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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Expect DH To Remember Stuff??

62 replies

tigercub50 · 22/03/2018 08:48

Just wrote a long post which disappeared so hopefully this will work!
I do try not to get annoyed but sometimes I can’t help it as it seems DH doesn’t remember even quite basic stuff. For example, he asked if I was off today but all he needs to do is look at my work rota on the kitchen board. When I told him that, he got a bit shirty & said something like “ Well, if it’s too difficult for you to tell me” which immediately got me on the defensive. It’s other things as well & I am convinced at the time that he was listening but clearly he wasn’t or at least not properly. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 22/03/2018 08:50

But is it difficult for you to tell him?

I would find it a bit odd to be with someone ask them such a simple question then get a shirty reply tbh

LifeBeginsAtGin · 22/03/2018 08:51

Yes I can relate.

What pisses me off is he is a manager with staff and a responsible job and he'll remember his staff's medical appointments but not mine Hmm

Oysterbabe · 22/03/2018 08:52

I'd be annoyed if you snapped at me over asking a simple question.

BeachyUmbrella · 22/03/2018 08:56

Mine can't remember stuff..... drives me potty! My new response is not to answer any questions that he would know the answer to if he had a diary that he maintained....
So to 'when do the schools finish?' I either answer google it, it's on the calendar or I don't know Grin

Original poster
tigercub50 · 22/03/2018 08:58

I didn’t snap at him - the thing was I’d been talking before about stuff I was planning to do today so as I said to him, I wasn’t working because I then wouldn’t be able to do that stuff. He said I could be doing a later shift but I only have one late shift a week

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 22/03/2018 08:59

Um... I'm not sure why your example would make you arsey, unless you were standing next to the board in the kitchen at the time. Is your DH not allowed to ask questions?

hotcrossbunsandtea · 22/03/2018 08:59

If your days off change all the time, I don't see a problem with him asking you. I mean, yes, he COULD look on the board, but maybe he was making conversation? Or it was a precursor question to something else, depending on your answer?

I don't think there was any need to snap at him. My days off are different every week and DP always forgets, and asks me at least three times whether I'm working at the weekend or not!

elQuintoConyo · 22/03/2018 09:00

Re your second post, seems you were being obtuse.

I hope he is on Dadsnet being told to naff off for a spa weekend Grin

frankchickens · 22/03/2018 09:02

YABU

Steeley113 · 22/03/2018 09:05

Mine is like this, drives me insane. I can talk at him the night before about something and he’ll still ask me in the morning.

lilydaisyrose · 22/03/2018 09:06

This drives me potty. My DH will, without fail, ask me what time school finishes/Cubs starts/Guides finishes or ask what tea we've planned for today. All because...

  1. He doesn't listen
  2. He doesn't retain information
  3. He can't be bothered to look at the shared calendar which details everything
  4. He can't be bothered to read school/Cubs/Guides/my emails/text messages/Whatsapp properly

It's just more mental load shit.

Steeley113 · 22/03/2018 09:06

Oh and I’ve been asking him for months to download the School app to help share the load a bit. Nope, still asks me about everything.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 22/03/2018 09:11

frankchickens can you say why?

OP posts:
Original poster
tigercub50 · 22/03/2018 09:13

I didn’t snap.

OP posts:
usr67 · 22/03/2018 09:18

I can relate, although I agree the example you gave wasn't the best for garnering sympathy! Everyone in my household seems to find it convenient to use my brain for the boring stuff, to keep theirs pristine for more interesting stuff. I've started complaining about it in those terms. Shared Google calendars help, too.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 22/03/2018 09:18

Mine asks me what the time is while standing in front of the kitchen clock 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yanbu OP - it's bloody rude and annoying.

I refer him to the calendar now but he still asks what are we doing this weekend, and can't be bothered to look at shared to do list. Somehow he manages to hold down a job & run a team Hmm

QuiteCleanBandit · 22/03/2018 09:19

Its laziness.
He doesnt have to think or retain information if he has you to do it for him.

My answer would be "my shifts are on the fridge"
I dont reply to "where are my keys"etc
He has stopped doing it 😁

BeyondThePage · 22/03/2018 09:20

my DH forgot his brother's birthday

"because you didn't remind me"

That became an interesting evening! (and yes, he apologised to me)

WilyMinx · 22/03/2018 09:24

My husband likes to ask me the same question over and over again which is very annoying and I do snap at him, because he obviously wasn't listening to me the first/second/third time I answered him. When we were dating, he would constantly remind me of my appointments and things I had to do, so I know he can be attentive if he bothered.

unicornfarts · 22/03/2018 09:26

OMG TOTALLY relate.....With just the one example it makes you look snarky, but when it's every day, every little thing....then it's really annoying. Makes you feel completely taken for granted. Have tried to stop enabling it, but it hasn't worked. Maybe I haven't been consistent enough. But then I think that a fully grown professional man should be able to remember just as well as a this fully grown professional woman! Why am I training him to function as an adult! Obvs I blame MIL.....:-)

upsideup · 22/03/2018 09:27

You could of said yes or no, a lot quicker that telling him he could of just looked at the work rota in the kitchen and turning it into an problem.
Most couples would just talk to each other.

TheNaze73 · 22/03/2018 09:28

He doesn’t see it as important

QuiteCleanBandit · 22/03/2018 09:31

up
Thats just one example in a bigger picture of constantly doing it .
Its "wifework"

MysweetAudrina · 22/03/2018 09:33

My dh has no memory, I have a really good memory. It means I win all rows though and he has no chance of gas lighting me. For the last 5 years I work share and take every second Friday off work. A few weeks ago he asked me why I was taking a Friday off work. I told him it was my week off and he said I didn't take every second week off that I just took random Fridays off. I have never taken a random Friday off. I take every second Friday off. I pick the kids up from school on this day. How could he have been living with me for the last 4 years and not known this???

Original poster
tigercub50 · 22/03/2018 09:34

unicornfarts that’s it exactly! Well, not every day, but it’s pretty often. Again, it goes back to when our relationship was abusive & he would have a proper go at me if I dared to be annoyed because I should remember that he’s human & makes mistakes sometimes 😞
So yes, that one example doesn’t explain the whole picture. I know he’s very busy & has a lot to do as he’s self - employed but it’s respectful to listen to your other half & at least try to remember some of what you’re told

OP posts:
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