To buy condoms

[GoldenMcOldie]

I have posted before about my DS visiting his GF - she lives in another country and he is travelling to stay with her (and her family of course). DS is 17, DGF is 18.

So, I went shopping today for some bits and pieces for his trip. Toothpaste, new toothbrush, razors etc. I also put a box of condoms in the bag.

My friend was visiting earlier and I made the mistake of asking her opinion as she has a son of a similar age. She was horrified that I'd done this.

My rationale is that I don't want him taking risks in a foreign country.

Her take is that I am enabling sex before marriage .

AIBU?

The main thing that worries me about parents doing this sort of thing is that in some ways, if a child has decided to wait or does not feel ready, I think it adds a bit of pressure, that even your mum thinks you should be having sex

I agree with this exactly... so many teen parents I have spoken to, male and female, have said similar to this.

"everybody assumed we would, and no one pointed out there was a viable option of just not"

" It felt like a GCSE exam, and we had to pass it at 16 or be a failure"

etc etc etc,

YANBU, you sound like a really approachable, realistic mum. Your son will probably take this as an opportunity to open up to you and that's a good thing.

I don't think this is a good idea at all. You are contributing to the impression so many teens get that being sexually active is normal and expected. As a teacher of sex education to teens I know how many of them feel pressurised to become sexually active before they are ready, and with people that they don't really want to have sex with.

As a teacher this is also something that worries me. OP, I think you probably did a good thing, but I wonder whether having some available discreetly in a family bathroom might be better- rather than buying them specially.

I think it is very responsible to provide condoms- but I do also think there is a risk we need to be aware of, whereby young people feel that it is expected of them to have sex. I certainly see that in the pupils I teach, and I think we do a great job of teaching about safe sex, but not so great a job of teaching that actually it is normal not to have sex as a teenager.

At that age, of of the mums in our friendship group was a nurse in a family planning clinic. There were always condoms lying around the house, car etc.
It was no accident. She made sure we could all access them if and when we needed to. She also chatted openly to us about FPC, smear tests, contraceptive choices etc in casual conversation.
She was a cool mum. No cringe or over invested there.
I think you've done the right thing OP.

We have had conversations (not today though).

We are open in our expectation that he is respectful, loving and kind. I hope my actions haven't created an inadvertent pressure. I am not going to follow up on giving the condoms with repeating this expectation. We know he is very clear on our expectations of how he deals with people across the board.

In your shoes, my only quandry would be how many condoms to buy him.

I think it's very sensible.
He needs to carry them in hand luggage, going in hold can damage the latex and cause them to burst.

But what did he say when you actually talked to him about it? Or is buying the condoms an alternative to having a conversation?
If they aren’t having sex now I think starting a sexual relationship in a foreign country while staying with the girlfriend’s dad might not be the wisest thing... They’ll be at uni near each other? It can wait till then possibly!

Mine aren’t teenagers yet, but I’d do what you’ve done OP.

impression so many teens get that being sexually active is normal

It is normal, and no-one should ever be made to feel that it's not! Her son is 17, not 13. Grouping young people together as 'teens' when considering sex is deceptive.

Would I give a 13 year old condoms? No, not unless asked by them.

A 17 year old, truthfully I would expect him to have his own, but have no issue with popping them in a bag or something to go away.

My mum was a District Nurse and she used to dump boxes of 24, from work, in my brothers rooms every so often lol

We have had conversations about sex and taking sensible precautions. The conversations were not related to a particular girl.

I totally agree that the timing would not be great. I worry that might not be a deterrent.

24 condoms?

Last me a lifetime! (and that's including the first 5 before I discovered you didn't have to inflate them first)

TornFromTheInside
24 condoms?

Last me a lifetime! (and that's including the first 5 before I discovered you didn't have to inflate them first)

LOL that was just the size of the box I believe

So so hard. I think there must be some puritanical sub-conscious shit going on with me.

My sensible brain says - he is over the age of consent and she is 18. I hope I am being sensible.

A small part of me feels like a bad mother. Minefield of confidence.

Sounds sensible to me. I was a teen who had sex because I wanted to, no pressure or because of expectations, I was just randy. I enjoyed it and didn't regret it but took chances with contraception. My nextdoor neighbour's 15-year-old daughter is currently 6 months pregnant. Poor kid.

It is normal, and no-one should ever be made to feel that it's not!

it is normal, but it is not the ONLY normal.

Teens are being taught that it is abnormal not to be sexually active at a young age.

It isn't.

It is a choice they are free to make, but many teens don't actually realise it is a choice.

I think you did the right thing. It's good to be realistic and good to be prepared!

I think you've massively overstepped the mark to be honest. Your son at 17 should be buying his own condoms and his own toothpaste.

However your friends views are extreme. Sex before marriage is normal and healthy. I would be more concerned if my children ended up getting married before they had sex. Most people live together and experience life's ups and downs before making what is supposed to a life long commitment to each other.

it is normal, but it is not the ONLY normal.

Teens are being taught that it is abnormal not to be sexually active at a young age.

It isn't.

It is a choice they are free to make, but many teens don't actually realise it is a choice.

This, exactly. We need to champion BOTH choices, not just that sex is normal, but that no sex is also normal.

Winnie. Do you have a 17year old? Do they buy all of their own stuff?

I definitely still buy his toothpaste, along with other toiletries, food, some clothes etc.

For what it is worth, I haven't championed any cause.

Arghh. I am doubting myself now.

Let's say they hadn't had sex before and wanted to. Having condoms would be very useful.
At 17, he's probably old enough to work out that you were just trying to be helpful.
I've raised a child (very strictly!) and taught sex ed, including to children from religious families. I've also taken an interest recently in the Irish 'Repeal' campaign and read the testimonies of women who have had crisis pregnancies.

I think you did the right thing. When you and he discuss it, tell him he buys his own in future (no-one really wants their mum taking a provider's role in their sex life), but if necessary, you'll give him the money.

Mary, that is a great idea (about offering the money).

A very interesting perspective too.

Our mum made sure there were condoms in the house that my sister and I could help ourselves to as teenagers. She also made it very clear that we deserved respectful consenting relationships and so did our boyfriends.

I think she is a brilliant mum, for all kinds of reasons but this is one of them. YANBU.

(Also, my sister and I are both in happy, committed monogamous marriages these days. Access to safe sex and a parent who was realistic, open and listening doesn’t appear to have done us any harm)

Top mum!