Who is being unfair DM and DH think I'm being 'precious'

[Bippitybopityboo]

Due dc2 any time now. We also have a 22 month old. DM is staying with us for a few nights which myself and DH and very greatful for. DH and DM get on really well and usually agree on most things.

I have said I'd like to bring new baby home and settle in say 1 or 2 days no visitors so that DS can get used to having a baby around. DM and DH find it really irritating when people have new babies and set rules etc and I usually wouldn't dream of it but I feel unbelievably guilty on DS to be having another baby I want to make it as easy on him as possible.

My family will be very difficult to tell that we want some alone time we always drop in and me and dsis don't usually go more than 2 days without visiting each other. I will be called precious and it'll irritate them if they can't come straight away to meet the baby. They're already planning how well it's fallen inline with the school holidays.

Aibu or am I being unreasonable? Will it have a negative affect on DS he does lobe visitors I don't know what to do for the best?

I would see how you feel after the birth and make whatever decision you feel is best.

I felt horribly guilty about having a second baby towards the end of my pregnancy with DC2. I was huge and couldn’t really play with DD and just felt like I’d selfishly ruined her happy home just because I wanted another baby. Pregnancy hormones are weird. The baby arrived, DD was very impressed with him and enjoyed showing him off to people and all was well.

Your DS won’t be as traumatised as you think. It’ll all work out okay. Take care of yourself.

we didn't have any visitors for the first few days as wanted time to ourselves and after ds1 with siblings.
I couldn't care less what anyone else thought tbh.
it helps if your dh is on your side though.

You've only said you want one or two days, that's not much time to wait to see a new baby, and it gives you a little time just as a family. If people think you are being precious (which you're definitely not!) then they're being incredibly selfish. If that's what you want to do, put your foot down firmly with your DH and DM and tell them. I always leave it a few days before asking if I can visit a new baby, even in the family as I know myself how private a time it is.

I would say go with your gut.
I actually like your reasoning.
We asked for no visitors with DD2. Not that MIL listened (still bitter!)
We just wanted time as a family, establishing BF-ing and relaxing without entertaining visitors!

I think you should do what seems right at the time , 'rules' aren't necessary. My DC1 was 18 mths when DC2 was born and like you we were lucky enough to have GPs staying for a few days as DH was working. It was a great distraction for DC1 to have things to do and people to see. I could leave the baby for a few minutes for a little walk or we could all go to park together . Friends also visited and we went out a bit .It would have been much tougher and less interesting for the toddler without people coming in and out.

If you have no visitors there will be no way to ‘ease’ your son into having a sibling. Your time will be 90 percent with the baby and there is no detracting from that; he will grow clingy and want you more. At least if you have family around he can get attention from them when you’re feeding / changing the baby.

I had my second when DC1 was 20 months. When we got home from the hospital my DM, DF, DF’s partner, MiL and FIL were all there with DD1! It was fine, no pressure, and DD1 had people to play with her as well as coo over the baby. We brought DD2 in in her car seat and DD1 went straight over to give her a kiss, it was lovely. We never had any jealousy.

but I feel unbelievably guilty on DS to be having another baby I think you need to address this.

I don't think YABU thinking you'll want a quiet few days – it'd be reasonable to want that even WITHOUT your worries about DS!

Let people get upset if they want to. It's about how you feel and what you think you and the new baby need. Your DH needs to support you more, too, rather than finding it 'irritating' that you are expressing your wishes.

I'm having another baby in 2 and a bit weeks. My plan is to invite as many of my friends around with their kids so ds (3) can play with his friends whilst I lounge on the sofa.

I have stressed to all family though that the baby won't remember being oohed over but ds will remember being ignored and that they should always greet him first/give him attention. I'm having an elective section so ds will meet his brother/sister in hospital for the first time and our plan is to a. have presents for them to give each other and b. make sure that the baby is in his or her bassinet thingie when ds arrives so I can make a fuss of him.

I agree with pps - no guilt for you!!
Many people brought DC1 a small gift when they came to visit DC2 and made a HUGE fuss, saying how special it was she's a big sister etc. She loved it; loved the visitors etc.
I agree, you should call the shots, but would recommend you making those decisions when you're home and all has gone well - no need to make rules or get stressed about it.

I completely get where you're coming from and I remember this so clearly. You're not being precious at all. It is hormones, and you are making into a bigger thing than you need to, but it's TOTALLY normal.

Don't carry the baby in your arms, the carseat is fine. DH manhandled DMIL out of the room and DD1, DD2 and I spent some time just introducing each other (there's only a 16 month age gap). I was more up for visitors than I thought I'd be (and certainly more than I'd been the first time) but others are right, it will be nice for your DS to have a fuss made of him for becoming a big brother. He should get to enjoy that too.

The guilt goes really quickly by the way. But it's totally normal - you only know your DS. Even though you're connected, you don't really know your DD yet, so your empathy for her feelings aren't the same.

I have stressed to all family though that the baby won't remember being oohed over but ds will remember being ignored

that is a really good point dinosaur

OP, see how you feel, but make sure that your DM and DH DO get that you will need to play things by ear and that if you say something is too much, it really IS too much and that is all that is important.

*Is walking in carrying the new baby not a good idea?
*
It's a great idea! Make sure that you call new baby "your baby" as in " come and have a look at your baby!" If people refer to new baby as Mummy's baby just make other comments about his baby etc. Let him look hold etc and when he's bored- shouldn't take long make sure that you go and do a fun activity with him sans baby. My DS loved playing in the car so that's what we did. TBH I really missed her - way more than she missed me and really wanted to have a little play with her.

As for the rellies I wouldn't keep them away for the sake of your DS. He'll probably really like all of the fuss.

I don’t think you’re being at all precious OP - 1 or 2 days to spend time with your little one and your newborn is perfectly reasonable.
I’d hate hordes of visitors descending within 48hrs of the birth....

When I had my 2dc me DD can to the hospital to meet him for the first time and have a cuddle with him, he then went back in the cot thing and I had a cuddle with her, it worked well and then I could carry him and cuddle him, when he was asleep I would play with her and talk to her, it is harder now he is older and only has 1 nap.

My DD was 2 1/2 when her twin brothers were born. Whilst we didn't have huge amounts of visitors at first we did have family. DD would have been bored stiff with just me & her Dad having our attention taken up by the babies - it would have made the contrast even more stark. She adored her brothers but constantly wanted to be in their faces, poking & cuddling them and did not stop chattering for one second. She was hyper. Having much-loved family there to distract her and fuss over her sort of eased her into it more gently than if it had been just us. She was very proud to show off her new brothers to family.

Coincidentally I was talking to her about this the other day (she's 18 now, they are 16 next week). She doesn't even remember them coming home! So all the worries about the right way to carry them in the house, fears about how it's going to change your DS's life and how guilty you feel - really just don't, because he has his whole life ahead of him with his new sibling and chances are he won't remember the early days at all.

I know where you're coming from - I was worried about how DD1 would feel when I brought DD2 home. My best advice? Keep your DS's routine as much as you can. Make it as much about him as you can - e.g. visitors are coming to see him because he's a big brother. Could he introduce them to his sister? If he usually goes to a group or a play date, try and keep it. I found it worked wonders. DD1 was thrilled to be a big sister! Hopefully it'll be the same for you.

I’m sad that you feel guilt towards your DS for having a baby- he’ll love having a sibling in the long run, surely? My DS will have to be an only as I had him late and am too old to have any more. I feel guilty for NOT having another baby 😀. Seems guilt is inevitable!

I'm in a similar boat but my dd is 3 so she has a bit more of an understanding I imagine. We have decided that the first 2 days at home will be just the 4 of us. I asked my mum what she thought, she's had 3 kids and works in early years education, she said that it's up to me and my dh and if people don't like it it's their issue.
She has also suggested that when visitors do come, make sure they pay attention to the eldest child first, ask the eldest if they will show them their new baby etc. In other words make it as much about them as you can.
I get what you mean about guilt, it's just being my dd for 3 years and I feel bad that she is going to have this upheaval and I worry how she will react. I think this is normal. We have made her a box of toys that are going to be from the baby, including a big sister teddy and also some toys/books etc that will be easy for me to play with her while I'm feeding etc.

DuchyDuke
If you have no visitors there will be no way to ‘ease’ your son into having a sibling.

Rubbish. Her son has his mother, father and grandma there to help ease him into having a sibling. I really find it hard to accept that mothers who are pregnant or recently given birth aren't respected enough to have their needs met and supported. Also, I'm certain that she knows what her son needs a great deal more than any of us mumsnetters.

I was exactly the same as you, so worried about introducing new baby to my two year old. In the end it was taken completely out of my hands. My labour was so fast that I gave birth on the living room floor with my son having to witness most of it whilst we waited for my mum and the paramedics to arrive. I thought he'd be traumatised for life especially as I was screaming so much but he was fine and went around telling everyone who'd listen about 'my tail' (umbilical cord). It was important that we kept his normal routine so he could see new baby wasn't going to disrupt his life too much so we even sent him to his childminder the next day. Over course of next few days he enjoyed the attention from family coming and going and the extra attention from daddy. He actually was hardly bothered about the baby at all and ignored him most of the time. You can't really plan for it so just go with it. Good luck

I found visitors helpful because they could give DC1 one-to-one attention. My rule for visiting was that they arrive and say hello to and make a fuss of DC1 BEFORE making a beeline for the new baby. Depends on your visitors though, I guess.

Hmm

My own view is that when people call me names then they lose a bit of my respect

My own view, though, is that IF they can come and give your DS a lot of attention, then I agree with Duchy

Are they emotionally intelligent enough to do that? TBH if they over-ride your feelings then I wonder if they are

My DC1 was 21 months when we had DC2. The baby was pretty much roundly ignored

This. With hindsight, I think too much is made about how to introduce a new sibling. Obviously you need to be “kind” to your firstborn but most are more robust than we imagine I think.

DS1 was 24 months old when DS2 arrived and he didn’t seem to bat an eyelid (I felt horribly guilty when I saw him for the first time after having DS2 as he looked so grown up! Be prepared the that :)) he doesn’t remember being an only child now although he does remember the plastic shark DS2 bought him as a gift (he’s 19!).

That said, you get to call the shots about visitors. If your DS loves them then perhaps “banning” them isn’t the best thing to do. I’m not sure there’re necessarily is a “best” thing to do though - just play it by ear.