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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy condoms

74 replies

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 12:46

I have posted before about my DS visiting his GF - she lives in another country and he is travelling to stay with her (and her family of course). DS is 17, DGF is 18.

So, I went shopping today for some bits and pieces for his trip. Toothpaste, new toothbrush, razors etc. I also put a box of condoms in the bag.

My friend was visiting earlier and I made the mistake of asking her opinion as she has a son of a similar age. She was horrified that I'd done this.

My rationale is that I don't want him taking risks in a foreign country.

Her take is that I am enabling sex before marriage .

AIBU?

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 23/06/2018 14:00

Sticking condoms in your 17 year old ds's bag is a sensible thing to do, would have been better if you we open enough and could have handed them to him.

Discussing his sex life with your female friends, rather than him, is inappropriate and I would assume your ds would be horrified if he found out.

gamerwidow · 23/06/2018 14:02

You can’t enable teenagers to have sex but you can enable them to not catch STIs and get pregnant. Buying condoms was a sensible and responsible thing to do as a parent.

Original poster

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 14:03

Weallhavewings. To be very clear we did not in any way discuss his sex life. We discussed what I had bought at the shops.

The conversation was mostly centered on her views - my son was hardly mentioned in this context.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoldenMcOldie · 23/06/2018 14:04

Off to bed. It's late here.

Thanks all for varying views.

OP posts:

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 23/06/2018 14:07

Nothing wrong with that at all. It’s just responsible parenting.

Even if he weren’t in a committed relationship then it would be sensible to be prepared while he’s off travelling. It can be embarrassing to buy them, but more importantly it requires organisation and that’s not always useful if it’s a spontaneous occurrence.

At 17/18 the likelyhood is they’re already sexually active or it’s on the cards. Making sure he’s taking his part in proactive contraception is a great thing to do.

At 17 they are still immature and often not earning their own money. Buying condoms is embarrassing and not cheap. So anything to make that easier if a good idea.

My mum was a strict catholic, only ever slept with my dad. She still brought up the idea of a box of condoms in the bathroom that we could all use if needed. This was at the height of the AIDS publicity in the late 80s/early 90s. We all said we’d rather buy our own because she’d be counting them to see where they’d gone! But appreciated the offer nonetheless.

Time40 · 23/06/2018 14:13

I think you've massively overstepped the mark to be honest. Your son at 17 should be buying his own condoms and his own toothpaste

I agree. I think you'll probably embarrass the poor boy. And at 17, he should be buying all his own stuff. I'd have thought it was weird if my mum had still been doing my shopping when I was 17.

vdbfamily · 23/06/2018 14:17

However your friends views are extreme. Sex before marriage is normal and healthy. I would be more concerned if my children ended up getting married before they had sex. Most people live together and experience life's ups and downs before making what is supposed to a life long commitment to each other.

AS someone who managed to happily survive to the age of 33 before getting married and having sex for the first time on honeymoon, I would agree that that approach is rare these days but not 'extreme'.
If your 'courting' is not all about sex, you actually get to know each other quite well during that time and because you want to have sex but are both committed to waiting, it kind of refines your thinking into whether you actually could spend a lifetime with that person as opposed to just enjoying sex and then finding when things become more settled in the relationship, you actually have little in common. I had not lived with my husband before we married and I absolutely loved getting married. Nobody these days gets to enjoy the 'honeymoon period' any more because they have had that with usually several people before they eventually marry.
The reason I want that for my children is that I do not want them to be emotional wrecks when they settle down. I don't want them to have had numerous long term partners that they are forever comparing their partner to. I don't want them to have to bump into people all their life who they have been sexually intimate with. I don't want them to have STI's and unwanted pregnancies that even contraception cannot guarantee protection from. I want them to be sure that the person they are with truly loves them for being them.
If you are with someone and refuse to have sex until married, it certainly gets rid of any commitmentphobes before you are in too deep.
It is not such an extreme approach. I think it is a very healthy and sensible one. Having said that, I do understand that my children will make their own choices about such things but they know what we believe and why, and it would be the above reasons we would discuss with them, not just 'because the Bible says so' !!!

motherhood1 · 23/06/2018 14:23

I think that's really responsible of you to do that. You're putting them in his luggage as a precautionary act and that's so sensible and he will thank you for that I'm sure (not literally in words, lol). But as others have said I started having sex a lot younger than that too and my mum gave me a bag of condoms but never ever spoke a word about sex again and I wish she had been a bit more open and explained how I should approach a relationship etc so young, I had to work everything out for myself and that sucked as I made mistakes and got hurt a lot.

WTFnnoh · 23/06/2018 15:26

Don’t kid yourself he won’t be having sex. I think it’s fine to put some condoms in with his toiletries. He may be a little embarrassed that you thought of it but it saves him having to.

Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 15:54

Don’t kid yourself he won’t be having sex.

This is the attitude that is so damaging and destructive to teenagers.

The assumption.

This is what makes them feel like they have to, or there is something wrong with them

gamerwidow · 23/06/2018 17:37

Based on what claretree said above I think it’s a good idea to give the condoms to him along with a chat that they don’t have to anything they are not ready for and it’s ok to wait but if he is ready then you want him to be safe.
That way his prepared but knows no one is expecting him to have sex if he is not ready.

Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 18:55

what gamerwidow says.

bbqseason · 23/06/2018 19:05

Gamer talks sense. Then you've covered all bases.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/06/2018 19:23

Weallhavewings. To be very clear we did not in any way discuss his sex life.

Sorry didn't realise the condoms weren't for sex? Would you be happy with your mum asking her friends what they thought about her buying some condoms to put in your bag for a trip away?

keyboardkate · 23/06/2018 19:33

You've had the talk.

I would just have said something like "be careful out there, and if you need them, condoms are available everywhere" Have a great time son.

I think I would have issues about a 17 yr old meeting an 18 yr old abroad if I were to be perfectly honest! What have the girl's family said about the visit to reassure you, if anything?

Not so easy when the girl is over 18, but there are such things as house rules. Will he have his own room, not that that makes any difference, they can meet and sleep etc. in the middle of the night!

But I'm sure it will all be fine.

keyboardkate · 23/06/2018 19:35

There are very very few 17 year old boys who would turn down the opportunity to have sex with their girlfriend, let's be honest about it.

I'd be focusing on the girl's parent's approach.

If the holiday was reversed, and the girl stayed in your house with your son, what would you say/do?

Metoodear · 23/06/2018 19:37

My son as 3 packs I brought him

BananaHarvest · 23/06/2018 19:37

We bought some when our son was deployed overseas for the first time. Overseas isn’t really relevant but he wouldn’t have had the opportunity before then as under very strict regime when first joined forces.

Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 19:39

There are very very few 17 year old boys who would turn down the opportunity to have sex with their girlfriend, let's be honest about it.

and again, that assumption, that expectation, that pressure to conform to what you are told is normal

keyboardkate · 23/06/2018 19:50

@Clairetree1

It is what it is. Better to meet it upfront rather than think everyone is an angel waiting for marriage. It doesn't work like that anymore.

Yes some may not be ready, but I think testosterone and hormones win out in the end. Masturbation is very frequent in that age group, so you are telling me they would never like to experience full on sex with a willing partner.

What do the girls parents think of the living arrangements. That where my focus would be.

Take the blinkers off.

Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 20:10

so you are telling me they would never like to experience full on sex with a willing partner.

I am telling you becasue this is what I have heard from literally hundreds of boys of that age over many many ears, some before they were sexually active, some after, some already parents, many of whom have thanked me for "giving them permission" to say no, many of whom have told me they wished someone had given them that permission earlier...

no it isn't a case of " it is what it is" - because for some people it is,and for come people it isn't, and your attitude is to make everyone who doesn't feel ready fell inadequate and immature, and that they SHOULD feel ready.

In actual fact, deciding you are not ready is a sign of maturity

keyboardkate · 23/06/2018 20:16

Having sex is one thing, being a parent as a result is another. There are ways to prevent that and still enjoy intimacy with a partner no matter the age.

I wonder what profession you are in or what life you live that puts you into contact with hundreds of boys over many years, but can guess. I doubt any boy of 16/17 would admit that to someone, even if they genuinely believed it. It is instinct to tell older adults to feck off.

I am sorry but you sound very black and white about this. One chaste child per annum will not change the instinct to have sex.

Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 20:18

I am a sex ed teacher

Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 20:22

Just in the last 6 months I have spoken to over 300 teenagers about this, mostly boys.

i don't know what you think is "black and white" we discuss the reasons someone may choose to have sex, and the reasons they may choose not to.

My constant feedback is "thank you for discussing the reasons not to" some are fine with the expectation they will be sexually active at the first opportunity, some are not, they are unsure, uncomfortable, etc, but feel it is expected, and they would be abnormal to say no, and that the whole ordeal is about as fun and natural as a GCSE exam -

in fact, I frequently hear that comparison - its like a GCSE exam , you are expected to pass at 16, or there is something wrong with you

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