avoid both of them for awhile, even if it meant foregoing family gatherings. But if that wasn't an option I'd be treating them 'both with the same cold courtesy as they're both equally to blame for SiL's unhappiness.

No, BiL shouldn't have stayed in the marriage if he wasn't happy. But he also shouldn't have cheated. He should have been honourable and told SiL that he wanted to end the marriage as soon as he realized he wanted out. SiL would still have been hurt, but at least it wouldn't have been the double pain of betrayal and divorce.

diddl · 10/08/2018 21:25

" MIL was so desperate to maintain relations that she invited EXSIL with her new baby."

I'm guessing she wanted to see her GC?

But why couldn't she have done that when her son had them?

Idk Op, I'd also want to have nothing to do with the for a while.

As a pp has put though, he'll likely still be included in family things & so she probably will also.

Have a seperate relationship with your SIL.

SandyY2K · 10/08/2018 21:26

Brought her round to meet DSIL for tea with her BF after they were already shagging (as was discovered later).
Can’t fathom doing that on either of their parts.

That's disgraceful. Knowing the sheer cruelty of that, I'd definitely avoid the both of them.

Good thing they don't have kids together.

Gabilan · 10/08/2018 21:29

she is the type of woman who would sleep with someone else’s husband

She is, yes and I don't approve of cheating. That said, it does seem that they want to make a go of it. We can't really know what's going on in someone else's relationship or how it feels to them. And as lovely as your DSIL is, it does seem that for whatever reasons, your Bil was not happy.

I'd just be civil to them. Watch points and keep an open mind. Maybe he's a wanker and she's a bitch. Or they're two fairly normal people who made a hash of things initially but are trying to work it out now.

sprinklesandsauce · 10/08/2018 21:30

you will no doubt have to be civil because she his is partner, but you don't have to be friendly. You don't have to condone their actions, but you might have to speak to her. You don't need to hang out with her though or get to know her if you don't want to. I would hope that you would try and maintain your friendship with SIL .

We had this situation with friends more than once. The first time we met the gf of XH's friend, she was married to somebody else. We made the decision not to hang out with them again unless the marriage ended. The marriage did end and she married XH's friend. (she is now married to XH but that's another story). I wish now that we had had nothing to do with them at all.

With the other friend, his wife has left him. yes there are two sides etc, but only one of them was fooling around with other men, texting them and having sex. She could have left the marriage without doing that to him and hurting him so badly. So I am civil to her too but nothing else. It's hard because she was a good friend to me when I needed it, but I can't get over how she has treated her H.

Gabilan · 10/08/2018 21:31

Brought her round to meet DSIL for tea with her BF after they were already shagging (as was discovered later).

OK that's just nasty. And weird.

LeftRightCentre · 10/08/2018 21:34

Honestly, I don’t think it’s for you to comment.

I feel entirely entitled to comment and behave how I damn well please concerning my lying, cheating dick of a brother. He's a fucking arsehole for doing that, his OW is, too. I want nothing to do with either one of them. No one has to engage with a person they don't want to because 'it's not for you to comment'.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 10/08/2018 21:42

As someone who saw this with her friend I would say it's too soon to "accept" the new dynamic.

I'd say to DBIL and OW. " we're all adults here so I'm sure you understand this is awkward as I'm friends with DSIL. I'm her support so once she's through this, I'll look forward to meeting up with you both"

Sometimes you need to take sides. DSIL is on her own. Sure it won't help her to think that the four of you are all chummy. I think you need to help your friend regardless that the marriage breakdown is her responsibility too.

diddl · 10/08/2018 21:46

"Brought her round to meet DSIL for tea with her BF after they were already shagging"

That is nasty & cruel.

I'd avoid as much as possible for as long as possible!

Treesaw · 10/08/2018 21:49

I am in this situation at the moment. My DB had an affair and left SIL and the DC. My parents are expecting me to side with him and I can’t, so they are also currently not speaking to me.
I haven’t seen DB since before it all went public, and I don’t plan to see him for some time. I’m attempting to keep relationship with SIL and the DC going. My parents seem to think we will all be meeting the OW and I have no intention of being available if she is going to be there. At least not for quite some time. I appreciate if (and it’s a big IF) she stays in his life I will probably have to meet her at some point, but I intend to only be civil, nothing more. I plan to stay away from family meet ups for the next few months.

TotHappy · 10/08/2018 21:53

I don't really get this 'no one should stay in a marriage where they're not happy' thing either tbh. I appreciate its sometimes shorthand for 'no one should stay in a marriage where they're permanently, chronically unhappy with no prospect of change' but some people do seem to use it as a reason to leave when that really isn't the case. Pp have hinted that there must have been something wrong with Sil for him to be unhappy enough to cheat, and that may be so, but honestly? Ot might just be that she got sick, or depressed, or fat, and he didn't like it. Or it may be that as she got older she realised her own worth and started thinking more independently, making decisions that were sometimes prioritising her not him, generally growing into herself and he didn't choose to grow with her, recognise and appreciate the new her, but just wanted an easy out because he was out of his comfort zone.

I guess I'm saying 'unhappy' can mean a multitude of different things. And if you want out becaus of the latter sort of unhappiness, just don't get married at all. That's not what marriage is about.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/08/2018 21:54

NewYearNewMe18
BIL can do what he wants. Nobody has to like it though or put up with him or his new woman. That's up to the OP obviously but in her shoes I wouldn't be rushing in to inviting them round for Sunday lunch.

Have you been the OW or something. Your posts are weird.

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/08/2018 22:17

Don't be so unctuous.

Eh? Don't be so oily?

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 10/08/2018 22:17

It's not about judging the rights and wrongs of his behaviour.

It's standing by DSIL, a friend that is going through a horrendous time. There is nothing worse as the abandoned party, than people being all British and staying polite to both sides. He's fine. He's got the OW. DSIL needs to know she is your priority in this mess.
When it's all moved on in a year or so, then you regroup if necessary.

Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 22:24

@tothappy the latter aspect of your post rings very true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 22:34

@tothappy

This bit-

“Or it may be that as she got older she realised her own worth and started thinking more independently, making decisions that were sometimes prioritising her not him, generally growing into herself and he didn't choose to grow with her, recognise and appreciate the new her, but just wanted an easy out because he was out of his comfort zone”

YES.....

Plus he’s always been a selfish, difficult, somewhat unpleasant person and I’ve known him even longer than I’ve known my DH and he’s always been like that - so this isn’t even my anger about what he’s chosen to do now. She’s a saint for trying to make it work with him as he was always hard work just as an individual.

DSIL was young compared to him when they married, didn’t realise what he was like as she was blinded by a number of things and then blossomed and all that.

The OW is younger still than DSIL, who is still young. Just a bit older than DSIL when they got married. She’s got it all to come. Apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 22:44

@treesaw I’m sorry you’re also going through this.

I also expect a degree of my PIL wanting to welcome OW and I’m unsure how to handle as well. There is a milestone birthday coming up for one of them and we were beating tonight as to whether he’ll have the gall to bring her. Knowing them they’ll be all polite and just to keep him happy welcome her despite the awkwardness. But we’re hoping he’ll avoid. Otherwise DH has said we will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 22:45

Not beating. *debating

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 10/08/2018 23:04

Nobody has to stay in any relationship they aren't happy in...for whatever reason. But at least have the balls - and the decency - to end it before sleeping with someone else.

Chucklecheeks1 · 10/08/2018 23:09

When my ExH cheated all of his family cut contact with me when i wouldn't pretend everything was fine. My children came back from spending time with them asking if they knew dad had left as they acted as though nothing happened.

When i asked them to stop pretending in front of the children I was told they'd get back in contact when it had all calmed down. I told them not to bother.

I still get wedding anniversary etc cards from ExH extended family three years after the divorce as no-one has told them.

Losing half of my family over night hurt more than the affair. They stood back and watched him try to throw us out of the family home to the point he threatened to move him and OW in if we didnt leave. He was verbally, finacially and emotionslly abusive to me and the kids.

They wanted the simple life whilst my children suffered at his hands. Ill never forgive them.

Sometimes you need to take sides, my in laws should of taken their grandchildrens side. Pick your SIL, she is alone and its a scary lonely place to be. Your DB has OW.

Original poster
Camperqueen · 10/08/2018 23:13

@chucklecheeks1 that’s rough. Yes she’s in a similar if not weirder boat as there are no DCs. So she’s just cut adrift.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 10/08/2018 23:15

Personally, I would cut them both out of my life and I would blank them if I ever saw them again.

ToadsforJustice · 10/08/2018 23:20

Just to add, my brother did this. I cut him and the OW off. I still see my DSIL and the children. My parents also took SILs side and looked after the DC when my dead beat brother was spending all his money taking OW on exotic holidays rather than supporting his DC. He also tried to kick SIL out of the family home. Tosser.

Chucklecheeks1 · 10/08/2018 23:23

Its a horrid place to be knowing youve been replaced overnight, it really is soul destroying. To of been told that they still cared about me, or even just the kids would of made a lot of difference. And would of saved me a year of counselling.

I see it now for what it is, they were ashamed/embarrassed of their sons behaviour. They couldnt deal so continue to live in their bubble.

They were weak and it made me even stronger for my kids. Like your SIL i had started to appreciate my worth, i learnt to say no. So ExH found someone who always agreed with him. He vilified me and his family chose to believe it. I suppose it made it easier to cut me off.

It also came to light that his mum covered for him when hed been with the OW. That hurt more than my exh cheating bizarrely.

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