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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IN WANTING TO KNOW WHERE DH IS?

75 replies

topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:01

DH came shopping with me and the chbildren this afternoon we got back about 3.45pm.
He brought all the shopping in and whilst we were in the kitchen sorting it out drove off .
I rang his mobile and he said he was just nipping to the pub for half an hour.
5.30 I ring his mobile and he says he is watching the football and will be another half an hour.
6.30 Icall again and his phone is switched off.

I am still sitting here now and he has not come home yet.
God knows what sort of state he will be in after nearly 7 hours in the pub!!!

He goes to the pub most evenings after work leaving me with the childrens mealtimes and bedtime routine and I look forward to the weeends for a bit if suppport as i am not coping very well at the moment.

Today was the first timeI had been out in the car some distance for a while as I suffer from panic attacks and was really pleased with myself that I had managed it today.
Then he goes and disappears to the pub again bringing me right back down again.

So many things go through my mind when he does this as he is normally very drunk and unable to stand so what on earth sort of state will he be in.

How can he be so irresponsible as to turn his phone off and sneak out like that.
He has done it before and I can't deal with this anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:37

Reading everyones replies I can't seem to associate them with my situation.
It's like is it really that bad?
I have fooled myself into thinking maybe this is my lot.
He is a great father and the children adore him but I can't respect him when he comes home falling all the place .
I just feel so pressured and all the responsibility is mime and need someone to help support me.
My lovely little boy is having a hard time at school and we are in the middle of applying for a statement for him and am only starting to get used to his DX .
There are times I need to have a discussion about meetings with the school etc concerning DS and when he ha had a drink which is most of the time am dealing with it all on my own.

Still not home

OP posts:
lou33 · 12/05/2007 23:37

yeh my kids got to the point where when he was late back they would say "dad's at the pub isnt he?"

they were right every time

lou33 · 12/05/2007 23:38

i'm angry for you

Yurtgirl · 12/05/2007 23:41

Topsy

Honestly this situation is not your fault
Your h needs help
So do you to help you see the situation the way others do - You are so used to it you think it is normal and acceptable - it isnt.

And it is most certainly not your lot in life that you have to settle for - please dont

I have to go to bed now - but will keep looking out for you because you seem lovely and dont deserve to put up with this

Original poster
topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:42

Thanks so much everyone for your replies and the phone numbers.
I have thought about calling before but always feel where would I start.

lou33-Sorry if I have brought back bad memories for you.

OP posts:
lou33 · 12/05/2007 23:42

it took me years and years before i would admit to myself that his relationship with drink was wrong, i made all sorts of excuses up for him in my head

lou33 · 12/05/2007 23:42

i just feel for you thats all

kama · 12/05/2007 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PeachesMcLean · 12/05/2007 23:46

Topsy. What Yurtgirl said.

Sorry I can't add anything useful but just thinking of you. Not your fault.

terrywogan · 12/05/2007 23:46

have you tried ringing pub.
what i mean is, you think he is at pub.. can you ring the pub itself??
are you sure he hasnt a key.
it is horrible for you

Original poster
topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:50

Thanks Lou-I am now at the stage of thinking is he asleep in the car,collapsed outside the doorway ,arguing in the pub,other women,who knows.
He always gets so mad when i mention the other women scernario but how would I know.

He says I am paranoid,and I know that I am.
in all honesty I don't think it is another woman it'sjust the drink.

Makes me so mad when i know whilst i was reffering the children tonight and getting them ready for bed etc he was in the pub listening to a band and having a good time.

When i rang earlier he told me off for giving him a hard time on the phone.

It makes me feel sick to think he just disregards us and turns his phone off.

OP posts:
lou33 · 12/05/2007 23:55

drink came first to my exh , it felt like he was having an affair tbh, i guess he was in a way

he used to do exactly the same, make me feel bad for disturbing him from his pint, when he had promised umpteen times he was coming home in 10 mins

it got impossible to hide from the kids as they got older

and i used to be a bag of nerves when he was drinking as his personality would get so nasty after his 3rd pint, i'd usually end up in tears

Original poster
topseyandtim · 12/05/2007 23:56

I have thought of ringing the pub but there again I so worry what people will think and to be honest DH by know is'nt going to be coherant to talk to me anyway.

I know he has'nt a key on him so will just have to sit and wait.

Previously he ahs fell asleep in the car for a bit then come home about 3am.

He must know I am unhappy as my anxiety has been a big problem just latley and have not wanted to go out.
He knew that today when we were out but just told me to get a grip.

The children had a nice time today and must wonder why he just disappeared like that

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/05/2007 00:01

i wouldnt be surprised if your anxiety was bound up with his drinking

he has a drink problem, just like my ex, mine would never admit it tho, he always had an excuse as to why he wasnt an alcoholic

really, i wouldnt worry about what the pub thinks, they probably have already noticed he is a drunk who leaves his wife and kids to get pissed up, and falls asleep in his car

i gave up caring what people would think if i started calling about, i figured it would only reflect badly on him for buggering off like that

i hope you get something sorted, i really dont envy you, i could never go back there

RosaLuxembourg · 13/05/2007 00:02

Just got on here and seen this. I have got to add my voice to the others who have given you such excellent advice. Please, please ring one of those numbers. Your husband is an alcoholic. No matter how much he tries to make it seem so, it is not your problem, it is his. Alcoholics will do anything and say anything to stay in denial, and that includes convincing you that somehow or other you are in the wrong for some reason or other. You are not. He is not behaving in an acceptable way and you know that so don't allow yourself to make excuses for him.
Ask yourself one question - where do you want to be in five years time? Still waiting for him to come home sodden from the pub? Still worrying about what the children will pick up on? Do something NOW.

Original poster
topseyandtim · 13/05/2007 00:03

Lou33-That sounds just like my DH.
I even work out how long he is out sometimes and try and guess how maany pints he would have had as to gage his mood.

Well
he has just banged on the door and staggered in and collapsed flat on his face on the floor.
Have just noticed his jumper and back of his trousers are wet so he has probably fallen over at some point as been pouring down with rain here.

Now I have gone from feeling mad to shakey and crying my eyes out at him laying on the floor in front of me.
It's pathetic!!!!

OP posts:
lou33 · 13/05/2007 00:06

oh man i dont know what to say

i wish i could give you something positive, but in all honesty, he sounds so like my exh, it's scary

my reactions used to be the same too

his drinking radically affected my own self esteem as well btw

dont help him and dont argue about it now, just leave him to sort himself out

he is home and unhurt, go to bed and let him deal with his own rubbish

RosaLuxembourg · 13/05/2007 00:10

Oh Topsey, I am so sorry. Leave him on the floor and go to bed. As Lou says at least you know he is safe. He can sort the rest out for himself. You need to start telling yourself that it is not your problem.

mozhe · 13/05/2007 00:11

Lock up, go to bed....tomorrow take the sunday papers down to the pub and have a nice long read and a couple of drinks...then go for a nice long walk/pop round your friends'/go to the cinema/for a swim....leave plenty of ironing/tidying up and all the kids at home. Oh and don't forget to turn off your phone.

lou33 · 13/05/2007 00:11

i have to go to bed now, my eyes are barely open, but i will check in tomorrow and see how you are

bubblicious · 13/05/2007 00:14

Topseyandtim, please dont feel responsible for this man!. I lived for many years feeling responsible for my MOTHER, what with her drinking and awkward behaviour. Then suddenly one day (I really dont know what happened) I realised I was not in charge of her life, it was not up to me how she behaved, and it was certainly not any reflection on how I behaved. So please remember this, people wont think bad on you(in a funny kind of way - pity) It will be your Husband!

Original poster
topseyandtim · 13/05/2007 00:18

Thanks so much everyone, will get to bed myself now and read awile and deal with it tomorrow.
It just taints the whole weekend though as I know he will have a major hangover tomorow and be grumpy and on a short fuse.

Then it will be Monday again and the whole drinking after work and worrying will start all over.
I dread it,living day to day with this hanging over me no wonder I am a nervous wreck.
I don't want my children growing up with an over anxious mother which is what DH tells me I am and will make the children that way too if i am not careful.

OP posts:
RosaLuxembourg · 13/05/2007 00:22

Topsey - your children will have far worse problems growing up with an alcoholic father than an overanxious mother (even if you are that which I doubt). Stop letting him locate the problem with you. HIS DRINKING IS THE PROBLEM. Please start believing this, and you will get the strength to deal with it.

kokeshi · 13/05/2007 01:27

Hi topseyamdtim,

HAve you heard of Al-anon? It is a fellowship for loved ones of problem drinkers. They have the same kind of meetings as Alcoholics Anonymous and I know many people personally who've benefited from the support.

Just being able to speak to someone who is on your position is a lifeline, they call Alcoholism a "family illness" exactly for this reason. It's not just the drinker who suffers, but everyone around them.

Unfortunately, if your husband is an alcoholic, ultimatums may have the opposite effect. However, if you let him know how much his drinking is hurting you and the family, it may spur him into doing something about it. Denial is something that's very hard to overcome, but it's the first step (for all of you) to recovery.

Those in Al-anon who have been in your position will be able to offer you tools to help yourself also. Please seek some support, you are going through a horrible time and you need an outlet.

I wish you well.

Freckle · 13/05/2007 04:25

Does your dh know that, if he is drunk and falls asleep in his car, he can be charged with drink-driving?

Perhaps, next time when he is out for hours, you should call the police and alert them to the fact that he will either sleep in his car or attempt to drive home plastered. How did he get home tonight? Where is the car? If it is outside your house, then I think you have a duty to notify the police as next time he could kill someone. It may take being charged with d/d to make him face up to his problem.