Am I being a horrible wife?

[moveymcmove]

So my husband's firm is closing and he's been headhunter by a firm in Manchester.

If he takes the job we have to move from Leeds to Manchester and I'm not sure I want to move.

I'm happy in Leeds, we're both happy here. Am I a selfish bitch for not wanting to move?

I just like it in Yorkshire a lot

Seriously - 1 to 1.5 hours journey in the morning is not a bad commute - there are gazillions of people ( myself included ) who do that everyday. I’m also doing it in the South East into London so I’m pretty sure I have good experience of a busy commuter line. I think what makes the difference is not the length of journey but how many changes you have. I now have 1 train and a shortish walk at either end ( bus if it’s raining) which is completely do-able. I have previously had to change onto the underground etc and that’s when it starts getting painful. So how many changes would he have? I would suggest your DH takes the job with a view to commuting in the first instance and trying it out. He could still keep an eye out for other opportunities nearer to Leeds in the meantime. Also has someone else has said perhaps review the options for flexible or remote working which may take some of the pain out of it all. If you agree to review it after a set period he will then have the opportunity to say if he’s finding it too much.

Agree with SpiritedLondon, it all depends on how bitty the commute is, not the time taken. I commuted 1hr 45 mins each way for 14 years and it was fine - did loads of reading and once I had children the commute was my most relaxing time of the day!

I commuted 1hr 45 mins each way for 14 years and it was fine

it is fine for some but not for others. I couldn't do it and actually left a job because the commute had such a huge negative impact on the quality of my life.

Tell him to commute and see how it goes, something else might come up!

But what happens if your husband doesn’t get a job in Leeds?
We have established that the commute is a killer.
It’s a killer commute vs ‘I love this house/place.’
How long will DH have to keep doing this horrible commute?

Again I think if a man was forcing a woman into a horrendous commute each day (with no children to consider) because he just didn’t want to move even if he could work easily in the second place, they would be getting different answers here.

This^^

*But what happens if your husband doesn’t get a job in Leeds?
We have established that the commute is a killer.
It’s a killer commute vs ‘I love this house/place.’
How long will DH have to keep doing this horrible commute?

Again I think if a man was forcing a woman into a horrendous commute each day (with no children to consider) because he just didn’t want to move even if he could work easily in the second place, they would be getting different answers here.*

This^^

No ones forcing anyone into a “ horrendous” commute. I’m not aware the DH has said the commute is “ horrendous” - people on this thread have. ( how would they know? Do they know where his new office is? ) I have no idea what the commute is like but I know that plenty of people do it daily. Perhaps the DH could give you his view so you can decide if it’s a non starter or not.

If he doesn't want to commute and you don't want to move you really only have a few options. You could both move to inbetween both. Or your husband could stay there on the days he works and come home his days off. Or you could try "living apart together".
Do you want children? If so I wouldn't commute that long as a working parent.

I'm from Manchester and used to commute between Leeds and Manchester on the train it was fine and definitely doable

Why don’t you take a weekday day off and give the commute a go on a weekday at the time he would be needing to do it as a test run together, so you both understand clearly what it involves.

Can he find somewhere to stay for 4 nights of the week in Manchester to see whether he likes it/ passes his probation / gives him a chance to find a closer job?

I used to have a midweek lodger many years ago. It was perfect. I got some extra money but my house to myself at weekends when I was relaxing.

He could advertise for someone on a local facebook site who might love this part time arrangement for a reduced renting rate.

I think what makes the difference is not the length of journey but how many changes you have. I now have 1 train and a shortish walk at either end ( bus if it’s raining) which is completely do-able. I have previously had to change onto the underground etc and that’s when it starts getting painful. So how many changes would he have?

Obviously I'm not the OP, but if it's Leeds to Manchester on the train it is literally no changes. Very quick train that gets you there in less than an hour.
Just sounds like OP doesn't want to move.

But she's not in Leeds, she's in Ilkley. So DH would have to commute into Leeds before starting his commute into Manchester.

Ah, just seen this. OP said Leeds. (Totally different place.) Why would you even go anywhere near Leeds then (if he can drive? )Talk about adding to your journey.
The commute's doable too from Ilkley - buses and trains to Leeds - then loads of fast trans pennine trains per hour that get you there in approx 50 mins.

The Londonder upthread has it right.

This isn’t a decision that needs making now. He takes the job, commutes/ negotiates some days from home or takes a midweek lodging until his probation is up at the very least.

I’d kick this decision down the road for 6 months, then he will have a better feel for if he wants to do it long term, or if he will try and get something nearer home, or even consider a change of direction and retrain in an area of law that has more demand.

If he does legal aid landlord and tenant work, jobs will be few and far between. So either he takes this job or moves into a different field of law which presumably he doesn't like that much.

The OP isn’t in Ilkley, she’s in Pool in Wharfedale which is between Otley and Leeds. Pool to Longsight is easily going to be 2h on public transport, but do-able for a few months to see how it goes.

There are some lovely semi-rural places on the north east side of Manchester that have a similar feel to Pool and Otley, and there are hospitals at Tameside and Oldham.