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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unfair DM and DH think I'm being 'precious'

58 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 23/05/2018 13:37

Due dc2 any time now. We also have a 22 month old. DM is staying with us for a few nights which myself and DH and very greatful for. DH and DM get on really well and usually agree on most things.

I have said I'd like to bring new baby home and settle in say 1 or 2 days no visitors so that DS can get used to having a baby around. DM and DH find it really irritating when people have new babies and set rules etc and I usually wouldn't dream of it but I feel unbelievably guilty on DS to be having another baby I want to make it as easy on him as possible.

My family will be very difficult to tell that we want some alone time we always drop in and me and dsis don't usually go more than 2 days without visiting each other. I will be called precious and it'll irritate them if they can't come straight away to meet the baby. They're already planning how well it's fallen inline with the school holidays.

Aibu or am I being unreasonable? Will it have a negative affect on DS he does lobe visitors I don't know what to do for the best?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 23/05/2018 13:37

Was ment to say aibu or are they being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Mannix · 23/05/2018 13:39

If DS loves visitors and you have your mum around to help out then I do think you’re being a little precious, sorry! But it’s fine to say you’d like to keep visits short while you all get used to the new baby.

Lethaldrizzle · 23/05/2018 13:39

I wouldn't set any rules it's just part of family life and the upheaval of a new baby. I'm sure your ds will be fine. Just don't walk in carrying the new baby

Loyaultemelie · 23/05/2018 13:42

Quite simply do what is best for you at the time. If you have an "easy" birth (not that there is such a thing but you know what I mean) and your DC1 seems relatively settled with DC2 and would enjoy the distraction of visitors then maybe go for it. If you are sore, tired and either you or DC feel overwhelmed then it's perfectly fine to take some time. You don't need to decide now and if dsis is very close to you just tell her you will be playing it by ear.

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 23/05/2018 13:42

Is walking in carrying the new baby not a good idea? I'm really worried about what best to do I was going to just bring her in in her car seat with the toy we've got for her to 'give' him.

OP posts:
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 23/05/2018 13:47

I think getting attention from visitors is quite likely to help your DS, to be honest!

Mammasmitten · 23/05/2018 13:48

I don't think that you are being precious or unreasonable. I agree with Loyaultemelie.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 23/05/2018 13:48

Try to calm down Smile you're obviously apprehensive which is understandable but try and go with the flow.

If you don't feel like visitors then it's ok to say so but if you do then let them come. A new baby is always lovely in the family and people are excited to see it.

A new toy for your older child is a nice idea, I always take one when visiting a new baby to make them feel included.

SilverBirchTree · 23/05/2018 13:48

I wouldn’t issue a rule now, you might feel differently at the time and it also gives people more time to stew on it and turn it into a drama. Have the baby, & if you’re not up for visitors for a few days get DM to let people know ‘OP is tired/difficult birth/fussy newborn’ or whatever ‘still finding our feet, we’ll let you know when we are up for visitors. They are less likely to get shirty with you when the baby has arrived

SilverBirchTree · 23/05/2018 13:49

Oh and YANBU.

I think pregnant women and mothers of newborns should be able to call the shots and bugger everyone else, frankly.

boymum9 · 23/05/2018 13:51

I would try and push for not having an influx of visitors for a time if you feel you want that, have your dm around may be a great help and nice for your ds, if depends on what she's like! We had a huge amount of visitors coming and going in the days after ds2 was born and it was awful i wish I'd set some boundaries, I was exhausted, I was cleaning the floors 1 day pp because the house was such a mess and no one other than my mum and dh were tidying up after themselves, we had 15 people here at one point, it was chaos and I didn't feel like I could ask people to leave, we live 2 hrs from family and people had made the effort (which I was grateful for!)

If we have anymore children I don't want any visitors for a little while!

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 23/05/2018 13:52

Thankyou. I think I'm making it all more of a bigger thing than it really is. Probably something to take my mind off worrying about labour starting! I will just see how things are once baby is here!

OP posts:
pallisers · 23/05/2018 13:53

I agree you should call the shots. But you might want to wait until the day so you see how you feel.

That said, if I was your sister, I'd be going off my head not being able to see the baby!

I would ask everyone who visits to make a big fuss of your toddler and not just the new baby.

Knittedfairies · 23/05/2018 13:56

Look at it from your son’s point of view; not only will there be a new kid on the block vying for attention, but arrival of said kid means no visitors, and you said he loves visits. I think maybe you could concentrate on his new role as a big brother and allow him to show-off the new arrival, if family does visit.

RomeoBunny · 23/05/2018 13:58

Be as precious as you want. It's you that'll have just squeezed a melon out of your foof.

I was rushed in to hospital straight after my home birth so I didn't have a choice but to have help and visitors (medical staff, unrequested family etc) with my next I'll be locking the front door and everyone else can piss the hell off.

It's taken me 12 months to bond properly with my son because everyone else had hold him for the first few weeks.

Do what YOU want.

Mxyzptlk · 23/05/2018 13:58

You should see how you feel at the time and DM & DH are being unreasonable not to say that to you.

Why not get DH or DM to bring the baby in, in the car seat, leaving you free to give your DS a cuddle?

RedPony1 · 23/05/2018 14:08

You shouldn't have to set rules!
We are adults, i'd NEVER try and visit a family member or friend in the first few days/week of them getting home. I drop a text congratulating and say i will visit when they are more settled. It's common sense to give them space, it's nobody elses right to have to visit a newborn

mikeyssister · 23/05/2018 14:09

My advice:

Don't be holding new baby when DS arrives to meet it.
Ask visitors to greet and fuss DS first and new baby second.
Baby should bring DS a present he really wants.
If people are bringing baby a present maybe something small for DS to open too.
Enjoy both your children and breathe.

NoSquirrels · 23/05/2018 14:09

If your DS loves visitors, and they all want to come and will fuss him (rather than just baby) then let them come! The more love the better for your DS.

To be honest, being cooped up with a newborn is hard with a toddler, and so it'll be nicer for him to have people visiting. It takes the focus off mum being stuck to the sofa with a baby.

My DC1 was 21 months when we had DC2. The baby was pretty much roundly ignored Grin

RideOn · 23/05/2018 14:13

If you have just given birth, you are bleeding, probably still pain, tired. Possibly C-section and recovering from surgery, wound etc.

Then at any other time in life, I think you would be able to say "do you know what, I want a couple of days rest and then I'd love you to visit on x date or after." Not to say women cant have people visiting but really you are not being precious, it is a major physical task you are recovering from, even if it goes straightforwardly.

However I don't think it will make any difference at all to your DS who might like the attention of visitors, as long as they are interested in him.

Mxyzptlk · 23/05/2018 14:19

Exactly, RideOn*.
It's not like she's just nipped out for a loaf of bread.

Paperthin · 23/05/2018 14:22

Agree with mikeyssister advice above. I would add - maybe think about a 2 hr window for your Dsis and other close family to come and go for first few days if that’s doable?

MiddleAgedMe · 23/05/2018 14:22

A friend of mine was telling me about when she had her second son. Her oldest son was about three and lots of people came to see the new baby in the first few days and ignored the three year old. After a while her little boy came up to her and said "remember there is another boy too". Your son is a bit younger, but you could ask everyone not to forget to make a fuss of him too.

I'm also of the opinion that it's all about the mother of a newborn in terms of visitors and who holds the baby. It's really important as you may be more tired this time round with looking after your older child too. There's a difference between being precious and anticipating yours and your childrens needs. Good luck and many congratulations :)

AjasLipstick · 23/05/2018 14:26

You're giving your son a sibling! There's absolutely NO need for guilt. He might be a bit put out but he's tiny! He doesn't know anything.

Have visitors. I agree with your Mum and DH. I was once shown a great way to deal with new babies and older siblings...a lady came up to DD who was about 3 and our new little baby in her pram and said to my older DD "Oh! How lucky is that baby to have a sister like you!" and she barely glanced at tiny DD2 Grin But heaped praise on DD1 who gloated happily.

As soon as DD1's back was turned, she had a good coo over the baby!

passmetheloppers · 23/05/2018 14:27

Visitors shouldn't be a problem unless all their attention is on the baby and they forget about your ds. Perhaps you could ask them to make sure they don't unintentionally ignore him, then it should be fine.