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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy condoms

74 replies

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 12:46

I have posted before about my DS visiting his GF - she lives in another country and he is travelling to stay with her (and her family of course). DS is 17, DGF is 18.

So, I went shopping today for some bits and pieces for his trip. Toothpaste, new toothbrush, razors etc. I also put a box of condoms in the bag.

My friend was visiting earlier and I made the mistake of asking her opinion as she has a son of a similar age. She was horrified that I'd done this.

My rationale is that I don't want him taking risks in a foreign country.

Her take is that I am enabling sex before marriage .

AIBU?

OP posts:

notenoughbottletonight · 23/06/2018 12:47

YANBU I was having sex much younger than that. I think you've done the sensible thing actually!

sparklepops123 · 23/06/2018 12:48

They're not going to just have sex because you bought condoms. They either are or aren't and if they are at least they'll have protection

SparklyMagpie · 23/06/2018 12:49

YANBU ! Nothing wrong with that :) I'm sure your son will thank you

Crunchymum · 23/06/2018 12:49

What century does your friend live in?

Sex before marriage???? Hope you pulled her up on her outdated view?

I don't know anyone my age (late 30's) who hasn't had sex before marriage.

Kittykat93 · 23/06/2018 12:50

YANBU. A lot of teenagers have sex before 17 anyway. You're just promoting safe sex which is obviously sensible. Ignore your friend.

PinkHeart5914 · 23/06/2018 12:51

I think buying a box of condoms and discreetly leaving in the bedroom ( or in your case leaving them in the bag ready for holiday without making a fuss) of a teenage son or daughter is a responsible thing to do tbh.

Thing is men and women should both insist on condoms early on in realtionships for obvious reasons and some youngsters are embrassed to buy them.

Also sex before marriage is very much the normal these days and nothing wrong with that I mean you wouldn’t buy a car without a little test drive!

Original poster

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 12:53

Not sure if we can actually be real friends. She went into some detail about her views - marriage/religion being the basis...

Given I am not religious and hadn't really known that she had such conviction, I initially thought she was joking so I laughed. It soon became a rather uncomfortable conversation.

OP posts:

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 23/06/2018 12:53

I think you're being realistic and she's under estimated her teenager! The issue for me would be more how my teen would deal with it. I'd have been a bit mortified even though I would have used them.

mangomama91 · 23/06/2018 12:54

Oh goodness, I thought you were going to say that your friend thought it would be too cringy to do that not because of sex before marriage 😂
They're 17 and 18, yadnbu. You have been a responsible parent.

And @Crunchymum 😂😂

Banana8080 · 23/06/2018 12:54

You’re a top awesome mum!!

Original poster

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 12:59

He may not use them. But I am realistic enough to know that it is likely and I don't want him stuck in a strange place and taking a chance.

I got the impression from my friend that she thought I was a bit over invested and as I said in OP enabling a sexual relationship. All very unfamiliar territory.

Being a parent of a young adult is complicated.

OP posts:

SaltyPeanut · 23/06/2018 13:01

You are being a caring and thoughtful cool modern mum. Your friend has every right to her beliefs but no right to attempt to push them onto you in any way. She really should have kept her judgemental thoughts to herself.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 23/06/2018 13:03

I'm vaguely religious and like the idea of only having sex with your spouse (though I fell far short of that mark myself 😂). But I still think you were being sensible, OP. And I suspect your DS will be eternally grateful for your discretion in just slipping them in and not subjecting him to a lecture discussion.

TheHandmaidsTail · 23/06/2018 13:07

Very sensible.

But if she mentions it again say "Yeah but anal can get so messy?"

Original poster

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 13:08

Glad to know that IANBU.

I felt a bit rotten after she left. We haven't navigated this type of thing before, so it's good to know that others agree with me.

My mistake for breaking my own golden rule - keep what happens behind our doors to ourselves. There is always somebody who does it differently.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 13:08

Hahaha Handmaid

OP posts:

TornFromTheInside · 23/06/2018 13:10

It's almost inevitable that they'll have sex - and if not, no harm done. If they do, then you've removed one possible issue of not having condoms in the heat of the moment.

Sensible approach I would say. You're not giving a green light to sex (you're in no position to give it!), you're looking out for two young people with the benefit of being older and wiser.

huiphi · 23/06/2018 13:13

Condom issue aside, how did your son meet this girl? Over the internet? Has he met her in real life? If he's never met her before I would be really concerned...

vdbfamily · 23/06/2018 13:13

I also am a Christian and hope and pray that my children will wait until at least in a long term committed relationship,preferably marriage. The main thing that worries me about parents doing this sort of thing is that in some ways, if a child has decided to wait or does not feel ready, I think it adds a bit of pressure, that even your mum thinks you should be having sex. If a teenager is mature enough to be in a sexual relationship, surely they are big enough to sort out their own contraception as required. To me, you are setting an expectation by that action.

Namechangedname · 23/06/2018 13:14

I so wish my mum had done this with me. No, you're a very responsible mum who knows how things are likely to play out, when he's there..rather than brushing it under the carpet 😊

Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 13:15

I don't think this is a good idea at all. You are contributing to the impression so many teens get that being sexually active is normal and expected. As a teacher of sex education to teens I know how many of them feel pressurised to become sexually active before they are ready, and with people that they don't really want to have sex with.

I give students the facts about sex nd contraceptives,, and the reasons there is no need to hurry. A good quarter of them have thanked me for empowering them to turn around and say " no thank you, not yet" or "I'm not sure, lets leave it for now" -

(Boys in particular)

Namechangedname · 23/06/2018 13:17

I think it adds a bit of pressure, that even your mum thinks you should be having sex.

No! It's a mum who's covering every eventuality.

If a teenager is mature enough to be in a sexual relationship, surely they are big enough to sort out their own contraception as required

Not necessarily. People get carried away. Not everyone is responsible. I'm in no way referring to your child, op.

2blueshoes · 23/06/2018 13:17

You've done the right thing.

Crinkle77 · 23/06/2018 13:18

He may have already bought his own. Can you have chat with him about it?

Original poster

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 13:19

huiphi yes, of course they have met. They are both studying a language in preparation for uni and met at a language institute (they are both headed to uni in a common country). So have a lot in common. They have been dating for 6 months and I have met her family on Skype.

vdbfamily I am very interested in your opinion. I can see where you are coming from but worry about what might happen in the heat of the moment. He will be in a strange place, this places the full burden on his GF.

OP posts:

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