To Expect DH To Remember Stuff??

[tigercub50]

Just wrote a long post which disappeared so hopefully this will work!
I do try not to get annoyed but sometimes I can’t help it as it seems DH doesn’t remember even quite basic stuff. For example, he asked if I was off today but all he needs to do is look at my work rota on the kitchen board. When I told him that, he got a bit shirty & said something like “ Well, if it’s too difficult for you to tell me” which immediately got me on the defensive. It’s other things as well & I am convinced at the time that he was listening but clearly he wasn’t or at least not properly. Can anyone relate?

I don't think your example was great, but I can see where you are coming from.

I have abdicated all responsiblity for communicating important info with DH's family. This year it has meant dbro got a late birthday card and half his family can't make our dd's christening because they got invited 3 weeks before rather than 3 months.

"when our relationship was abusive" - that's some drip-feed! Is the tense really correct?

Well, if it’s too difficult for you to tell me

DH is very strongly inclined to ask me things, rather than look them up or keep track himself. I started feeling good that i remembered things that he didn't, the novelty soon wore off. However, he had been 'trained' to know that just asking was a very, very efficient way of finding out things he didn't find particularly interesting.

So, I started to just not notice that he had asked, and so not answer, as if i genuinely had not heard his question. (If he is busy, it takes a bomb for him to notice anything so it seemed fair enough). If he kept asking, i just kept not noticing. If he took the trouble to get my attention, then ask me, I would either sound puzzled or , as if suddenly remembering, there is a copy of my schedule on the fridge (or whatever). Crucially, make no move to go and look and then go back to whatever you were doing.

He hasn't stopped asking entirely, but it has cut the volume of repeated questions considerably.

Anyone saying how difficult is it to just tell him, might usefully ask themselves why , if its so easy, he needs you to do it, while he waits for you to do it, turning a simple job into a two person event? And maybe google mental load or wifework. Pah.

when our relationship was abusive

Are you sure past tense is appropriate here? In my experience, abusers rarely ever change.

Sorry didn’t mean to drip feed ( I have posted quite a lot in the past about my marriage). I am actually planning to go back to counselling so that I can be helped to move on. Things are massively better but I am tending to react as if they are still the same.

Ynbu my ex was like this. He still is in fact. I send him information pertaining to the children's holidays over and over and he will still ask me about dates.
I think it's utter laziness, he just can't be arsed to look at what iv sent him.

I get that your post wasn't the best example but if it's happening all the time despite the fact that he knows where the information is then yes it gets irritating.

Male incompetence is a form of misogyny. I refuse to pander to it.

Well, he's still abusive. Because, like all abusers, he thinks you are basically his servant and it's your responsibility to do all the stuff he decides is beneath him.
Yeah, sure, some men whose only fault is expecting their female partners to be in sole charge of the domestic schedule, family birthdays, food supplies etc are maybe not really abusive, but men who consider women their servants don't have too far to go before they cross a line...

I can relate.
The thing I find most infuriating is that when these stupid questions arise ('are there nappies in the bag?' While holding said bag) I'm normally sorting out some other shit menial boring mum task, which gets sidelined, and potentially forgotten while I stop to reply to the non-problem that he could have, with literally 3 seconds of effort, completed alone.
Even if the reply is 'i dunno, have a look' its a distraction frm my train of thought and then, for example, DS ends up at nursery with no dummy and there's an extra task for me to take it in later, or I end up upstairs forgetting what I came up for.

He does however have one of those photo brains which remembers where everything is, so I do end up asking him where things are a lot - BUT only after having a good look myself.

I think people saying "well you could have just answered him" are missing the point. It's exhausting having to be the one who remembers everything and infuriating when someone chooses always to wait to be told about or asked by you to do something, rather than taking a bit of responsibility and remembering, finding things out or noticing that things need doing themselves.

DH does the "well if you just ask me I'll do it" thing all the time, to which I want to scream "why is it on me to ask you? Why am I the one who has to notice or know or remember that something needs to be done? Who fucking asks or reminds me?"

I just had this this morning. My partner was talking to our toddler about the nice day they were going to have next Tuesday because he has booked a holiday off work. But the nursery is closed for a training day the week after, so I asked why he had booked it that way. He got all arsey, asked "Why didn't you tell me?" No one had to tell me! Its on the holiday list on the fridge! Stupid things like this just wear down your feelings for them after time.

Omg can relate! Dh busy job high stress at times but does well n us obviously well able to remember things there. But like that in one ear out the other for anything at home. But I don't do cards n stuff for his famiky tho (so they get late or not at all) n he is a beaver leader with dd so I stay out of that (so subs always late n always looking for stuff last minute but his own fault n he knows it!). Like that when I met him he was great for remembering dates n cards n stuff. Is like that side if their brain switches off when married lol!

It's simply expecting you to do the boring wifework while they get on with important man stuff.
Their incompetence mysteriously only exists inside the home.

Oh, and an example from an earlier relationship. We were setting off to drive to Devon. He set off, seemingly forgetting that the road we were on did not have access to the A3, which was where we wanted to be. I pointed this out, he brushed me off saying don't be stupid, of course it does have access.

Reader it is a limited interchange. I knew how long it would add to our journey, so repeated it. When he still wouldn't listen, I started to sing a little song, you can't get on the A3 at junction x, you can't get onto the A3...

When we got there, and it turned out i was right, he said 'why didn't you tell me?' And it still took me years to get rid. Sigh.

I’m definitely not his servant - he pulls his weight with housework etc ( although I have been saying lately that he could do a bit more now I’m working too) but he doesn’t really know about stuff like what DD needs for school, clubs etc & wouldn’t really think to buy birthday cards. To be honest, I quite enjoy making lists & organising so perhaps he’s got used to leaving it to me.

ARGH. I feel your pain OP.

I'm organising a house renovation atm and the builder needed somebody to come in to move some sockets before they can carry on with the plastering in that room today. DP didn't listen to me about what needed doing, took the wrong things with him and couldn't do the job. Wonderful. I told him to notify the builders so they'd know before commencing work today.

Just received an email from the builder's wife, a missed call from the builder and a text from the builder telling me he can't continue today because the sockets haven't been moved. So not only did DP fuck up by not listening to me, but he's also expensively wasted our contractor's time this morning. Wonderful. DP is a professional btw and manages to manage his department just fine.

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP but I'm venting because men can be so fucking dense sometimes

p.s. DP is not an electrician but can do basic electrics. I asked him whether the above was within his capabilities or whether we needed a professional so he had the option of not having to do anything but chose to fuck everything up instead

Like others have said, I'd also be offended if someone snapped at me for just asking a simple, normal question. It sounds like he was simply trying to chat to you - would you rather he ignored you totally?
It sounds like there are much deeper problems and some unresolved anger over something and you need to sort it out, otherwise your marriage is going to seriously fall apart if you keep sniping at each other.
Another thing to consider (if he's always forgetting things) is maybe he needs a checkup with the doctor - maybe he has an underlying neurological problem which affects his memory --- or maybe he's just like my husband who is so busy that he simply has too much in his head to remember stuff at home. It's not right and it's frustrating but it's no reason to become enemies x

Yup! I will frequently tell DH things then he will say, 'what's happening this weekend?' I'll say, 'I'm going out with X, remember?' Then he'll claim I never told him. He said we should have a calendar on kitchen wall and we do but he never looks at it....

My DH is exactly the same. It's so frustrating.

He seems to be getting slightly better after he missed his Mum's & Sister's birthdays last year (because he didn't check the calendar)

And he missed a concert he REALLY wanted to go to because he forgot to write it on the calendar, so I added something else & the rule is whatever goes on the calendar first takes precedent.

When he asks me "where's my keys?" "when are we going to see friends" my stock answer is "Oh, I dunno"

He's stopped asking now!

Just read more of what you've written OP with regards to you having an abusive marriage - it changes thing a lot!

I feel like my response is inappropriate now - get the counselling you want and I wish you all the best - it's only natural you still feel angry and that's exactly why you respond in the way you do

This is just wifework.

Men can claim to be pulling their weight because they do a sensible proportion of the physical jobs relating to the house/children but their female partners are the ones expected to 'project manage' everything. Dad may take the child to brownies etc but mum is expected to know what night, what time, where her uniform is, what she needs to take each week etc.

Obviously NAMALT.

somebody once told me that it's a passive form of abuse so forms part of the bigger whole.

What does NAMALT mean?
We’ve just talked about it again & I do wonder if he worries about his memory & that’s why he gets so defensive ( his Mum had dementia). He feels like we’ve been bickering for the past few days & that I’m telling him off but as I just told him, he is quick enough to tell me if something I do is annoying him. I told him we need to be able to discuss things otherwise nothing ever gets resolved.

Finallyhere how did you not kill him?