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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To thin DH can sort out childcare on his own?

75 replies

Inadither · 11/02/2018 23:13

Feeling like a bit of a cow bag. DH is away a lot at weekends. Mostly work related. This leaves me to juggle childcare, attendance at parties, lift shares etc on my own. I am for once away myself this weekend and it just happens that some of his family are coming up to stay. He has decided to take them out for the day to somewhere not child friendly. I have given him some ideas of who to ask (some of our children’s friends mums, who I also am friends with) to babysit for the day. He wants me to ask them for him. I’ve told him it makes more sense for him to do it as he knows timings. He still wants me to do it ‘pleease’. Aibu to leave him to sort it. His work is an extra thing at weekends that he does because he enjoys it (with the added bonus of extra money).

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 12/02/2018 07:21

Although I absolutely agree with you (and most PP) in principle, your plans were made last (if I understand your subsequent post correctly), so I think it's only fair for you to sort it. Although, if the event for his family was booked after you made your arrangements, that makes it his responsibility again, IMO. (And tbh I think it's a bit pathetic of his family to need 'entertaining' with events rather than seeing the whole family, including the dc).

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 07:22

She's already explained why she's not taking the kids - too expensive.

Absolutely this is his issue to sort out. He's the one staying at home he's simply choosing to go out. I think he's just doing it to avoid childcare. His parents sound about as child-centered as he is.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 12/02/2018 07:24

Tell him you will be away and don't want to find yourself responsible for anything that might need sorting out at the last minute or feeling anxious about it while you are supposed to be enjoying a break so it's better if he's responsible for the whole shebang.

If he pushes back just say you aren't getting

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 07:25

When the plans were made is not relevant.

She's going away, he's the one staying at home with the children. If he wants to go out with his family rather than doing something together with this own kids, he organises it. Of course he does.

mumonashoestring · 12/02/2018 07:27

You could always give him a choice - you'll sort childcare while you're away if he does it while he's away...

Jammycustard · 12/02/2018 07:30

He should change what he’s doing with his family. Problem solved.

whiteroseredrose · 12/02/2018 07:43

I get what you mean about him needing to take some responsibility but in our house, if it was my friend, I'd do the asking. Not sure they'd say yes to covering for a jolly though. It tended to be more for kid, school or work related stuff. Possibly, assuming it's only for a few hours, not all day.

Justturned50 · 12/02/2018 07:54

Personally I'd want to make sure my kids were happy while I'm away and settled with the right friends. They're used to dad not being there but what about mum? Are you worried you won't be able to sort something?

Beetlejizz · 12/02/2018 08:14

Everyone's slating ops husband for being away at weekends and saying he's not spending enough time with the children, but where has op said anything about him working in the week too? For all we know he's at home all week and only works some weekends

OP refers to his work at weekend as 'extra', so that seems unlikely.

Though if he were around in the week, he ought to have more of a network himself, so that would be pretty effing cheeky of him to ask. Since the only argument for OP doing it instead is her knowing the other families around more.

timeisnotaline · 12/02/2018 08:15

I’d be fairly unimpressed being asked to do childcare basically because a guy didn’t want to spend a rare weekend at home with his children. Women I know save these requests for when needed to make the work school children necessary life appts eg medical work, and value the favour done. He just thinks he shouldn’t have to worry about his kids, that’s not his job.

budgiegirl · 12/02/2018 08:26

If it’s paid childcare anyone can sort it out, if it’s friends then the person with the friendship asks for the favour...it just makes sense

I agree with this. Why do people get so defensive about sorting childcare? Can’t adults just be kind to each other, and help when they can, instead of sayong “it’s your problem”

TBH, if a friends husband, who I didn’t really know, phoned me to ask a favour, I’d think it was a bit odd that my friend didn’t phone.

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 08:29

I agree with timeisnotaline that asking a friend to babysit for a whole day just because DH fancies some child free time is off.

I can see why OP would not want to call in a favour for a non emergency, quite apart from the fact that DH is an adult can sort out his own life.

greenbeansqueen · 12/02/2018 08:32

YANBU - I would have him do it, good practice for him next time and will help him get to know the other parents. And if you’re feeling guilty about this then read an article about the ‘mental load’ that should put hints in perspective!
Posters on here saying you need to think of the children and not ‘point score’ are missing the point entirely!
www.abc.net.au/news/health/2017-09-14/the-mental-load-and-what-to-do-about-it/8942032

hettie · 12/02/2018 08:39

budgie is not about getting defensive re sorting childcare, it is about the workload. On the dates that DH is due to be picking up kids/ responsible for having them (because I'm working/away) he is responsible (and therefore responsible for sorting childcare if he can't). Otherwise the burden of that task is all mine. I would have to have access and keep track of his work diary and do the juggling/returning favours or booking of paid care. I didnt sign up to wifework, we are a team they are our children and we are both responsible for taking care of them. The reverse is of course true, when I'm 'on duty' but need cover I'm responsible...

grasspigeons · 12/02/2018 08:40

I would set up a WhatsApp or similar with your DH and the possible childcare and say ' hi guys this is my DH he needs some help with childcare on x - i'll leave you all to sort it amongst yourselves as he has the timings'

budgiegirl · 12/02/2018 08:56

we are a team they are our children and we are both responsible for taking care of them

I agree they should be a team, but on this occasion it doesn’t sound like they are acting like one. It absolutely makes sense IMO for the OP to call her friends to ask a favour.

I do understand a bit where the OP is coming from, and I suppose for me, it would depend how helpful her DH is in other situations, does he pull his weight in other areas? Is he generally a kind man, and helpful (just not with childcare)? If so, I’d do this for him. If not, I can understand how the OP might feel.

Beetlejizz · 12/02/2018 08:57

Erm, I definitely wouldn't use that wording. Sounds like you're basically expecting them to do it rather than asking! I'd be pretty pissed off to receive a message like that. Not that I'd be too keen to do childcare favours at the weekend for non-family anyway, especially not when there's a parent around. But that wording would make it a big fat no.

RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 08:59

I wouldn't call in a major favour from a friend because my husband couldn't be arsed to look after the children. Why should the OP be put in that position? If he wants a favour he can ask for it himself.

grasspigeons · 12/02/2018 09:33

lol - I wouldn't expect someone to use the exact wording I suggested! I was just trying to convey the idea of making an introduction so it could progress.

Original poster
Inadither · 12/02/2018 09:35

No. The children are not used to me being away (neither is he), so I suppose he’s not used to sorting this kind of thing out. Its only the second time I’ve been away in 5 years. It’s more the feeling that I borrow and give out favours for the weekends to work and now it’s myturn to be away, I’m sorting it out too. During the week he does his fair share of childcare and is a fairly hands on dad now. He’s even gone part time in the week to look after our youngest a day a week. They tend to have days out where as you’re right, I go to friends houses for them to play. Nurturing friendships and helping each other out. He’s an introvert, so finds it uncomfortable. I sort of think on this one that he does need to push himself out there though or change his plans.

OP posts:
Rumpledfaceskin · 12/02/2018 09:38

I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking friends to have my kids at the weekend anyway unless it was emergency, surely that’s family time? It just seems odd for him to arrange a family day out without them and expect your friends with their own busy lives to look after your kids on their day off.

Original poster
Inadither · 12/02/2018 09:38

Or have people here to play I might add! It’s not all one way, I’m very conscious of not trying to take the mick out of people’s generosity.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 12/02/2018 09:58

I agree Rumpled

greenbeansqueen · 12/02/2018 09:58

I would have him sort it. He can ask, if no-one can help then they won’t. But given that you’re hardly ever away on a weekend, maybe he could re-arrange his family plans to accommodate his children? Seems like special circs to me... I’d also try and get the time you both have to yourself without kids on a more even keel. This really shouldn’t be a big deal. My DP would go sort out the kids if I was away and she wanted to do something without them. No Q’s asked. And, for mostly work reasons, I do more of the family/kids organising as you seem to.

budgiegirl · 12/02/2018 10:34

He’s an introvert, so finds it uncomfortable

IMO, that’s even more reason for you to call your friends instead of him. Would he help you out with something you felt uncomfortable with? Surely that’s what caring partners do for each other?