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Original poster

MIL & babysitting

64 replies

endoftether82 · 24/04/2018 09:09

Ok so mil is coming down in a few weeks time. For context she comes down once every few months. We've asked if she wouldn't mind babysitting (we never go out, our 2 dc are 12 months and 2.5). She's said yes but has asked if she could invite round her ex step son, let's call him Dave, (27) and his girlfriend. I have never met either of them. My DH knew the ex step son, but they never see each other, and has also never met the girlfriend.

I feel really uncomfortable about having 2 strangers in our house with the kids upstairs. Obviously I know they'll be asleep and nothing would happen, but I just feel funny about it. If one of them wakes up I think they might be a bit weirded out that there's these people in their house. More broadly, it just doesn't sit right with me. Not sure if I'm being uptight?

DH doesn't like it because there was a lot of drama surrounding mil's 2nd marriage to Dave's dad. He cheated and is generally a pretty pathetic person. MIL and Dave's dad have zero contact but mil is still keen to have a relationship with his sons (she got together with heir dad when they were about 16yo). DH doesn't want to be put in the middle of some sort psycho drama and is resentful that he's been put in the position of having to say yes or no to this request.

So Are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 24/04/2018 10:04

MIL is just using your house as a venue for the evening and your DC will happen to be there but no way will they be getting her full attention as they should be.

OP says the children will be asleep.

Sirzy · 24/04/2018 10:05

If they are asleep on what level do they need full attention?

Unless she is planning on getting pissed with them I can’t see how chatting to someone downstairs makes someone incapable of looking after sleeping children

Juells · 24/04/2018 10:07

Sorry to drip feed but mil has a slight habit of asking for things without considering how it might make other people feel.

But she asks. You'd have a gripe if she agreed to babysit, then announced (or didn't reveal) that her ex-SS was going to be visiting.

I think you're being unfair, she's given you the option to say no.

MargaretCavendish · 24/04/2018 10:07

I don't mind meeting them, it's the fact that we're not here that I'm uncomfortable with.

Do you mean 'I don't mind her meeting them', or are you saying that a preferable option would be all five of you (you, DH, MIL, Dave and Dave's girlfriend) meeting up? Because if the latter then I think you could reasonably suggest that as an alternative - I think she may well feel the problem here is that if she has to see DH and Dave separately then if she's only there for a weekend (is 'a few weeks' the bank holiday weekend?) then she feels like she has to choose between them, and this avoided that.

INeedNewShoes · 24/04/2018 10:11

Going against the grain a bit here, but I understand your reservations about this.

Why don't you say that it would be a shame for you to miss out on the opportunity to meet these people and you would like to invite them for dinner on one of the other evenings.

Thundercatshoooo · 24/04/2018 10:11

We've got 2 children same age gap, just 3 months younger. The only thing that would really bother me is the fact they'd be in my house. My parents often have our eldest for the day/a sleepover at their house I never ask "has anyone been round to visit? Who?", that would seem weird, but if they were babysitting at our house yes inviting people who we didn't know in the evening would seem weird.

willynillypie · 24/04/2018 10:12

I wouldn't be comfortable with this either

Original poster
endoftether82 · 24/04/2018 10:14

I absoloutely don't mind meeting them. Perhaps that is the best option, to say why don't you ask them to meet up with us in the playground then go to lunch or something?

The children will be asleep so she won't be compromised on looking after them. That said they are waking up quite alot at the moment, lost dummies, drinks of water etc.

I understand she's doing us a favour by babysitting etc, I think we're just uncomfortable being in the position of having to say no to her.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 24/04/2018 10:22

She won't be doing babysitting. She will be using your house to meet up with someone without you there. I would be against it, and I know my DH won't agree to it either.
It's 2 different questions: could she see her SS and his girlfriend while staying with you? Of course, she can go and see them , you even can give her a lift or decide to meet up together.
Another question: could she babysit while you are out for dinner? For me, she is saying "no, I can't ".

BarefootMe · 24/04/2018 10:30

Yanbu but your mother in law is. Either she babysits for an evening or she doesn't. What gives her the right to invite people you do not know into your home. As for your children sleeping upstairs, that would worry me. It seems weird.

Bibidy · 24/04/2018 10:31

I think you're being a bit unfair.

If MIL only visits once every few months, she probably isn't delighted about being left alone for the evening while you're out and the kids are sleeping.

To be honest, she's probably just thinking she may as well see her step-son on the night when she's not going to be with you and OH, rather than sacrificng time she could spend with you and her grandchildren.

BlankTimes · 24/04/2018 10:33

I wouldn't be happy with that arrangement at all.

SunwheretheFareyou · 24/04/2018 10:36

I don't know think your being unreasonable. Why can't she just enjoy baby sitting her gc? Why has a simple baby sitting turned into family reunion?

Why can't she meet her step son and his gf another day Confused perhaps even in your house with you both there...

It's a lot to ask.. And I don't think it's fair to put this on you.

SunwheretheFareyou · 24/04/2018 10:37

bibidy so she can't be expected to put herself out once for her son?

Aria2015 · 24/04/2018 10:37

My mother looks after my lo sometimes and will often ask a friend round to keep her company during the evening, I think it's a reasonable request. Especially if she's visiting and doesn't get the chance to see certain people very often. It's killing two birds with one stone. You get a night out and she gets to see people. I think if you trust your mil then I'm sure it will be fine. As for your lo's waking and finding strangers in the house, surely if they wake she'll settle them back in their rooms rather than bring them downstairs to meet and greet everyone? I think worrying is normal if you don't go out very often but is you trust your mil there really shouldn't be a problem.

HeebieJeebies456 · 24/04/2018 10:37

she comes down once every few months

So what normally happens when she's down?
I find it weird that she's a regular 'overnight' visitor yet this is the first time she's 'minding' them to help you out a little.

Bibidy · 24/04/2018 10:42

SunwheretheFareyou - so she can't be expected to put herself out once for her son?

I just think if I were in MIL's shoes and was coming down to stay with family and then agreed to babysit, I wouldn't expect there to be a problem with me inviting someone over to keep me company. Especially if the person in question was my stepson!

It probably hasn't even crossed her mind that OP and her husband might think it's an issue.

Bibidy · 24/04/2018 10:43

My mother looks after my lo sometimes and will often ask a friend round to keep her company during the evening, I think it's a reasonable request. Especially if she's visiting and doesn't get the chance to see certain people very often. It's killing two birds with one stone

I agree with this.

MargaretCavendish · 24/04/2018 10:45

Why can't she just enjoy baby sitting her gc?

Who 'enjoys' babysitting sleeping children? It would be really different if this was during the day, so she could be actively interacting with the children and is choosing not to. It isn't.

ificouldwritealettertome · 24/04/2018 10:45

Personally I wouldn't like it. So YANBU

lottiegarbanzo · 24/04/2018 10:48

YANBU I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all.

Primarily because I think it makes babysitting a secondary activity, a distraction, for her. Maybe the dcs will sleep through but she needs to be available for them if the do wake up - for as long as takes to settle them. Not in a hurry to get back to her guests.

Has MIL babysat before? Has she perhaps forgotten how demanding small dcs can be?

I wonder too whether noise form strangers might be distracting for your DCs, if they did wake up. What do you think?

If you're happy to meet the ex-stepson, then suggesting a separate meet-up with them seems the best option.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2018 10:52

How does your dh feel about Dave? Could you perhaps turn this one round? Say that it’s a shame the dates she can see them clashes with your meal out. You are sure she’d really rather see Dave and his gf at Daves house or for dinner so she sees them the night you were planning on going out and she can baby sit another.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/04/2018 10:55

I do think there's a big difference between her having an old friend round for a companionable chat and hosting people she rarely sees, has tense feelings about to some extent, so will be more mentally distracted by.

Juells · 24/04/2018 11:04

How long will she be staying? If it's a short visit I think you have a bit of a cheek to expect her to babysit, TBH. She's come to see you, and spends the night sitting watching TV, which she could do at home.

I think the suggestions that you arrange for her to meet 'Dave' for lunch or a meal are a good idea.

Original poster
endoftether82 · 24/04/2018 11:05

She's down for 4 nights. We go and visit a lot, rarely ask for any babysitting help. Is it really cheeky to ask a granparent to babysit?

OP posts:
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