Cheating BIL

[Camperqueen]

BIL (DH brother) has left DSIL to move in with OW after a period of trying to work it out after the affair first being found out.

DSIL is lovely. We are close and she deserves so much better than this. Thankfully no DC involved as an aside.

DH and I are so disappointed in his choices.

I’m now envisioning soon being introduced to OW as his GF and family gatherings etc.

I get that people break up under similar circumstances all the time but I don’t have experience with this angle. Please wise ladies of MN advise me/us on what to say, how to behave towards them as a ‘new couple’. 😒

AIBU that as I care for my DSIL I can’t just be all nice to the OW? But how do you behave so as not to sever all ties? It’s DH brother after all and it’s just maddening that he’s such a prick.

Thanks.

@NewYearNewMe18

You’re talking like the kind of person who condones this kind of thing - perhaps you’ve done it yourself?

Either way, the OP is allowed to have her own opinions and be confused about what to do in this situation. It’s not the ‘norm’ for most people at the school gates as you have mentioned, and it shouldn’t be.

OP, it's a scenario that resonates with me at the moment for various reasons. Woman starts to have that epiphany moment of 'hang on, this is MY life!', starts living it, setting some boundaries, making some decisions, man feels under attack and seems to genuinely believe that her no longer going along with whatever is best for him is her being unreasonable.

The sense of entitlement is so strong that some men are genuinely outraged that she has changed her tune like this. It's very sad that they can't or won't see that its not her behaviour now which is wrong, it was her subservient, appeasing behaviour all those years before.

To quote Grey's Anatomy: He's not the sun. You are.

Personally, I would cut them both out of my life and I would blank them if I ever saw them again

Agreed.

My cousin cheated on his wife. Five years later, I still haven't spoken to him (and nor has most of the extended family). But I'm good friends with his ex wife; in fact we have several social outings together coming up.

Speaking from experience it's very possible that the other woman will be his partner for a while then she will be new SIL then there will be another OW. Just be civil to anyone he introduces and don't bother telling him how you feel about things, what would it achieve anyway?

You have every right to remain friends with SIL and if you do be pleased that she isn't shackled to a cheating tosser and can live a life free from him.

The only "difficulty" might be if they have kids & you want a relationship with them.

@diddl yes that would be really challenging- it’s awkward enough as it is.

Well tomorrow may well be the day. Family gathering all weekend for a milestone birthday & I know BIL is there as SIL has said.

FIL choked over his words when telling us about his guests today and counted someone twice, excluding BIL.

BIL has not been in touch with DH since this all happened. He’s apparently telling others they’ve split and he’s with someone new, but hasn’t had the balls to speak to his brother.

It’s entirely likely that the OW is there now and will be there tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. I have RBF at the best of times & while I don’t wish to be unpleasant, I don’t want him to come away with any other feeling than we are very disappointed in his actions. Ignoring it and being pleasant sort of undermines what a lying cheat he’s been. Idk....

You risk creating a rift in the family. I know your BIL hasn’t behaved the way you wanted him to, but there’s no need to be cold or distantly polite to him and his new GF. Just act normally, get to know her and be nice. There’s no reason to create bad feeling.

I speak as someone who’s been there with a cheating ex. I would never expect his family to take my side over his - he is their son/brother/uncle.

It’s understandable that you feel sad for ex-SIL. You need to put that aside and start off on a good footing with his new GF.

It’s just so unfair. He’s been the worst husband and he just gets everyone pussyfooting around him. This GF has been sold a pack of lies already. She’s significantly younger and if it lasts (which I doubt, as things started like this rarely seem to) he’s just going to suck her best years out of her as he did to SIL. I just wish someone would hold him accountable. I want to hold him accountable. He knows what he’s done is shameful, or he’d have spoken to his brother about it.

Yes it is shameful but it’s his life. He doesn’t need to speak to your DH about it. He’s made his life choices and all you can do is be kind about whatever choice he’s made right now.

You can be disappointed in him, but you dont need to show it on the first day you meet his GF. You also need to contain your dislike of the fact she’s younger and all the rest, she’ll find out what he’s like soon enough.

I would have to cold shoulder them both if they showed up tomorrow. I just couldn't be nice.

Thanks. To be clear, the fact that she’s younger isn’t a sore point for me, or even for SIL. it’s more that he denied SIL children that she desperately wanted and took those years from her. So now a decade on she’s in the latter phase of prime childbearing years and panicking about meeting someone after the divorce in time to still have the children she’s always wanted. I’m sure he’s spinning the same Prince Charming act he played on SIL with this woman and she’s envisioning the perfect family life SIL was originally sold.

@thebluedot rereading your message, we both totally take her side though, that’s the thing. And we think thats OK. And he knows it, and PILs know it. She’s by everyone’s, including BIL’s admission a completely innocent party in all this and he’s been hard work throughout their marriage. She’s done her very best and he’s just taken advantage of her good nature. I think standing up for the wronged party, despite family ties, is important.

she is probably very nice

Assuming she knew he was married she probably isn't. In fact as someone who hates gambling I would be prepared to put a tenner on one or other of them cheating in the next 5 years. Some people just can't cope with the mundanity of a long term relationship, they need the thrill of the early part

OP it's not the same but my brother has had several long term relationships and each time we have liked her and each time they have split up and we have been sad but it's his life not mine. Remain friends with sil that's fine but also be civil to all women bil introduces. Keep your distance though and Mark my words - this will not be the last woman he introduces you to.

@misseliza I’m feeling that way..... DH asked PiL to tell us if she’d be there, and that we would not attend if she was. They said she hadn’t explicitly been invited. But then the caginess we sensed from FIL today made us think perhaps they turned up and they just went with it. Who knows. Odds on they clear out before we get there tomorrow if that’s the case.

@garethsouthgatesmrs she definitely did know he was married - as I posted a couple weeks ago he brought her over after they were already shagging to have a couples dinner with her ex boyfriend.

Oh and I believe you about it not being the last one!!

It seems to be turning into a drama - saying you won’t attend if new GF will be there?

Ok, you’re not happy with BIL. You support ex wife over him. You don’t like BIL.

But despite all that, you don’t need to make it about you and a drama by refusing to go to family events if new GF is invited. Accept BIL has moved on and be civil. Provide support to exSIL by being there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on or practical help - not by causing rifts or drama in your actual family unit.

What @TheBlueDot said.

It’s certainly not about us at all- It about not legitimising it (at this point). Only weeks ago they were in couples counselling trying to sort it out, meanwhile he was making plans to move in with this woman. and now we’re supposed to just act like it’s all normal and etc at a garden party ? I understand that with time it may be different, but don’t think that it’s normal to just feel able to open your arms to welcome the new lady at this point ! Hence why we said we’d remove ourselves from having to do so if she was going to be there.

I'd attend and ignore the OW. A cordial hi to BIL is all I'd do. Then just chat to others.

I don't think I'd enjoy the event with BIL and OW in attendance. I'd find it too uncomfortable tbh.

Your SIL wanted a baby? Why did she stay with him when he didn't want kids...and now he's gone. Don't people discuss these things before marriage.

@sandy2k ....they did discuss it before and were planning a family in a couple of years. He changed his mind after marriage & then strung her along with distant hope that one day he’d be ready.

Ok. Just do what you want. He did. Ignore him/them. You won't be the only ones.

I doubt he'll care.

Considering missing a milestone birthday because he'll be there and you dont want to "legitimise" what they've done. Wtf?

I'm not surprised he's not been in touch with his brother !

Just go. Avoid them or ignore them. Enjoy the afternoon and your moral superiority and continue to support your SIL.

I'd attend and ignore the OW. A cordial hi to BIL is all I'd do.

I'd be the other way round. OW isn't the one who broke her vows, and who knows what lines BIL may have spun her about the state of his marriage.

I also think the new partner deserves to know the truth about him before she throws the best years of her life away on the piece of shit BIL.

Yeah I couldn't exchange niceties.
I'd say "hi" and that's it. If it gets uncomfortable leave.

I'd stand by my SIL. Brother or not. They are both ugly people. He can do what he likes and, well, so can you!
I try not to surround myself with those types of people anymore.

I get in life mistakes are made. But they have some balls showing up all cosy, so soon after. That in itself is gross.

A few months ago, you would have been there with SIL celebrating. It's complete cringe!

@LakieLady no true. But she sat across the table sharing a conversation and food with a women whos husband she was having sex with.
That's not a nice person, no matter what he spun her.