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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To thin DH can sort out childcare on his own?

75 replies

Inadither · 11/02/2018 23:13

Feeling like a bit of a cow bag. DH is away a lot at weekends. Mostly work related. This leaves me to juggle childcare, attendance at parties, lift shares etc on my own. I am for once away myself this weekend and it just happens that some of his family are coming up to stay. He has decided to take them out for the day to somewhere not child friendly. I have given him some ideas of who to ask (some of our children’s friends mums, who I also am friends with) to babysit for the day. He wants me to ask them for him. I’ve told him it makes more sense for him to do it as he knows timings. He still wants me to do it ‘pleease’. Aibu to leave him to sort it. His work is an extra thing at weekends that he does because he enjoys it (with the added bonus of extra money).

OP posts:
fairypuff · 11/02/2018 23:15

He needs the favour so it's his responsibility to sort out the childcare. It enrages me when my dh pulls this one!!! You're a grown man, do it yourself!!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/02/2018 23:15

He should do it. Given that he’s so often in Work on weekends why doesn’t he want to spend this one with his children?

Original poster
Inadither · 11/02/2018 23:24

His family are keen on a particular sport and he doesn’t see them much, so wants to treat them. They can be awkward to entertain so I understand why he wants to take them. The kids would get bored. He’s away 1.5 -2 weekends a month on average so it’s not as if he doesn’t see the kids at all. It’s riling me too. Can’t you sort this one out yourself?!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 11/02/2018 23:37

So he'll spend one weekend with his children this month? So him and his family can indulge themselves. And he expects you to arrange the palming off of these inconvenient children onto people who would probably prefer not to look after your children at the weekend.

This is so so wrong.

Original poster
Inadither · 11/02/2018 23:54

This month is a better month. He’s only away for one weekend but as I say, on average he’s away for 2 nights a month or 2-3 days. It always seems to fall on a party day so I end up either taking the small one along and paying for her to attend the soft play venue, juggling to swap children and lifts or worst case scenario asking if I can drag the other child along too, so they don’t miss out. There’s other people in similar boats or happy for me to have their kids to play so having no family support here I have built up a small network of friends who I know will help out if they can. I had a friends daughter for a sleepover a few months ago, so it’s her I suggested him asking.
I’m not trying to drip feed but the family trip to visit us was planned (and this day out) before we knew I was going away for a family get together. We can’t all afford to go as it involves flights, so he’s staying behind with the kids with his family still visiting. I’ll see them for a day when I get back and he is supporting the idea of me going. I guess, had he/we thought it through, I would probably have remained at home looking after the kids while he went out with his family for the day.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/02/2018 00:00

Of course he can sort It. Yes you have built up a network but you bloody well didn’t have them at the start and you have passed on their contacts so he has it easy! You need to draw the line- make sure you say had better show his appreciation the next weekend he is away as well. THe first time I was away with work after going back from maternity I saw it was parent Nursery staff night at Nursery. I did exactly what dh would do if he was away that date - ignored it. We got an email from them because of course neither of us attended and I ripped dh a new one about he needed to be able to share parenting for the next 20 years and missing this stuff was not acceptable nor was it my job. ( Next parent night he signed us up for a slot as soon as the notice appeared)

GreenTulips · 12/02/2018 00:09

Don't his family want to see the kids?

He needs to sort it or hire a professional babysitter

Butterymuffin · 12/02/2018 00:16

Also surprised his family don't want to see more of the kids while there. Can't they suck up going to soft play or the park like other grandparents?

Original poster
Inadither · 12/02/2018 00:20

Yes I’m sure they do want to see the kids but they’re not that involved or overtly interested in them due to distance, health issues a because that’s just how they are. Tbh, I don’t speak to them much as he tends to phone them when he’s away or traveling somewhere so he’s arranged the weekend himself with them. No fall out or anything, that’s just how it seems to work.

OP posts:
AdultHumanFemale · 12/02/2018 00:39

He ought to sort it out himself, but like my DP is trying to pull a fast one. Last time DP went away to indulge his hobby (at a time of the week when he would normally be in charge of school pick-ups and drop-offs) he pleaded with me to 'use my network' to get cover my mum friends sorted, as it would be so much easier for me. 'Sure', I said, booked them in with breakfast club and after school club, and billed him when he came back Grin
That 'network' hasn't magically made itself, but is the result of years of actively seeking and maintaining connections with the DCs' friends' mums (mainly) and isn't some sort of 'bank' of childcare favours.
I was at a big children's birthday party at a church hall this morning, the 'staying' kind as DD2 is still little, and it was so noticable when I looked around; a handful of dads sitting on their own playing on their phones, while the mums were all interacting with each other, with their own and each other's children, doing the work of keeping connected.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/02/2018 00:50

He's a grown man, he needs to sort it or change his plans.

Can you sort it pleeeeeeeease?
No, its your weekend and I have enough to do.
Can you sort it pleeeeeeease?
No, its your weekend and i have enough to do

llangennith · 12/02/2018 00:56

Do what’s best for your DC. It’s not about point scoring with your DH.

flumpybear · 12/02/2018 00:57

Blimey I'd be telling him to sort something child friendly out rather than f-off with family and dump the kids on friends - also as a mum I'd be a bit pissed odd to be asked to look after somebody else's children all day at the weekend - perhaps a few hours but not all day

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2018 03:20

It's time for daddy to jump into the deep end. He's a grown man. He's their FATHER. If he can't sort things for himself, there is a HUGE problem.

BusyBeez99 · 12/02/2018 03:47

I don't agree and think YABU. You are a team - why does everyone think he should just have to sort it out alone when you quite clearly could sort it very quickly. It seems that people constantly want to test their DH/P to get them to prove they are a worthwhile father. Just organise it yourself and go off and have a great weekend.

DoublyTroubly · 12/02/2018 04:08

I also think YANU if you are expecting him to contact someone that he doesn’t normally speak to / text and ask for a favour. If they are more your friend or if you’re the one that normally contacts them then it would be awkward for both of them. It’s hardly like it’s any work for you

cantsleepclownwilleatme · 12/02/2018 04:29

You're married to a man child. Why did he want kids if he spends no time with them? Is the money he earns on the weekends make or break for you?
If you don't really need the money then I'd be telling him he needs to be home on the weekends much much more. Not organising babysitting is an indicator of a much bigger problem - that your husband doesn't feel he is responsible for the children he helped create.

Skittlesandbeer · 12/02/2018 04:42

He understands how these ‘other parent connections’ work, right? If you lean on the network, the other party can rightly expect reciprocation. Is he going to be around when that call comes? Will it be him manning the craft station, baking healthy treats and driving them around?

Thought not.

NotTheFordType · 12/02/2018 04:46

Has he ever met the person you've suggested for childcare?

TBH since you've disrupted the original plans (by deciding to go away after his family were already planned to visit) I'm leaning towards it being your responsibility to sort.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/02/2018 05:17

I can totally see why he wants you to do it. It will be easier for you because you’ve already done most of the work in introducing yourself to people, getting to know them, making small talk and swapping favours. But really this is exactly why he needs to do this and ought to do more of it for the weekends he’s not around. Otherwise it’s always going to be your job. Far better that both adults in the family are linked in to their childrens’ local support network and that means he needs to some of the emotional work of building that network. He should arrange some play dates that he hosts for weekends he is home to.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2018 05:29

He wants you to be his secretary.

Don't be his secretary.

He can call and tell your contacts he is Inadither's husband. Easy.

That 'network' hasn't magically made itself, but is the result of years of actively seeking and maintaining connections with the DCs' friends' mums (mainly) and isn't some sort of 'bank' of childcare favours.
YESSS!
Tell him he is reaping what he has sowed. Or not sowed.
And now it is time for him to start working on this weekend parenting logistics lark.

He is floundering right now because he has not had to think about this aspect of your family's life.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2018 05:31

It's not even emotional work. It's what men do all the time at conferences, trade shows and whatnot.

When it's networking for the purposes of lifts for children to parties or sports, it's suddenly beneath them.

Aftereights91 · 12/02/2018 06:40

Everyone's slating ops husband for being away at weekends and saying he's not spending enough time with the children, but where has op said anything about him working in the week too? For all we know he's at home all week and only works some weekends

MyBoysAndI · 12/02/2018 06:49

This was the one of many thing's that used to really piss me off about STBXH.

I had to always sort everything when he was away as otherwise I'd be left in the shit.

Your situation is different though. I'd like to say tell him to sort it himself but realistically l know l'd end up doing it.

I never actually minded sorting stuff out but it was the fact that l was expected to do it and he had no appreciation when l did

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/02/2018 07:16

If you’re going away for a family get together, why aren’t you taking the kids?

He was ‘away’ first this weekend, now you’re going away, I can’t see why childcare is his issue to sort out?

If it’s paid childcare anyone can sort it out, if it’s friends then the person with the friendship asks for the favour...it just makes sense.

Sort it out, then have a talk to him about how ‘put upon’ you’re feeling & what you expect him to do about it.