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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Wife and baby to support”

85 replies

Bebepoor · 14/02/2018 22:26

I worked very hard to get a job with an employer offering great maternity. I then saved to be able to pay myself a full time salary over the 3 months on SMP and the 3 unpaid months of the 12 months mat leave I planned to take. Since I’ve been on mat leave we’re (very luckily) not seeing a real drop in income.

DH will not stop referring to “having to support a wife and baby” and “having a wife and baby at home” to gain discounts on things (eg product fee was knocked off our mortgage renewal; extra 3 years guarantee and servicing on our car) or sympathy or even just favours. He even got an early promotion at work because of his “young family”.

It makes me feel absolutely pathetic. Like I’m a drain. I hate it. He just thinks he’s being canny. AIBU?

OP posts:
SaskaTchewan · 15/02/2018 08:35

Getting bargains is one thing, good for him (and you), but the promotion?

That's outrageous. I have heard enough people moaning that their family situation wasn't taken into account (and rightly so!), I have never seen preferential treatments for "parents". Good luck to prove it, but if I could, I would be making an awful amount of noise about it, and I do have kids myself.

McDougalMcPhee · 15/02/2018 08:45

you haven't seen a drop in income because you saved tons of money to make sure you didn't. Did he save at all?

this? why is it always the woman that saves like fuck to go on maternity leave? i know sometimes its a team savings, but more often that not its the woman that saves so she can still pay 'her share'

HeartOfSass · 15/02/2018 08:47

Cambio - but maybe he wouldn’t have got the financial benefits if he hadn’t talked about the family? It depends if he talks to her like that at home too or just as a means to an end, in a specific situation.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/02/2018 08:54

What Butchy and DMLovestheEU are saying He could still get the supposed discounts by saying "My OH and I are supporting a family." YOu have to take him up on this - Logically what he should be going around saying is "I am so proud of OH for saving up to subsidize her maternity leave" or "We are both working hard to support our coming family." First one is what he should be boasting about. What a great partner he has. That last one sounds a bit odd doesn't it.. because who makes statements like that..so now his original self congratulatory statements sound even more annoying. It's not the discounts it's his I'm so Great attitudes whilst not acknowledging your part in the proceedings that must annoy you..
Take him to task or it will get worse.
I used to think we were financial equals and my part in the family finances was fully acknowledged until this happened. My OH once told me that there was no way we could afford the Playstation that everyone else had so DS, was taking flak for being outmoded, no one would come round to play on his PS1 and sneered at it. He wasn't being greedy, just really wanted to fit in at a new school started mid-term. He begged for PS2 for his birthday. No said DH over and over.. so I went out an bought a present we supposedly could afford. Once it was opened with huge disappointment. OH turned round and produced the longed for Playstation with a flourish; "and here's MY present" to rounds of applause . Not only that we'd spent even more than if he'd just said yes to the playstation in the first place.

AskBasil · 15/02/2018 08:54

Is this a thing now? That women are expected to save for their maternity leave, while men just coast along benefiting from the enhanced socio-economic status a woman bearing their child gives them?

Ain't patriarchy great.

AskBasil · 15/02/2018 08:56

Wow Duckbilledsplatterpuff your DH sounds like a twat.

Sorry but there it is.

LTB.

Grin-

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/02/2018 09:03

Wow duck.. no words for that selfish twat.

LucyMorningStar · 15/02/2018 09:10

My H was somewhat similar. He never got up in the night when DD was a baby and yet if he overslept or was late out of laziness would tell work how he is struggling with sleepless nights Confused

When talking to debt collectors he would go on about having to support me and our young child plus his two children from previous relationship even though he hardly ever paid towards anything.

When I was at uni he told everyone how he is putting me through uni, even though I singlehandedly paid all the bills out my student loan.

Go figure

JackieReacher · 15/02/2018 09:17

Yep. I remember when I bought a four door car just before DC1 arrived. Traded in the car I'd paid for in full before meeting DH and paid the balance myself. I overheard him on the phone to his sister later telling her that "I've just been buying Reacher a car". True to the extent that he accompanied me to the dealer, but the implication of course was that he was PROVIDING like a big boy

Backenette · 15/02/2018 09:17

Sadly, in poor companies, people promote from a very small pool in their own image.

Spot on. I’ve seen this first hand.

Married3Children · 15/02/2018 09:28

Total lack of respect for you.
And also total lack of responsibility in The fact that you (and you two) now have a baby.

I would be fuming too and I agree that you need to nip that in the bud ASAP.

cakecakecheese · 15/02/2018 09:54

Just do it back 'I've got a husband and baby to support' Grin

AskBasil · 15/02/2018 09:57

Men don't even see the support women give them and their careers.

It's invisible and taken for granted.

This is what you've got to look forward to from now on.

Good innit?

HeartOfSass · 15/02/2018 10:01

Duckbilled- that is terrible but I don’t think it’s comparable to the op in the sense that your dh did what he did for his own personal medal to your ds, (and two fingers up at you, it wasn’t respectful) whereas ops dh is doing what he does to benefit the family. Unless I’ve missed something. If the ops dh is acknowledging her contribution inside the home and to friends and family and playing it up in specific situations to benefit the family unit then although it’s annoying for op I think it’s canny, as long as it’s legal.

CapnHaddock · 15/02/2018 10:07

I wonder how many mothers get promoted because they have a family to support? Fuck all I suspect.

I was passed over for promotion once in favour of a bloke because he had a 'wife and family to support'. That was years ago tho - I'm shocked this shit still goes on so openly.

g1itterati · 15/02/2018 10:11

If he wants to be the "real-deal" man with a "wife and baby to support" then tell him you're more than happy to have a few more years as a SAHM? He may change his tune.

Conversely, my DH is very much of the mentality that he wouldn't have had DC if he couldn't provide for his wife to be at home with the baby indefinitely and there is nothing wrong with that either. I don't feel like a "drain" and never have.

I never saved money for any maternity leaves - it never even occurred to me to do that. But if I added up the saving on childcare bill for 4 DC, it would be more than that.

g1itterati · 15/02/2018 10:15

Also, there is no shame in letting your DH support you on maternity leave anyway! Odd that you think this makes you a drain Hmm You're not a single mum - you married the man. What else is he supposed to do if he's not the one giving birth, b/f and staying at home?

g1itterati · 15/02/2018 10:20

And finally, what are all these discounts and bargains you can get for having a SAH wife and DC? Confused I've never heard of such a thing and I've been at home for 14 years.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/02/2018 10:37

I think he is being a dick. I doubt anyone is giving him discounts and promotions because he says that he has a "wife and baby" to support. They would probably have given them to him anyway without the sickening sexist crap. Anyway, what is good for the goose is good for the gander so try claiming that you have a husband and baby to support and see if you get discounts too.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2018 10:38

So interesting and so depressing. There's a big overlap here with the 'facilitated men' threads, isn't there. This is part of the opposite side of that coin - in terms of employers' attitudes and assumptions.

I do take your point though FloraFox that it can be more blatant and the 'Daddy bonus' can be just that. Maybe it is, more often than we'd like to imagine.

I recall a friend, about 15 years ago, telling me she'd just been party (but not powerful in relation to) a discussion on annual salary adjustments in a law firm. One partner said to another 'oh, so and so bloke has just had a baby, he'll need a bit extra', thus adding a few £k to said bloke's salary.

What's additionally insidious about that, is that said bloke was at an early stage in his career and that boost will have had repercussions year on year for all the rest of it (plus proportionate pension contributions). No-one gets adjusted down, or goes for a job that pays less. Any 'cost of living' increase adds a % to what one already earns, and on and on, year after year.

Job applications ask for current salary so that new employers can offer more, as necessary, within the band for the job. I've fallen foul of that, when coming from a job in a poorly paid sector, into a more senior, better paid role. I was automatically started at the bottom of the band, explicitly because it was more than my previous salary so they didn't feel they needed to offer me any extra, not because of competence or experience. So, had the second choice candidate come from a better paid role (which they easily could have, if at the same level as my former job but in a different sector) they'd have been offered more money to do the same job, possibly less well.

Sorry, that's a bit of a diversion. It serves to illustrate one knock-on effect of these pay rises though.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/02/2018 10:45

g1tterati There's nothing wrong with choosing, as a couple, for you to be a SAHM and your DH earn the money. That's not the OP's situation though. She and her DH have not made that choice. She's on mat leave, she isn't a long-term SAHM.

Dungeondragon15 · 15/02/2018 10:49

Conversely, my DH is very much of the mentality that he wouldn't have had DC if he couldn't provide for his wife to be at home with the baby indefinitely and there is nothing wrong with that either.

How depressing that anyone would think that in this day and age. It sounds like a throw back from the 1950s. Didn't it occur to him that his wife might want to carry on with her career rather than stay at home and look after his children. His children could have gone to a childminder or nursery or perhaps he could even have considered staying at home himself rather than assuming that he would have to "provide for his wife and family"

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 15/02/2018 10:52

He's just scrounging for a discount. It wouldn't bother me, as long as I didn't have to stand next to him or admit that I knew him. I would probably lend him the baby to help with his wheedling though.

Or, if you can channel his shamelessness, you could take them both to the building society and say "I have a young baby and a husband who struggles to support us and made me save up for my maternity leave...any chance of half a percent off the rate?". Instruct him to look both sad and incompetent while you do this.

g1itterati · 15/02/2018 10:59

I think it's more depressing that so many married women expect to have to fund their own maternity leave, as if they can't possibly be any financial inconvenience to their DH.

I understand if you're used to a double salary and you make plans to maintain this during maternity as far as possible (as I think is the case with the OP). But it seems there are an increasing number of husbands who don't even have joint bank accounts and their wives fund themselves through maternity! Then they also see the cost of childcare as their responsibility too. I find this bizarre in any decade.

Karigan1 · 15/02/2018 11:01

Meh it benefits you both. I would can my pride and deal with it.