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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

IN WANTING TO KNOW WHERE DH IS?

75 replies

topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:01

DH came shopping with me and the chbildren this afternoon we got back about 3.45pm.
He brought all the shopping in and whilst we were in the kitchen sorting it out drove off .
I rang his mobile and he said he was just nipping to the pub for half an hour.
5.30 I ring his mobile and he says he is watching the football and will be another half an hour.
6.30 Icall again and his phone is switched off.

I am still sitting here now and he has not come home yet.
God knows what sort of state he will be in after nearly 7 hours in the pub!!!

He goes to the pub most evenings after work leaving me with the childrens mealtimes and bedtime routine and I look forward to the weeends for a bit if suppport as i am not coping very well at the moment.

Today was the first timeI had been out in the car some distance for a while as I suffer from panic attacks and was really pleased with myself that I had managed it today.
Then he goes and disappears to the pub again bringing me right back down again.

So many things go through my mind when he does this as he is normally very drunk and unable to stand so what on earth sort of state will he be in.

How can he be so irresponsible as to turn his phone off and sneak out like that.
He has done it before and I can't deal with this anymore.

OP posts:

oxocube · 13/05/2007 06:08

Yurtgirl, your comments have been very supportive of the original poster and very helpful but (and this is NOT a dig!) can I just say, and sorry to paraphrase, you can not "insist someone gets help with their alcohol problem". Believe me, I know. You can make decisions regarding your own future, about whether the relationship is worth persuing. You can decide not to feel guilty or personally responsible for them, and you can stop making excuses for them but in my experience, you cannot make them change.

oxocube · 13/05/2007 06:15

YG, have just read this thread properly and see that I have taken your comment out of context. Sorry! You do seem to have a genuine understanding of living with alcoholism. Its just it gets me down whenever I hear people say "well, insist he does x,y,z or ..." If only life were that easy, eh?

flightattendant · 13/05/2007 06:52

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flightattendant · 13/05/2007 07:04

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Judy1234 · 13/05/2007 07:33

The other issue too is alcoholism is an illness so in a sense is not his fault and not deliberate. But what he could do is seek help. Some people never do and their partners stay with them or don't stay. Depends how you define in sickness and in health. My ex husband was in my view very depressed and awful to us all but he would not acknowledge there was a problem or get help for it and it go so bad we got divorced but other people might have said stay with that person, persuade them to get the help they needed. But if they won't seek help and your children are suffering as mine were then you need sometimes to give up on that person.

Have you told him if he doesn't go to AA and cease drinking completely you will leave him?

YeahBut · 13/05/2007 09:05

You can't make him admit he is an alcoholic (which he is, btw) and you can't make him get help, either. Believe me, I know. What you can do is take back control and responsibility for your own life and that of your dc. You do not have to live like this. Your children do not have to grow up with this.
Why don't you go away for a weekend with the children and without your dh somewhere you feel secure - a good friend's place or you parents - and see how it feels to not have his drinking casting a shadow over your lives for a few hours. How it feels to not have to pretend for the children that this is OK and normal. How it feels to be able to go to bed and sleep without worrying about when or if your dh will come home and what state he'll be in. Then have a think about the kind of life you want for yourself.
If he doesn't stop drinking and you stay with him, every Saturday night will be like last night. For years and years and years. Is this what you want? Horrible situation, horrible decisions to make.
I left my XP because of the drink. Was so hard because years of coping with it had worn me down to the point where I didn't feel that I could change my life. But I did. And I am HAPPY! I don't live with that knot in my chest that used to be there all the time.{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

dionnelorraine · 13/05/2007 09:16

tat - Is he back yet? What happened? hope you are ok {{{hugs}}}
No one deserves to be treated like this!

lou33 · 13/05/2007 09:30

yeahbut and others are spot on, you wont be able to make him change, he has to realise for himself the destruction he is calling, and make you and the kids his priority

exh never actually did , and i couldnt live like that anymore so our marriage ended

please make yourself and your kids number one

thelady · 13/05/2007 11:10

topseyandtim: can I just add that, as someone who lives in a small town/village (3000 people tops) the main reaction from people towards a woman who's coping the way you are is admiration!

I've seen it time and again: the men may speak admiringly of the husband's ability to "take his drink" but the conversation always turns to "how did he manage to father such wonderful children?" or even "how does she ever put up with him?". You probably wouldn't hear that, as men tend to close ranks when there are women around, but as landlady I don't seem to count as a woman

There will always be people who feel that you should put your happiness on the line for your marriage, no matter what, but I suspect that most will respect your decision - whatever it turns out to be.

Hang in there, and I hope you find support for whatever it is you decide to do. Certainly, taking time out away from the home with your children sounds like a wonderful idea to me!

lou33 · 13/05/2007 11:33

i live in a small village too fwiw

Original poster

topseyandtim · 13/05/2007 12:41

Thank you so much for all your replies.

Will read them through later and reply .

DH stayed downstairs on the sofa last night and the children came down this morning and woke him so I just carried on as normal and have'nt had a chance to talk to him as yet with the children being around.
He has now fell sleep on the sofa again.

Will come back to this thread later,thanks again

OP posts:

lou33 · 13/05/2007 12:45

take care of yourself and the kids, dont put yourself out for him

put yourself first

thelady · 14/05/2007 17:55

topseyandtim: are you OK?

lucyellensmum · 14/05/2007 18:25

only read the first post, god your husband is a twunt!

lucyellensmum · 14/05/2007 18:28

lucyellensmum must learn to think and read all posts before she opens her mouth, im a thoughtless bitch sometimes, i didnt realise there was an alcohol problem, im sorry about that - i hope things improve, ive seen what a fecking disaster alcohol problems can be and its hard for loved ones to watch someone destroy themselves. It certainly sounds like you are one strong lady topsy.

Original poster

topseyandtim · 15/05/2007 10:08

Hi,sorry I have'nt been back to the thread sooner.

Sunday evening we had a talk and DH was feeling really remorseful as he usually does after these incidences.
He said he wants to stop drinking but does'nt know how.
He says he knows I have a lot to deal with and don't need to have to deal with him as well.
He said he could'nt remember how he got home.

He came home straight from work last night and helped bath the children and we had a nice peaceful evening.
It was so nice to have no pressure of worrying when he will be home and to sit down and have a nice meal together.

My only worry is we have been here before and he stops for a few days and then goes back to his old ways.

Although he did say he needs to stop drinking altogether.

He is worried about going to the doctors as he does'nt want his workplace finding out and is unsure about the treatment if he would need to take time off work.
He has a lot of commitments at work coming up and goes away on business trips every few months so it's difficult to take time off .

We will need to thing of something ,whether it's me going to the doctors with him when the children are at school to see what they suggest.

My anxiety levels are a lot better these last couple of days and am feeling more confident.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 15/05/2007 10:30

T&T , first things first, deal with your anxiety/ panic attack issues. Look after yourself first, make yourself strong, then see what needs doing with your dh. Hypnotherapy is very good for anxiety and panic attacks. Good luck hun -if you can cope with your dh and all his crp, then you are* strong enough to sort yourself out.

pinknfluffy29 · 15/05/2007 10:47

well done for being so supportive and understanding - but in the same breath (you said it yourself) dont let him keep feeding you the same lines and without nagging keep on at him to do something about it (research on internet and have a few ideas) for the sake of his children, marriage, job, you and all things important to him.

i had an alcoholic step mother and when my sons father showed alcoholic behaviour i was out of there - i cant be around these people (huge respect for those who support and help these people)

good luck i hope you hubbie realises what a wonderful wife you are and gets the help he needs!!!

Original poster

topseyandtim · 15/05/2007 10:52

Thanks purpleduck.

Have dealt with a lot in the past on my own.

My parents died a few year ago and my brother a couple of years ago so have had a lot to deal with and although I think I have never really dealt with this myself and still find it difficult to accept that my parents never got to see my children.

I think my anxiety stems from that and not being there when they both died and with DH's issues as well have put on a brave face for my childrens sake.

OP posts:

Stigaloid · 15/05/2007 10:53

Topsey

I'm a recovering alcoholic (have been sober 10 years now) and i can guarantee you that his work knows. You simply can not hide a problem this huge, no matter how careful you are being. Being an alcoholic is an illness that needs treatment and many workplaces are more than willing to give time off for someone to go to re-hab if need be, or to attend local AA meetings. He has many resources available but at the end of the day - the only person who can make himself better is himself. If he hasn't hit rock bottom yet then it will take a long time for him to use these resources.

I'm afraid you have to practise Tough Love. You need to do whats best, not what best suits him. If his problem is affecting you and your family then you need to put him first. A few good nights do not make up for the slip ups he continues to return to. Your priority must be yourself and your children. You can't fix his problem - only he can. The more he thinks others can make him better, the longer it will take for him to realise that only he can do the hard work and get better.

If you can, go to Al-Anon meetings. Meet other people who are in the same situation as you and who can offer support. It's free and confidential and will help you greatly.

I went into rehab at 22 and was very young. I didn't grow up around alcoholics, but i have met enough people who have to know that his problem can be detrimental to your kids in the long term if it isn't sorted sooner. Please, please, please put yourself first here.

I'm sorry to hear about your panic attacks, but congrats on getting out there on Saturday. Each small step is a huge achievement. I hope you continue to recover well from your anxiety and find the strength and support you need at this time.

Stigaloid · 15/05/2007 10:54

sorry - i meant if his problems are affecting you and your family then you need to put YOURSELF first - apologies for typo!

Original poster

topseyandtim · 15/05/2007 11:01

pinknfluffy29-It is a difficult situation as on the one hand the children adore him and when he does'nt drink we get on really well and I am still in love with him.

But i have to put the children first and have told him this.
The children are both geting older and will start to realise and I don't want that for them.

stigaloid-thank you for sharing your experience,it gives me hope to hear you have conquered it.

DH does drink with his boss etc when he is away on business but i don't know to what extent.
AS you say his boss does probably know the situation.
He has a good relationshop with his boss but DH would not want to go into personnel details with him,DH is quite private about discussing his feelings.

OP posts:

thelady · 15/05/2007 12:46

topseyandtim: I think that there are NHS 'substance support teams' which are completely confidential and don't involve your GP. He might find it easier to deal with if someone who is a stranger is listening?

I don't know much more than that, but suspect that NHS 24 might have the contact details....

ncc1701 · 05/07/2007 23:57

My husband has been an alcoholic for 11 years, just before my son was born. I did eventually get help for him - but only by making a complete fool of my self in the local hospital. It resulted in him getting help in a local clinic, and was funded by the local council/NHS. We have a great care manager who set it up for us. It is hell. It only had a 45% chance of working. But at least it gave me and the kids a break. It has got to come from him. If not there are hard decision to be made.

mrsyoshi · 06/07/2007 08:14

I had a step dad who was an alcoholic, he was very verbally abussive and if i wasnt a fighter backer then i dont think it would of ended there. Alcoholics are the scum of the earth, he totally ruined my life.

You should think of the kids and tell him not to come back untill he has got some help, because no matter how much you 'talk' or how much he promises it wont happen again, he will not change.

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