To think my therapist was massively inappropriate?

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I’ve been seeing a new counsellor for a short period of time. She is quite forthright and tbh after some of the sessions I’ve come away feeling like my life is shit. However I’m persevering.

One issue is my DD and her teenage rebellion phase, which DH and I don’t deal with in the same way. So their relationship has been a bit strained over the last year (he isn’t DDs dad).

Today my therapist basically asked me if he was sexually abusing her.

AIBU to wonder where the fuck that came from and why any normal human would jump to that conclusion? I was, and still am, about the whole conversation. Needless to say it isn’t in the realm of possibility and the whole conversation has made me hugely uncomfortable. She told me she “had to ask”. Er - no. No, you don’t.

AIBU to think this was massively over the line and a bizarre conclusion to reach?

That is probably one the strangest things she could ask. Where did she draw that conclusion from?

If you don't feel you are 'clicking' with this therapist can you try another?
Also that question sounds bizarre.

Please don't persevere with a counsellor who isn't helping you. Find one that suits you. You need to feel relaxed and confident during a session. Even if they ask challenging questions, you need to trust them. I would advise you find someone else.

I don’t know where she drew the conclusion from. DD will roll her eyes and backchat occasionally but that’s pretty much it.

Glad I’m not alone in finding it bizarre and maybe I do need a new therapist.

Counsellors should have” small mouth and big ears” ie listen most of the time. I’m not sure she sounds very well trained.
Therapists give more tools and input.

She didn't really "jump to a conclusion" though did she? She asked a question. I can see how it would be upsetting but I'm guessing your counsellor doesn't know your dd or her stepdad so its not personal. And sexual abuse is a common cause of teenagers acting out and stepdads are high up the list of abusers, so I can see where the question came from.

stepdads are high up the list of abusers, so I can see where the question came from
Do you have any statistics to back this up?
Is there a list of who is more likely to abuse a child a natural parent step parent grand parent uncle etc

Yes there are lots of statistics to back this up - have a quick google.

Generally therapists don’t ask the question straight out like that ime - it’s more along the lines of ‘is there anything else you want to tell me’ or ‘have you any reason to think anything untoward is going on’ etc.

I don't think it was right to ask you unless she had considerable grounds to suspect this could be happening.

You need a new therapist as you should not be feeling worse after seeing her.

Yes I'm not defending the way the subject was raised, just that it is a possibility worthy of being mentioned (even if it's immediately dismissed).

If you don't feel relaxed with her go elsewhere.

But I don't think it's an unreasonable question to ask.

I think you need to feel totally comfortable with a therapist and she doesn't sound right for you or anyone to be frank

She doesnt sound very professional... is she accredited? With BACP?
never feel guilty about changing therapist if you don't click.

So you don't have any then. And this therapist just jumped to a conclusion with no basis at all. Beyond the old evil step parent myth.

I can't imagine that this is the correct way for any professional with concerns to bring it up.

Not exactly the same role as her's to you (I'm a Principal) but if I had concerns - and sadly I have - I would never broach it like that or with the partner of the 'suspect'. For a start, if it were true, it's likely to put her and you in danger.

I mostly agree with @rocketgirl. You might feel drained or thoughtful or confused or other things, not always 'better', but you shouldn't be leaving with such massive questions foisted on you.

Is she a therapist or a counsellor?
What are her credentials?

Anyone can call themselves a counsellor. My SIL did. She was the most fucked up person I ever met.
And I have met a lot of fucked up people.

That question was inappropriate. Did she ask if you thought she may be being abused or did she ask 'is he abusing her?'

That's ridiculously clumsy and borderline unethical depending on context and what you'd said previously....

Yes, what are the qualifications of this person?

No Buster 72 I'm saying there is lots of studies that conclude that stepfathers are high up/top of the rankings of people likely to abuse a child (bearing in mind that most children aren't abused) but the exact statistics vary depending on country and which group of studies are collated.

Asking a question is not drawing a conclusion.

When it comes to seeing a therapist I think you need to trust your instincts. I had a counselor who sounded as forthright and as opinionated as yours is and ended up doing more harm than good. To be honest I felt like I was paying someone to give me their personal opinion of my life, not a trained professional.

Even if she did have some grounds to suspected this might be happening to your daughter, I think to come right out with it like that is very odd indeed.

Could you point me in there direction at least?

Buster a quick Google produced this Wikipedia article.

It's not uncommon to leave therapy sessions feeling worse than when you went in. Good therapy changes things and often entails facing up to and working through uncomfortable stuff that has been repressed for a long time which can be very upsetting. Hopefully the end results make it worth it. So I wouldn't leave just because of that.

You say she 'basically' asked if he was abusing her. If those were the words she used I would also be very shocked. She does have to investigate if she suspects a minor might be in danger in the home but just asking a bald question like that out of the blue is not professional, sold be considered 'leading' and might well be counterproductive if there actually was abuse within the home.

Assuming you have checked her out and she is appropriately qualified and supervised I would give her one last chance - go back and tell her what you've told us and see how she responds. That level of openness and honesty from you might be the breakthrough you need to establish a healthy therapeutic alliance. If you aren't happy with her response tell her that you are leaving and why.
If you think it's appropriate you can always follow up with a complaint to whichever professional body she is affiliated to.

Truthfully as strangers on the internet, this is almost impossible to judge. We don't know what you said to her. Maybe you told her things that rang alarm bells for her?