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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Wife and baby to support”

85 replies

Bebepoor · 14/02/2018 22:26

I worked very hard to get a job with an employer offering great maternity. I then saved to be able to pay myself a full time salary over the 3 months on SMP and the 3 unpaid months of the 12 months mat leave I planned to take. Since I’ve been on mat leave we’re (very luckily) not seeing a real drop in income.

DH will not stop referring to “having to support a wife and baby” and “having a wife and baby at home” to gain discounts on things (eg product fee was knocked off our mortgage renewal; extra 3 years guarantee and servicing on our car) or sympathy or even just favours. He even got an early promotion at work because of his “young family”.

It makes me feel absolutely pathetic. Like I’m a drain. I hate it. He just thinks he’s being canny. AIBU?

OP posts:
Sarsparella · 14/02/2018 22:29

Meh, if he’s doing it to get discounts it’s benefitting you both, he clearly knows it’s not technically true, can’t say I’d get worked up about it

Roseandmabelshouse · 14/02/2018 22:29

Why not!

But I'm the same. I supported my own mat leave

gamerwidow · 14/02/2018 22:30

Just canny on your DH part as long as his only playing if up to get discounts etc. If he starts doing the little woman bit in other areas of life that’s a problem but not if it’s just a negotiating technique.

Allthewaves · 14/02/2018 22:30

He's blagging - would still piss me off

DixieFlatline · 14/02/2018 22:32

He even got an early promotion at work because of his “young family”.

This would piss me off very much were I a woman at his work in the same situation who wasn't granted the same.

NotAnotherEmma · 14/02/2018 22:35

Discounts are one thing but the job promotion...has he no shame?

finishline · 14/02/2018 22:36

DH's company has lots of perks for new parents and I encourage him to make the most of all of them! I bring in an equal amount to the household due to a passive income but personally I see us as a team and it benefits us all as a family to take advantage of all the perks we can.

Original poster
Bebepoor · 14/02/2018 22:38

Like I just feel if he said “I’ve got half a big childcare bill coming up soon!” then it would be so much better. Not just for me but for the person with whom he’s interacting, their impression of me, “The Cause”...etc.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 14/02/2018 22:41

It wouldn't bother me, as his wife, if he were managing to blag discounts / better deals.
It would bother me hugely if somebody got a promotion at work because he was a man with a young baby at home Hmm

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2018 22:44

I think the worrying thing is that anybody, his employers in particular, offer such discounts and promotions, especially if they do so in any way with a preference for fathers.

As a single woman, with a household to run by myself, I'd have been livid.

SD1978 · 14/02/2018 22:45

Depends fully on how he is treating you- does he resent it? Make comments to you? Otherwise he’s just giving it a crack and saving money- similar to the it’s our honeymoon or my birthday to try and scram a discount on meal/hotel.

PancakeInMaBelly · 14/02/2018 22:47

Nope wouldnt bother me I'd be egging him on to keep hamming it up to keep getting discounts if its a winning formula!

Thelampshadelady · 14/02/2018 22:48

I’d roll with! Worth getting a freebie if you can.

Riverside2 · 14/02/2018 22:55

Getting a promotion due to young family? Surely there'll be complaints? No basis for promotion in that!

FloraFox · 14/02/2018 22:57

This is one of the reasons men make more progress in work than women. Other men relate to this so will go along with it. Those same men will take the opposite approach with women. It's the same men I've heard saying "I don't know why we pay maternity leave - why should I pay to support another man's family?" who will also say a bloke "deserves" a pay raise / bonus / promotion because he has a family to support.

category12 · 14/02/2018 22:57

Why do you say "very luckily" you haven't seen a drop in income - you haven't seen a drop in income because you saved tons of money to make sure you didn't. Did he save at all?

And yes, it's bloody annoying for him to go around acting like you're a financial burden (even if it's for discounts).

timeisnotaline · 14/02/2018 22:59

Wouldn’t bother me, but I know he knows and everyone else knows that we have a pretty equal relationship . I treat our salaries like our money and budget accordingly.

peachypetite · 14/02/2018 22:59

Aren't your finances joint?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/02/2018 23:01

He probably enjoys saying that to people. It makes him feel like a Real Man, battling to bring home the bacon for his family. He is the strong one, supporting his woman and child. Like a caveman.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/02/2018 23:02

That's true FloraFox and I've heard of it happening IRL too.

Presumably because they think the man will stay with the company and repay its generosity / feel obligated towards it, whereas a woman could flit off on maternity leave again and possibly never come back. The younger or single woman might do the same in future.

Ginkypig · 14/02/2018 23:02

He won't get half the things you've mentioned if he worded it like that though, the whole point is he's going for the emotional thing, hoping people will see him as the new father trying to do the best by his family, please sir can you help me do that card

For me it depends on how he is treating you and how he is talking to people who he can't get "gains" from like friends and family.
If he is genuinely treating you and talking about you and baby like your a drain or if he's just doing what Iv described above.

te7037 · 14/02/2018 23:07

I am struggling to understand your feelings.

Your DH hasn't done anything wrong apart from enjoying his newfound status. Why bother!

HeartOfSass · 14/02/2018 23:13

Your DH is being canny. As long as it stays within legal financial benefits to the family rather than in general as a put-down to you, it's fine, be glad to have a DH who is financially savvy as much as you are!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 14/02/2018 23:14

I can understand the feelings!

OP has worked her butt off and saved so that she can support herself financially through her maternity leave and not make a dent in the family income.

Dh is being all woe is me, I have a wife and child to support, I'm the hero holding the family together (even if it is to complete strangers). How annoying.

crunchymint · 14/02/2018 23:16

Don't blame him for getting discounts. But totally unfair to women, or anyone childless. Especially the promotion at work

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