MIL & babysitting

[endoftether82]

Ok so mil is coming down in a few weeks time. For context she comes down once every few months. We've asked if she wouldn't mind babysitting (we never go out, our 2 dc are 12 months and 2.5). She's said yes but has asked if she could invite round her ex step son, let's call him Dave, (27) and his girlfriend. I have never met either of them. My DH knew the ex step son, but they never see each other, and has also never met the girlfriend.

I feel really uncomfortable about having 2 strangers in our house with the kids upstairs. Obviously I know they'll be asleep and nothing would happen, but I just feel funny about it. If one of them wakes up I think they might be a bit weirded out that there's these people in their house. More broadly, it just doesn't sit right with me. Not sure if I'm being uptight?

DH doesn't like it because there was a lot of drama surrounding mil's 2nd marriage to Dave's dad. He cheated and is generally a pretty pathetic person. MIL and Dave's dad have zero contact but mil is still keen to have a relationship with his sons (she got together with heir dad when they were about 16yo). DH doesn't want to be put in the middle of some sort psycho drama and is resentful that he's been put in the position of having to say yes or no to this request.

So Are we being unreasonable?

I'd do it if asked, but I'd be pissed 😂

YANBU, I wouldn't like people I haven't met in my house either. Tell her to change the time she sees them or don't go out.

I wouldn't like this either, and I wouldn't want two strangers with a weird semi-link to the family who I didn't know in the house while I wasn't there. I just wouldn't.

Can imagine MIL (who is trying to push the relationship) taking them upstairs to 'see the babies sleeping - so cute - your little step-niece/nephew!' into your bedroom, etc.

Just a bit odd.

BUT - mil doesn't have to babysit so I'd deflect it all rather than upset her.

'Oh no MIL, that wouldn't work, they wake up a lot at the mo so we wouldn't want them waking to find a houseful of people they don't know, plus you won't be able to concentrate on catching up with X if you're taken up with the kids. Don't worry, do go out and have fun with X and his girlfriend, we can go out another time.'

I actually think that if she's pushing the 'we are still family' thing, she's qute deliberately asked them as a way of getting them to come to YOUR house and see the kids, as family would do, on her terms as she knows you wouldn't choose to do that yourselves, if you were there. It's all a bit uncomfortable.

@FizzGreenWater that is so spot on

Very well said FizzGreenWater. I know what it's like to have a MIL bully me. It ruined my birth, engagement party (she invited people I never even met) and has soured our relationship. I would nip if in the bud now OP.

I don't see it as bullying. She asked, you can say no.

Yep thought so.

The good thing is that you can nip it without even getting into a discussion. Smoothly tell her the above. It will be interesting to see if she tries to wheedle it in some way - if she does, you'd be justified in getting bloody annoyed because it would be clear then that she's really trying to engineer a situation where she can manipulate things to push her agenda regarding these people, knowing that her son does not want contact.

Bloody annoyed or not though, you don't need a confrontation which is nice. You can shut it down by, if needs be, changing plans at the last minute if you think she'll go behind your back anyway. 'Surprise! We thought again and decided it would be far nicer to go out as a family while you're here, MIL. Have booked restaurant for 6 so kids can eat too. No need for babysitting!'

She will know full well that you are giving her a very clear message - fuck off with trying to shoehorn these people in, they're not family, no-one but you wants contact, they're not even that bothered. And they're not noseying around our house with our kids there when we're not in.

I agree, I don't think it's bullying.

I just think that on this occasion we don't feel comfortable with her request, for various reasons. I think we will suggest meeting on another day.

Thank you all so much for your opinions and suggestions.

I mean it's your house so you can do whatever you want/have whoever you want there but I think you're being a bit over cautious for no real reason and If I was the MIL and I now didn't have time to meet with the step son I'd probably just tell you I cant babysit and meet up with him somewhere else

I wouldn't do that either so YNBU. You don't know what Daveand his GF are like. It's ok to invite new people to your home but not when you are not there. What if they try to snoop around your house when you are not there and your MIL doesn't object to it? Just say that you will facilitate her meeting them outside the house but not inside.

Def not bu-i would not have strangers in my home babysitting young children and no reasonable person would expect to host unknown people when babysitting. How would you feel if a paid babysitter wanted to have relatives along that you didnt know. I would decline

I wouldn't feel comfortable either. Taking aside the babysitter part I just don't like the idea of complete strangers being in my house while I'm not there, even if they are with someone I know and invited over.

What! Whenever I've babysat in the past I've never asked to invite someone over and wouldn't dream of it. If I was that bothered about being in my own company for an evening then I wouldn't babysit.

I don't think there is a safety issue tbh.

But I think it's up to your husband as he feels uncomfortable for other reasons. Perhaps as doesn't want his family engaged back in this. This is the reason to say no and it should come from your husband to his mother.