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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my therapist was massively inappropriate?

76 replies

My38274thNameChange · 19/03/2018 15:36

I’ve been seeing a new counsellor for a short period of time. She is quite forthright and tbh after some of the sessions I’ve come away feeling like my life is shit. However I’m persevering.

One issue is my DD and her teenage rebellion phase, which DH and I don’t deal with in the same way. So their relationship has been a bit strained over the last year (he isn’t DDs dad).

Today my therapist basically asked me if he was sexually abusing her.

AIBU to wonder where the fuck that came from and why any normal human would jump to that conclusion? I was, and still am, Shock about the whole conversation. Needless to say it isn’t in the realm of possibility and the whole conversation has made me hugely uncomfortable. She told me she “had to ask”. Er - no. No, you don’t.

AIBU to think this was massively over the line and a bizarre conclusion to reach?

OP posts:
TheXXFactor · 19/03/2018 16:52

YANBU to be weirded out, but I am impressed that your therapist asked. She must have known that it would probably lose you as a client. Yet she was prepared to lose income, because something in what you had told her had raised a concern. Obviously she was wrong in your case, but she put your DD's safety before her own interests. That is commendable.

Shedmicehugh1 · 19/03/2018 16:55

What are her qualifications?

AcrossthePond55 · 19/03/2018 16:59

I wouldn't necessarily consider that question a deal breaker if I was happy with her counseling over all, but I certainly would ask her why she felt the need to ask it. Has she picked up a 'red flag' in our sessions? If so, did I phrase something innocuous in a way to arouse suspicion or am I missing something that I should be seeing?

I honestly don't think that question would be 'routinely asked' by a therapist.

crunchymint · 19/03/2018 17:01

Agree it would not be routinely asked. So I would think about what you said to her.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/03/2018 17:02

Truthfully as strangers on the internet, this is almost impossible to judge. We don't know what you said to her. Maybe you told her things that rang alarm bells for her?

Exactly. We also don't know exactly what the counselor said.
OP, you say she "basically asked" if he was sexually abusing her but what did she actually say?

Faintlinesquints · 19/03/2018 17:06

I don't think it sounds like she jumped to a conclusion, as pp mentioned, she simply asked a question.

Therapists have to ask some really tricky and awful questions sometimes, and she must have felt this one was important to ask, although she probably could have gone about it a bit more diplomatically.

Think if the shoe was on the other foot and a woman had a partner who was sexually abusing her child. The woman could be too scared to mention it, or physically couldn't. If a therapist asked this woman the same question, her reaction could have been guaged, or it could have given the woman the push to admit what was happening and put in support and safeguarding for the child.

If you feel you need another therapist because you don't gel, fair enough and it is your right to do so. But I don't think she was inappropriate.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 19/03/2018 17:07

What did she actually say?

Counsellors do have a duty of care when it comes to safeguarding minors and vulnerable adults, and IF she’s trained and working ethically there would have been something in your previous discussions that led her to ask the question, however she phrased it. Did you ask why she had asked you that?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/03/2018 17:08

Could you text or email her before your next session and ask why. It may give you some insight and help with the decision to stay or move to another counsellor. Does she have a “small mouth and big ears” as described by Ohesian? I have in the past felt very dominated by counsellors. These days, I stand up for myself and question their authority. But it’s taken me a really long time to do this. Are you feeling bullied?

DistanceCall · 19/03/2018 17:10

To be honest, it's an idiotic question. If you partner were abusing your child and you knew and tolerated it, you certainly wouldn't tell.

crunchymint · 19/03/2018 17:12

distancecall You are totally wrong. People can have suspicions, but not know, and will voice them if asked. And the counsellor did not actually use those words as OP says herself.

TheXXFactor · 19/03/2018 17:22

distancecall You are totally wrong. People can have suspicions, but not know, and will voice them if asked

This. Or the non-abuser parent may have noticed certain symptoms (in this case, a sudden change in behaviour, perhaps?) but not be aware that abuse is a possible cause.

Safeguarding isn't a precise art. I have been working with abused children for 20 years as an HCP - only about 5% of cases are barn door. 95% of the time they are not - there can be loads of possible causes of changes in children's behaviour or physical symptoms like bruising - abuse is only one of many. If you only worry about abuse when it's barn door obvious, you will miss 95% of cases. Head on over to one of the threads about abuse in childhood and see how many posters were let down by HCPs or teachers who saw signs that should have raised concerns, but did nothing.

HCPs are damned if they do, and damned if they don't. Do the PPs slagging off the therapist think that she should have just kept her mouth shut, if she was worried about possible abuse? Or should she have gone straight to social services? As an independent therapist, those were probably her only other options.

Kestant · 19/03/2018 17:24

Cannot believe how many people on here just accept 'counsellors' at face value. Even the NHS trained, 30 years practicing therapists will never lead a patient in that way, will accept they could be wrong. That they are learning all the time, even when they retire they are not even at their peak.

And yet so many people blindly follow Quacks, Cranks and bloody Weirdos just because they call themselves 'counsellor'. Just like bloody 'life-coaches' doing deep harm.

Bombardier25966 · 19/03/2018 17:28

We don't have any context here. We don't know how the question was phrased or what had been discussed up to that point.

No background conversation and a random "is your husband abusing your daughter?" is inappropriate.

A discussion over daughter's marked change in behaviour and acting out towards step dad, "do you have any concerns about your husband's behaviour towards your daughter?", appropriate and responsible.

Therapy can leave me feeling like shit. Unravelling your past is going to have some negative impact before you can rebuild something more positive.

LagunaBubbles · 19/03/2018 17:31

What type of therapy is it OP and is it a therapist or a counsellor, these are different? Is it private or on the NHS?

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/03/2018 17:47

HCPs are damned if they do

We have no idea if she is a HCP.
I could set up as a counsellor tomorrow if I wanted to.

It all depends on what she said. The way the op describes it is certainly not how someone experienced in safeguarding would tackle it.

TheXXFactor · 19/03/2018 19:22

If she was a private therapist, she had 3 options if she was concerned about abuse:

  1. Do nothing
  2. Contact social services
  3. Ask the OP whether she had concerns

Do the posters slagging off the therapist think she should have gone for option 1 or 2? Both would have been much easier for her (much easier to report to SS than ask a client straight out), but she chose option 3.

As for how she went about it, the OP hasn't told us that, only how it made her feel.

ApproachingATunnel · 19/03/2018 19:27

The therapist is shit. If you feel like you have to put your defences up seeing her it’s hardly going to be productive, isn’t it. Time for new counsellor.

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/03/2018 21:51

If she was a private therapist, she had 3 options if she was concerned about abuse

  1. Do nothing
  2. Contact social services
  3. Ask the OP whether she had concerns

All of the above depend very much on what she based those concerns on.
If it was just that the teen DD is being stroppy and the SF is inconsistent with how he deals with it there would be fuck all point in contacting SS and asking the OP if her husband is sexually abusing her DD is bizarre.

If the OP has been sharing concerning details and the therapist/counsellor and they asked the OP if she thought abuse might be a possibility its a very different scenario.

You can't use general concerns about the abuse of children as an excuse for inappropriate questioning.
Based on the OP, that is what happened.

But as they haven't returned we don't know if their initial description of events is accurate.

Butchmanda · 19/03/2018 23:10

That's shit. I had one who asked 'do you love your son': I was in therapy in the first place because I was in pieces over the effect DS's autism was having on me and I wasn't coping well. I was already feeling an utter failure and suicidally low and she said that. I found another therapist straight away.

cockupparent · 19/03/2018 23:18

What led her to ask that question? Something you said must have triggered the "had to ask" comment?

If there was nothing... then yes, very bad practice I would think. But honestly was there anything you could have said to trigger that thought?

I think if you don't feel she's understanding you that it would be good to find a new therapist. I've had good and bad matches. Don't persevere if you don't trust/like/feel threatened by this one. Personality clashes aren't the way to work through your most intimate thoughts 💭

HopefullyAnonymous · 19/03/2018 23:28

This is the exact reason that I acted out/was stroppy as a teen. My stepdad was abusing me. Sadly my mum didn’t believe me when I eventually got the courage to say. I wish someone had listened to an account of our hone life and asked her the same question, just in case it made her look at things a bit differently.

If there is nothing to worry about in your situation I really would try not to take it personally. Sometimes it’s better to just ask.

User3228769787765 · 19/03/2018 23:33

OP, if a therapist asked me this about my DH, I'd say 'no of course not! He's lovely' and might ask why she'd asked. I wouldn't t feel angry.

I'm wondering why this has annoyed you so much? Sometimes therapists hit on raw nerves inadvertently. I doubt your therapist was intending to upset you. She might have been clumsy with phrasing, or perhaps she felt she better ask for whatever reason. But I think your reaction is quite interesting, and maybe there could b value in thinking about why this question has upset you as much as it has.

Juiceylucy09 · 19/03/2018 23:42

I would not see her again. if your teenage DD and stepdad dont see eye to eye, that is normal teenahge behaviour even with Bio dads and teenage daughters.

Imo there are plenty of other reasons why they have issues and the therapist should have assessed these firstly.

You sound shocked so if you have no doubt at all, I would change councillor, some do more harm than good.

Juiceylucy09 · 19/03/2018 23:44

Im very sorry to hear of pp's that have experienced abuse by a Step parent.

Octave777 · 19/03/2018 23:45

Doesn't shock me. The fucked up things I've heard from therapists.

If she is making you feel bad then move on.