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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IN WANTING TO KNOW WHERE DH IS?

75 replies

topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:01

DH came shopping with me and the chbildren this afternoon we got back about 3.45pm.
He brought all the shopping in and whilst we were in the kitchen sorting it out drove off .
I rang his mobile and he said he was just nipping to the pub for half an hour.
5.30 I ring his mobile and he says he is watching the football and will be another half an hour.
6.30 Icall again and his phone is switched off.

I am still sitting here now and he has not come home yet.
God knows what sort of state he will be in after nearly 7 hours in the pub!!!

He goes to the pub most evenings after work leaving me with the childrens mealtimes and bedtime routine and I look forward to the weeends for a bit if suppport as i am not coping very well at the moment.

Today was the first timeI had been out in the car some distance for a while as I suffer from panic attacks and was really pleased with myself that I had managed it today.
Then he goes and disappears to the pub again bringing me right back down again.

So many things go through my mind when he does this as he is normally very drunk and unable to stand so what on earth sort of state will he be in.

How can he be so irresponsible as to turn his phone off and sneak out like that.
He has done it before and I can't deal with this anymore.

OP posts:
blondehelen · 12/05/2007 23:03

You are not being unreasonable. If my dh did this to me I would lock the front door and go the bed

blondehelen · 12/05/2007 23:05

to bed

Original poster
topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:05

blondehelen-I would love to do that but would worry what the neighbours thought when he started banging on the door.
I don't want to wake the children ethier.

OP posts:
binkleandflip · 12/05/2007 23:05

You do not this is not a relationship dont you? And so with that in mind, what are you going to do?

Frizbe · 12/05/2007 23:07

agree, stuff him, if he can't be an adult and at least explain where he is, when your bound to worry, as stuck at home with the kids, then give him a taste of his own medicine, then address it properly tomorrow, when all are sober.

blondehelen · 12/05/2007 23:07

but seriously, you are obviously struggling and he is showing you no respect or support

clutteredup · 12/05/2007 23:08

poor you, YANBU. I always get pissy with dh if he has his phone turned off as i mainain i should always be able to contat him in an emergency. not to mention its a weekend and should be taking time to spend with you and the kids , to dosappear without letting you know is just plain rude - my dh often goes to the pub on the way home and still insists on some wind down time when he comes through the door regsrdless if dc want his attention. sounds to me like he has a problem - how is your relationship generally, is his drinking affecting other things too. (((((((big hugs)))))))

lou33 · 12/05/2007 23:08

this is one of the reasons my exh and i split up

everytime he went out for something he would go to the pub

then he would go to the pub when we didnt need anything

and he would drive whilst drunk, and we used to have the hugest rows about it, with me threatening to call the police on him

Yurtgirl · 12/05/2007 23:12

If I were you I would go to bed and get some well deserved rest. Tommorrow I would insist he gets help for his alcohol problem. Then I would try to decide whether I loved him enough to help him and save the relationship etc.

{{{{{}}}} Hugs
I hope you get some rest and manage to sort things out with him

Please dont let things continue like this!

Original poster
topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:13

binkleandflip-We have been together for 15 years and he has always liked a "social drink" as he would call it.

Our children came along 9 years into the relationship and i thought he would slow down with the drinking.

I could just about handle it then but with two childen,one with special needs and me have anxiety issues at the moment i can't deal with his drinking as well.

I am physically and emotionally drained and it really gets me down.
i try to keepit together for the childrens sake but he drags me down again and again.

I am sat her now wondering when he will be home and then I wil be worrying all night if he falls when trying to get upthe stairs ,it never ends.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 12/05/2007 23:16

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this . But I agree with yurtgirl

Yurtgirl · 12/05/2007 23:16

Please do something to help yourself and your children
This relationship is not helping you at all.

What would he say if you asked/told him to go to AA meetings?

Original poster
topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:21

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I am getting paranoid as i sometimes think it is me making a big deal of this and this is what some DHs do.

He used to drive home when drunk and has recently started doing it occasionally again.
Or he will sleeep in the car.

He gets taxis home and on a couple of occasions over christmas he fell and cut his head.

Also whilst away on business twice in about 9 months he has come home with a cut head he says he banged on a shelf in the hotel room and claims he was not drunk!!!

He says I smother him but everytime he goes out for a paper etc on his own he goes to thhe pub and we never know how long he will be.
Even DS has started to say will daddy be a long time ,he'a always a long time.
Now when i hear that it's time to do something about it.
I am not having DS worry about also.

He is still not home.
I have to wait up as he has no keys on him.

OP posts:
binkleandflip · 12/05/2007 23:22

Like I said, it's not a relationship. You sound like you have a hell of a lot on your plate to cope with...what exactly is he bringing to it? More hassle and stress or much needed support, reassurance and understanding oh and love? All of which you deserve. Why is he drinking so much? Has he tried to get help/intervention before?

lou33 · 12/05/2007 23:24

just reading your post has my stomach in knots remembering what exh was like

takes me right back

berolina · 12/05/2007 23:26

Tbh I wouldn't be waiting up for him. His behaviour to you all is utterly unacceptable. He's a father ffs.

Yurtgirl's plan is good.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 12/05/2007 23:27

Seriously - Lock the doors and go to bed.

He is an adult. If he cant behave like one that cant be your responsibility day in day out.

He may think twice about going off in future.

Yurtgirl · 12/05/2007 23:27

Honestly TaT this is not what normal marriages are like - its just what you have got used to

Dont allow him to let you think its your fault- it isnt

I have a helpline number for you to call if it would help - for people in Wales but they can give you the number for your area

0808 8010 800

I will be interested to read how you get on

Hope he comes back soon.

Original poster
topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:28

Have asked about AA meetings before and he does'nt see it as a problem.

Whilst visiting his parents last year for a party he got drunk and fell out with both his brothers and sister.
His sister is getting married this year and he has said he wants to give up drinking by then and not drink whilst he is at his parents.

This made me feel that he was willing to try so as not to upset his family but had'nt made the same statement for me and the children as a family before then.

THis is just ridiculous now,it's been nearly 8 hours ,I feel so let down embarrassd at what he is doing.We live in a small town so I will then get paranoid that everyones knows he drinks too much and i will have to face everyone at the school etc.

Probably over reaction on my part but i do worry what others think and just adds to my anxiety levels.

OP posts:
lou33 · 12/05/2007 23:32

This reply has been deleted

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binkleandflip · 12/05/2007 23:32

I reckon it's crunch time - he either gets help or goodnight vienna! Really, this is your life you're talking about - you dont want it to continue like this forever do you? And dont make excuses and say 'its probably just me' - it isnt - the only thing that IS you is that you're allowing your life to dwindle away on a relationship with this fool - albeit he's the father of your children - which he always will be - doesn't mean you have to waste your like waiting up for him like this....makes me so cross for you....

thelady · 12/05/2007 23:33

topseyandtim: you are not making a big deal of it! Just because some men behave that way doesn't mean that it's a /good/ or /right/ way to behave .

I would phone Alcoholics Anonymous tomorrow (it's a local call) 0845 769 7555 or possibly the Samaritans if you need to talk now (local call, 24 hours a day) 08457 90 90 90.

I run a pub/hotel, so I'm very aware of the need to sell alcohol responsibly, and part of that is knowing that someone with a problem often can't/won't admit to it, because that would mean they had to do something about it.

Surprisingly, most alcoholics are functioning perfectly well as far as the outside world can tell.

Please don't blame yourself either: alcohol is a drug, and apparently for some people it's more addictive than heroin. You're doing really really well in coping with your children as well as the strain of not knowing that you can rely on your husband. Have a virtual hug, and please please please get some real-life help and advice if you can.

Yurtgirl · 12/05/2007 23:34

But you see it as a problem
And so does your son - he has noticed

Therefore your dh should do something about it
Or you should and give him the heave ho

I am sorry if that sounds really harsh

That helpline number I gave you is open until 2am so you could call them now if you fancy a chat.

0808 8010 800

KristinaM · 12/05/2007 23:36

yurtgirl is right - thsi isnt normal, you are not overreacting. Thsi isnt what "some DHs do" , its what soem ex-Dhs do ( liek Lou's). Whether or not he sees it as a problem , it IS a probelm for you and your children. Please try to go to al-anon and meet others who are in the same situation.

KristinaM · 12/05/2007 23:36

oops X posted