To Expect DH To Remember Stuff??

[tigercub50]

Just wrote a long post which disappeared so hopefully this will work!
I do try not to get annoyed but sometimes I can’t help it as it seems DH doesn’t remember even quite basic stuff. For example, he asked if I was off today but all he needs to do is look at my work rota on the kitchen board. When I told him that, he got a bit shirty & said something like “ Well, if it’s too difficult for you to tell me” which immediately got me on the defensive. It’s other things as well & I am convinced at the time that he was listening but clearly he wasn’t or at least not properly. Can anyone relate?

Its a human thing to find the easiest way to get the result you want.

Once people know they can outsource remembering something, they will. We used to know phone numbers, now we save them into our phones so we dont have to. That guy in work who usually reorders the printer ink? Most people will ask him if theres a refill in stock instead of looking themselves because its filed under "Steve keeps The Tribes Knowledge of that".

The only way around this usually is to become "not the quickest way of doing it" - redirect them to the calendar, dont always answer right away, remind them that its not your job to be The One Who Knows. And yes, its game-playing in a way and it feels mean and petty, but its really no different to the child "it would be quicker to just keep changing nappies and brushing their teeth for them" situation.

The only thing I still find fascinating is its ALWAYS the woman that ends up being The Knower Of Things and I've never seen any theories as to why that is beyond the socialising to be helpful and nice.

@AthenasOwl dunno 😆 When I finally told friends and family we were finished, i was genuinely surprised that they all said 'thank goodness'

@StormTreader ALWAYS the woman that ends up being The Knower Of Things and I've never seen any theories as to why that is beyond the socialising to be helpful and nice.

While I agree it is usually the woman, but my own dear mother managed to avoid the trap by being fun but unreliable. She was great fun but not consistent with facts, on quite a scale. At even quite a young age we knew that if Mummy said it, it might or might not happen. Apparently, in the primary years, I would ask here 'really really or just pretend'

somebody once told me that it's a passive form of abuse so forms part of the bigger whole.

I think that's stretching the definition of abuse beyond any meaningful use and would mean my wife is abusing me, which I find ridiculous. In reality I am just more organised than her and like making use of technology (eg using school apps and "ok Google" to set calendars and reminders) whereas she is somewhat "ditzy" and a bit of a luddite. She also has a habit of putting things away in the wrong place and will deny she's ever seen it until you find it somewhere bizarre which then jogs her memory of moving it there, which we laugh about. On second thoughts, maybe she is abusing me

Slarti I must admit, I don’t think this forgetting thing is abuse.

TheNaze73 he did actually say that it’s not important that he remembers things like if I’m going to the hairdresser & that’s true but I told him that when he forgets all sorts of things, it makes me feel that he’s not interested in my day at all.

I had 10 missed calls from DH yesterday as he got home unexpectedly early from work and hadn’t taken his key so couldn’t get in. His answerphone and text messages showed he was quite annoyed. It was on the family calendar and we had discussed the day before that I was going into DC school early for a big event they were involved in. If he had even phoned me to say he was going to be early then I could have reminded him. He would have enjoyed the event, had even said that it’s a shame he can never make it. However even after making several calls at a time I would normally have been in he still didn’t think where I was. Maybe he might actually listen in future instead of pretending. I’m just glad I turned my phone off.

DP's memory is pretty bad, but I wouldn't mind as much if he didn't misremember things and then argue with me when I correct him.

'So we've got that appointment at 11, right?'
'No, half 11'.
'Really? I'm sure it was 11'.
'Check the calendar. It's half 11'

Over and over again. It frustrates me because he never just takes my word for it, I have to show him proof as well.

Bump

I can completely relate. I just leave him to it now and remind him of bugger all so he has to deal with the consequences. So far, it's taught him.....nothing. He's the best man for an upcoming wedding and organising the stag do...abroad...his passport is out of date and he's been "meaning to" renew it for about 9 months now. Not my problem.

I can completely relate to this. I am quite organised, so I do a lot of planning at home. DH just asks me what's for dinner, what are we doing this weekend, did I realise DS needs a haircut / we're running low on x item.

We have a shared calendar in our phones, he rarely checks it. I have a notice board with our meal plan on it, he insisted it was stuck to the inside of a cupboard door, so he never thinks to look at it. Most requests for help with planning, organising etc are met with claims of being too tired / stressed to think about it right now. I have to request time in advance for him to think about big things.

Every so often, I lose my rag and explain about the mental load and I want him to pull his weight more. He nods, makes sympathetic noises, asks what he can do to help and promptly forgets within a day or so.

Some stuff I leave up to him (mainly his family stuff), but I have to take it on otherwise we would live on rubbish food / never socialise or go on holiday

@tiramisualwaystiramisu ditton on the shared calender. Asked for it, never checks it.

Everyone in my household seems to find it convenient to use my brain for the boring stuff, to keep theirs pristine for more interesting stuff.

Oh god, yes, exactly this. What a good way of putting it. Maybe we should all stop playing along. I am going to practise saying ' Don't know. Can't remember' as often as necessary.