MIL & babysitting

[endoftether82]

Ok so mil is coming down in a few weeks time. For context she comes down once every few months. We've asked if she wouldn't mind babysitting (we never go out, our 2 dc are 12 months and 2.5). She's said yes but has asked if she could invite round her ex step son, let's call him Dave, (27) and his girlfriend. I have never met either of them. My DH knew the ex step son, but they never see each other, and has also never met the girlfriend.

I feel really uncomfortable about having 2 strangers in our house with the kids upstairs. Obviously I know they'll be asleep and nothing would happen, but I just feel funny about it. If one of them wakes up I think they might be a bit weirded out that there's these people in their house. More broadly, it just doesn't sit right with me. Not sure if I'm being uptight?

DH doesn't like it because there was a lot of drama surrounding mil's 2nd marriage to Dave's dad. He cheated and is generally a pretty pathetic person. MIL and Dave's dad have zero contact but mil is still keen to have a relationship with his sons (she got together with heir dad when they were about 16yo). DH doesn't want to be put in the middle of some sort psycho drama and is resentful that he's been put in the position of having to say yes or no to this request.

So Are we being unreasonable?

I think you are a bit, yep. Your dc aren’t alone with strangers in the house, their Granny is there.

The bit about ‘psycho drama’ doesn’t make much sense in the context you’ve given - I’m still in touch with my ex step kids because I love them, never need to speak to my ex.

I think the psycho drama part is the fact that DH thinks it's very one way traffic with mil desperately trying to keep in touch with the ex step sons, whilst it's generally unreciprocated. So lot's of arrangements with them bailing last minute and then mil moaning to us about it etc. I think he feels that he doesn't want to hear about it anymore and now feels like he's having to facilitate their meet ups.

Thank you for your opinion though, genuinely not sure if we are being unreasonable so it's good to get thoughts.

Yeah, YABU (sorry)!

YANBU, why can't she see them another night? I wouldn't want strangers in my house either.

Well I think that's our thoughts @purplesea

Sorry to drip feed but mil has a slight habit of asking for things without considering how it might make other people feel. So basically putting her needs first. So I think we probably have an annoyance around that anyway.

Why can’t she arrange to see her ex step son another night while she’s there?

If she doesn’t want to babysit then fine but it seems a bit tough on her grandchildren that she doesn’t want to spend time with them without other adults for company. My dc love it when MIL babysits because they really love that time with her.

You don't get to host people in someone else's house. She's being unreasonable. Tell her she's welcome to see them while she's with you, but not when she's babysitting and not in your house.

Does she need there help? Will her babysitting that night stop her seeing step son so she's merging them so she can babysit?

I think YAB a bit U. Your DH knows them and if she did see them another night presumably you would have to see them which is surely worse. You can just make it clear to MIL that you don't want the DC to see them because they are strangers.

However I wouldn't ask to host anyone in someone else's house so Your MIL is a bit U too.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable too. If the children are going to be asleep in bed, I don't really see the problem with her having them round for a few hours.

I do sort of see where you're coming from with not being keen on the idea, but it's not something that would bother me

The children will be in bed, I guess your dh doesn’t want to see them so it gives her a chance to do so without it impacting on him.

I can’t see why it’s an issue tbh

I wouldn’t like it.
I wouldn’t think that anything bad would happen but I don’t think it’s polite to invite 2 strangers ( to you) to someone else’s house
She can meet them for lunch next day or something

We are very protective and wouldn't allow people we've never met in the house with DC's, no.

I think she probably thinks she is being considerate - she knows your DH doesn't want to see him, so she's chosen to see him at the only time which won't involve her missing out on time with your family. She maybe also thinks she'll be a bit bored in someone else's house alone, which isn't unreasonable. I can see why you feel a bit weird about it, but I personally would just let this one go - she is doing you a favour, after all.

I wouldn't like that.

It's not like they're family, you don't even know them.

So basically putting her needs first

If she was putting her own needs first, she wouldn't be babysitting for you

Husbands step brother? I would say no, let her go to them or meet out another time, unless you are happy to meet them too.

You’ll be out, it’s her SDS & his gf, it’s not like she’s invited some random off the street around. It really doesn’t matter what the history is between her and her ex, nor if the SDS isn’t very proactive in maintaining their relationship, she wants to invite them around, it’s low key, no big deal if they they don’t show up as she’s at your house, not sitting in a restaurant or something.

I think it would be really mean to say no.

Fair point @Fattymcfaterson But it does feel like a caveat. "I can babysit, but I want guests to come round"

I don't mind meeting them, it's the fact that we're not here that I'm uncomfortable with.

Interesting mix of opinions. It's obviously a divisive one.
I think my instinct is to be very conservative about things like this, and understand that can sometimes be unreasonable. So it's good to check myself sometimes.

Can't see the issue, myself. She is doing you a favour. If you trust her - and I assume you wouldn't leave your kids with her if you didn't - it's no different to you having strangers in the house. Do you never do that?

On the one hand I don't think I'd made having the step son and girlfriend there as long as MiL was always there too and she is doing you a favour by babysitting. On the other hand if it bothers you can't MiL just see them a different night? Why does she have to combine it with babysitting?

I don't think you are BU. I wouldn't want strangers in my house either.

Having visitors round at your house without you being there is not babysitting, is it? MIL is just using your house as a venue for the evening and your DC will happen to be there but no way will they be getting her full attention as they should be.

I think it would be irresponsible to agree to the idea.

Having visitors round at your house without you being there is not babysitting, is it?

What, so if I have visitors round at my house, I am automatically not looking after my DD, because she doesn't have my full attention? Who knew?

I would not like people I've never met in the house with my kids when I'm not there.
I would explain you are uncomfortable about it and could Mil see them another night. If she kicks up a fuss then she won't be needed to babysit and you'll just get on with it