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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being a horrible wife?

66 replies

moveymcmove · 23/03/2018 22:48

So my husband's firm is closing and he's been headhunter by a firm in Manchester.

If he takes the job we have to move from Leeds to Manchester and I'm not sure I want to move.

I'm happy in Leeds, we're both happy here. Am I a selfish bitch for not wanting to move?

I just like it in Yorkshire a lot

OP posts:
mintbiscuit · 23/03/2018 22:49

Can he not commute Confused - it’s not that far!

DairyisClosed · 23/03/2018 22:51

Well it depends. Would he be able to continue his career in Leeds? Do you have a career yourself or are you SAH or doing menial work? Do you have anything tying you to Leeds like family or do you just like it? You really haven't given ya much to go on.

Bluntness100 · 23/03/2018 22:52

It depends can you afford to live off your salary? Will you need to give up work to move?

If the answer is yes to the first, then you're not being unreasonable. If the answer to the second is also yes then it depends on whether you can surivive on either of your salaries alone.

Original poster
moveymcmove · 23/03/2018 22:52

Whoops I forgot to add-
I'm an agency nurse and could work in either place, no children and a commute would be a train and a bus apparently

OP posts:
RapunzelsRealMom · 23/03/2018 22:53

Surely there's so much more to this decision:
Do you have kids? How old, how will they feel?
Do you work? Are you supposed to just give up your job? Or commute (why can't he?)?
Is this a discussion or a done deal (it's NOT a done deal if you have an equal partnership).

Sarsparella · 23/03/2018 22:55

Could you move half way and both commute? Leeds to Manchester isn’t that far really

unintentionalthreadkiller · 23/03/2018 22:56

Can he not commute?

ShortandAnnoying · 23/03/2018 22:56

Could you move somewhere halfway?

mancmummy1414 · 23/03/2018 22:58

We moved to Yorkshire from Manchester for the same time reason - I lasted a year. Just like your heart is in Yorkshire, mine was in Manchester and I wasn’t happy until we moved back.
Follow your heart - jobs come and go but if you love where you live and so does he then could he not find a job with similar salary and prospects but more local?

ParkayFloor · 23/03/2018 23:05

Not enough information.

Firstly though of course YANBU not to want to leave your home that you love. Being "a good wife" does not mean trailing after your husband without ever expressing an opinion!

Your and your husband's opinions and wants matter an equal amount. Is this job going to improve both of your quality of lives? Why can't you explore the commute option? Could you live on the west side of Leeds to minimise the commute?

I certainly wouldn't be moving at all until he had done at least 6 months in the role and was over probation and knew if he liked it in practice. Then he would see how the job is, how the commute is, and if it's going to be better for you as a couple you could consider a move then. Manchester is too close to Leeds to move house at this stage IMO.

whiteroseredrose · 23/03/2018 23:06

DH commuted from South Manchester to Rotherham for about 6 years. However that was because we have DC and they are in really good schools. Just us and we'd have relocated.

GabsAlot · 23/03/2018 23:13

well seeing as he wont have a job soon and has been headhunted i say he should go for it

could he trial commuting first-how long would it take

SmileyBird · 23/03/2018 23:14

Can he drive?

HeddaGarbled · 23/03/2018 23:17

About an hour on the train from Leeds to Manchester, so with an extra bus journey aswell, it's a long commute but not totally out of the question.

You need to explore all your options:

  1. He applies for other jobs nearer your current home. Can you live off his redundancy money & your salary for a decent amount of time while he does this?
  2. He takes this job and copes with the commute while he applies for other jobs nearer your current home.
  3. You move a bit nearer but still near enough to Leeds for you to be happy.
  4. You give Manchester a go. It's a great city and you might like it.

The two of you need to discuss all this in a rational way, with the intention of reaching a solution which works for both of you. You are not a horrible wife nor a selfish bitch. Both those phrases are over dramatic and unhelpful. Do not use them when you discuss this.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/03/2018 23:18

That commute is a pig though. Every other day there’s a jam on the motorway and the train takes much longer than 30-odd miles should, if you factor buses etc in as well you will not see much of each other. It works for some but wouldn’t for me.

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/03/2018 23:19

Could you live on the west side of Leeds to minimise the commute? I don't think that helps! You spend the first half hour going in the wrong direction to reach central Leeds for the train to Manchester.

Love51 · 23/03/2018 23:20

Halfway would be the worst of both worlds if you want to live in Leeds and he wants to live in Manchester. You both want to live in a city, half way would be very rural.

Original poster
moveymcmove · 23/03/2018 23:30

He can drive but it's in Longsight. It's the other side of manchester.

We could live off his redundancy money and my salary easily. He works in landlord and tenant law working for the tenant. There aren't many jobs going in Leeds in that area. However there is a job going in Sheffield working for shelter and that's a doable commute.

I like visiting Manchester but we have a lovely house here I love leeds. I know I can work in Manchester but truth be told it's going to bring back so many horrible memories. My dad died in the Manchester royal infirmary when I was 12 and I don't think I want to work there.

DH knows this but it's going to have to be a team decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
moveymcmove · 23/03/2018 23:35

We already live in the wrong part of Leeds for this commute! Haha! He has to go through Kirkstall Road and the armley gyratory to get to the m621 and that takes about 45 minutes, we used to live in bramley which was far easier to get to the motorway, we bought a house in ilkley in wharfedale recently and I love it so much.

He loves it here but obviously being made redundant is shitty and he obviously needs a job so it's anything over nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
moveymcmove · 23/03/2018 23:36

Pool in wharfedale even 😂

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 23/03/2018 23:48

Okay, you don't want to work in MRI. So, that still leaves what, Wythenshawe, Withington, North Manchester General, Salford, Trafford General, Stepping Hill...

I prefer Leeds to Manchester myself, but it's worth looking at all the pros and cons together.

senioritabonita · 23/03/2018 23:57

Move to Hebden Bridge and both commute?

DaviesMum · 24/03/2018 00:26

You're his wife, not some piece of furniture to be lugged about. Tell him how you feel, compromise or accept you may be unhappy.

user1467718508 · 24/03/2018 00:26

@senioritabonita Agree with the Hebden suggestion Grin

Any chance to live in that magical place and I'd snatch it up. Has some Ilkley vibes too if you've grown to love it there, OP.

Very jealous of your predicament. I'm from Leeds and have lived in both Sheffield and Manchester. Love the north to the point where I think about living there every day, but I'm about to marry a southerner who's tied to working in London.

Holding onto the hope we can head up in the next few years...!
silently clasps hands in prayer to the Northern tea Gods

StereophonicallyChallenged · 24/03/2018 00:38

YANBU Grin

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