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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To thin DH can sort out childcare on his own?

75 replies

Inadither · 11/02/2018 23:13

Feeling like a bit of a cow bag. DH is away a lot at weekends. Mostly work related. This leaves me to juggle childcare, attendance at parties, lift shares etc on my own. I am for once away myself this weekend and it just happens that some of his family are coming up to stay. He has decided to take them out for the day to somewhere not child friendly. I have given him some ideas of who to ask (some of our children’s friends mums, who I also am friends with) to babysit for the day. He wants me to ask them for him. I’ve told him it makes more sense for him to do it as he knows timings. He still wants me to do it ‘pleease’. Aibu to leave him to sort it. His work is an extra thing at weekends that he does because he enjoys it (with the added bonus of extra money).

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2018 11:32

If I were the op I’d say I want one weekend away in 5 years (as its that long since the last one). I don’t care if it was organised after, I don’t care if your family are here and I sure don’t understand why you and your family can’t spend time with your own children. I’d expect my going away once in 5 years to be something my dh could prioritise not huff about childcare for. Totally not my problem.

pigeondujour · 12/02/2018 17:09

I don't think either of you should be asking your friends to do this. It's a cheeky request and you don't want to damage goodwill you've spent time building up for no good reason.

JsOtherHalf · 12/02/2018 17:43

DH's BIL had to ring us to ask for an overnight babysitter once.
It was an interesting conversation as his wife had refused point blank to call us as it was his change of plans that meant we were needed.

5 hour round trip for us, and he had to get spare room ready, etc.

He never did it again.

My SIL rocks .

mathanxiety · 12/02/2018 20:19

How long has he known your weekend plans?

Did he make the arrangements with his family after your plans were made known to him?

mathanxiety · 12/02/2018 20:21

It seems to me he has got very used to farming out childcare if he thinks asking friends to take them on a weekend is reasonable.

Vibe2018 · 13/02/2018 00:38

You should ask them as they are your friends. It would be awkward for him asking people he's not close to for a favour.

My DH often has to work weekends and it can be a pain - but we are a team and try to help each other out when we can. Its not about trying to make everything completely equal fair - its about give and take.

Leftfilange · 13/02/2018 01:35

Introvert here who manages just fine to cultivate relationships with other Mums, because that’s what we do. Is it exhausting? Yep, at times. But I do it for my kids and to have that network of people. There are plenty times I’m screaming on the inside for peace and quiet but I have little Joey for a few hours while his Mum runs an errand, just as she had my kid the week before so I could run my errands/get to the dentist/dr etc.
I wouldn’t agree to babysit for a parent who was just away for a jolly - that’s not what the network is for imho.
I also think that by making dh sort this out he might just realise how much work goes into sorting out weekends when he’s at work. He might actually stop taking on extra (I’m guessing from what you’ve said you don’t need the extra cash, but it’s nice) and spend more time with his family/give you a break that doesn’t take another 5 years to come about.
Be strong with this one!

Justturned50 · 13/02/2018 07:21

What vibe28 said 😊

Original poster

Inadither · 13/02/2018 08:49

This weekend has been in the pipeline for a few months, so probably as long as he’d arranged for family to visit although neither of us had twigged the clash of dates. I’ve spoken to him and he’s going to take the kids with him rather than ask friends for favours. They’ll be bored I expect but it won’t kill them and he’ll have to manage that. His decision. Just got the dog to sort out now!

OP posts:

Original poster

Inadither · 13/02/2018 08:49

Only recently booked the flights though.

OP posts:

Jammycustard · 13/02/2018 08:52

Good!

Inertia · 13/02/2018 09:19

Your dog and your responsibility, or family dog hence joint responsibility?

(Can the dog go along too, and amuse the children ?)

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2018 16:47

So he’s decided to actually parent? Good solution!

Original poster

Inadither · 13/02/2018 19:12

Very definitely ‘my dog’.

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 13/02/2018 19:20

Why doesn't he just organise an activity that everyone can enjoy including the children?

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/02/2018 19:20

He'd rather the kids were bored than take on the effort of developing relationships with their friends' parents? Sorts things out for the one weekend, but still leaves you as the kids' only social organizer.

timeisnotaline · 13/02/2018 20:51

To be fair boom it’s really pretty rude to ask anyone to look after them as a favour because it doesn’t suit him to parent them.

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/02/2018 21:20

timeis that really depends on the local situation. There are plenty of areas where parents swap having kids round a lot because it makes for inexpensive childcare for the parents of the child being hosted and a good distraction for the child playing host. Win-win, so long as it's reciprocated, I've lived in three different places with my nearly 10-year-olds and I've developed those kinds of networks in all of them. The OP indicated that this is the sort of network they have. Nothing rude about it.

timeisnotaline · 14/02/2018 00:06

boom I very much doubt that the ops husband is going to arrange a reciprocal play date. He would effectively be creating a debt for the op to pay. Just so he can hang out with his family child free on the one weekend in 5 years his wife is away, while he is away regularly.

mathanxiety · 14/02/2018 00:15

Not only rude, but also the OP is the one who would end up returning the favour one weekend when her H is off on business.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/02/2018 04:09

Or he could "repay" it one weekend when he's home (which was something I mentioned he ought to be doing earlier). At least with the playdate route, the kids will have a better time. As it is He's still going to hang out with his family doing what they all like and the kids don't, but dragging the kids with him because he can't bring himself to pick up the phone and get involved in his kids' social life.

emmyrose2000 · 14/02/2018 04:45

Why doesn't he just organise an activity that everyone can enjoy including the children?

That just sounds way too sensible.....

Original poster

Inadither · 14/02/2018 23:38

Tickets were already bought, so he pretty much had to go. He’s done a U turn and asked my friend if she would like to have them to play. She’s said she would. He’s given the kids the choice of what they want to do for the day and they’ve gone for the play date which I think they’ll be happier with. I’ve sorted the dog out. His family are quite old fashioned, lovely, non interfering but quite self absorbed due to health problems and also not being quite aware of how most people live because they live an isolated life and he wants to treat them with something they’ll enjoy.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2018 08:45

Ok so the weekend is sorted. Maybe you should think about making sure he has a day pretty much on his own with his children in the near future though , and involve him in a weekend play date where you look after someone else’s child to understand the reciprocal parents-who-are-friends childcare model.

RedSkyAtNight · 15/02/2018 09:01

Ok so see you are sorted now. But just wanted to say that if the people are your friends it makes more sense for you to ask.

From the other side, I don't want my friends passing my phone number on to their OHs so I get random phone calls from strangers.

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