Aibu - just had an argument with bf

[Tinkofhousepan]

Hi all, this is quite personal (and it's gonna be really long as ive got a lot to get off my chest so Sorry in advance), but I really need some impartial advice. I'm really confused and I genuinely don't know where to go from here or even if i should try to fix this. I am posting this in AIBU instead of relationships because people tend to give blunter answers - and that is what I need!

Been with BF for a while, we don't live together, but I stay at his every other night (he lives on his own, I am with parents saving for the seemingly impossible to obtain mortgage - this is relevant).

I have to commute for about 45 mins each way to work, whereas he works locally to where we both live, practically in the town centre and 5 mins walk from the pub. He goes to the pub every afternoon after he finishes work at 4. I work weird shift patterns so some weeks I finish at 5 and others I could finish as late as 8pm if we are running to time, sometimes we can still be there at gone 9 if something takes longer than expected or if we have a walk in emergency that can't wait.

On my early days when I get to our hometown at around 6 he is fine, and he genuinely is the loveliest most caring partner that I've ever had and I just want to be around him all the time because he makes me genuinely happy and I am in love with him, and I feel his love back.

He cooks for me, gets me tea/hot water bottles without me asking for them (just because I look like I need one), runs me baths, doesn't pester me for sex if he can see I've had a bad/stressful day or if I'm just exhausted. But our sex life is great, he has really embraced some of my more wacky desires and does it really well!

He texts me throughout the day taking a genuine interest in how its going, tells me several times a day that he loves/misses me. He is so attentive and makes me feel really special and loved throughout my work day - all great.

The problem is on my late weeks where he could end up being in the pub from 4pm - 9pm, and when I meet up with him he is obviously pretty drunk but still ok to be around, if a little belligerent and opinionated.

It's when I'm not going home with him on those occasions he goes really paranoid and starts a row over nothing. He will accuse me of getting up to no good and says he 'knows what I'm up to' but will not elaborate any further.

The other day i text him to ask if he was still in the pub so I could see him briefly and get a cuddle and a kiss on the way home, and he accused me of checking up on him to find out his wherabouts so I could meet someone else without worrying about bumping into him . I have never done this so I don't know where he got that idea from.

He gets quite hurtful and once he has this idea in his head, nothing will change his mind, not even if i take a picture of me sat in the living room or on my bed.

This happens on a fairly regular basis (3 times this week, latest one being tonight) literally over an non issue!

Tonight's was he was out with the boys, it got to midnight, I asked if he was coming over and he went all funny and passive aggressive saying that I had said I would stay at his tonight and calling me a liar etc.

When I relayed the conversation that we had had yesterday about where I was staying tonight and that he was welcome to stay over, and in the morning I'd make him a hangover breakfast feed the cats and then we would go to his for a 'fun' day (parents are away this weekend so have to be here to feed the cats -which he knows!!!!).

He started again accusing me of lying to him, and insisting that I had said nothing of the sort yesterday. He blew his top and went super cold on me when I screen shot and sent him the conversation where it showed i had said that i was home tonight and him saying that he remembered and that he might come over if he wasnt too drunk.

It sent him into a spin of him then asking me questions about my evening , what did i do? (ate fajhitas, had a bath and some wine and was chilling in bed watching the hobbit when this all kicked off) which pub did i go to? (Didn't go to any pub) who did I meet up with? (The freaking tooth fairy came round and we did a ouija board obviously) which are his way of trying to trip me up and catch me in a lie, so he can feel vindicated that he was justified in starting this whole pointless argument when he sobers up tomorrow.

It's really draining, and I am not happy for this behaviour to continue. The next day he is full of apologies etc, but I am now quite frankly fed up of this.

He is lovely in so many ways, but I can't help feeling that this is just something he does, and won't change or even try to change, and I don't want to deal with that any more.

What should I do?

Thanks for reading, it felt good just writing it all down.

Surely the issue is that he is a nightmare when drunk and he is getting drunk far too often? Going to the pub at 4pm every day is excessive- no? You have my sympathies op, he sounds like a lovely guy bar the drinking problem and that's not an easy fix, for me it would be a case of - 'You're a twat when drunk, please cut down on the drinking' if that's not a possibility, I'd be out the door I'm afraid. Good luck.

Dump him. Find a man, who isn’t a nasty, jealous and unreliable alcoholic. If you want sometime in the future to settle down and have children, this man would be a terrible.

What do you do when he’s full of apologies normally?

Totally agree that the daily drinking and drinking to get drunk just because you’re not there, 3 days a week, is a concern.

Texting you several times a day to tell you he loves and misses you seems a bit full on to me and was making me think he was a bit over the top possessive.
Then I read the bit about him being a paranoid asshole.
I would get rid if i were you. Before you have a mortgage or children together.

Sober - he sounds possessive and clingy and needy.

Drunk - he sounds aggressively all of the above. And nasty.

Either way you can't move in with him or vice versa because ultimately the relationship is going no where long term.

Getting drunk that often is very excessive, surely all these hangovers effect his work the next day?
How old are you both OP?
He doesn't sound like a reliable person and apologising for behaviour he repeats the next day is just an empty apology. He clearly knows he can just get away with it as you have, I assume, forgiven him each time.
I agree about the 'lots of I miss you texts' in the day too, seems a big possessive.
Do you know if he's been cheated on before? Maybe this is why he's so untrusting (not that that justifies his behaviour).
I also wouldn't have him pegged as a reliable person to settle down with, especially if you want kids.

Apologies that it’s happened to you but...

He sounds manipulative and needy.

I had someone like this once and it was like stepping on eggshells when they were drunk etc

Leave him and you’ll be much happier

There are other men who will be kind to you and not get too frequently (boardering problem drinking) every day

He's an alcoholic OP.

Also..not pestering you for sex isn't a plus....it's THE NORM and to be expected.

I would not stay with an alcoholic if I were you.

'Not pestering' you for sex when you're tired does not make him a good bf! Raise your standards. If he's in the pub everyday and this is happening multiple times a week, you need to move on. Apologies are meaningless if he's not doing anything to change this pattern of behaviour.

Dump him OP. Do it while its easy. No kids, no financial ties. He's a paranoid jealous loser with a serious alcohol problem. In the pub at 4 every day? His poor liver and wallet.

Tink, I'm sorry to have to say but I don't think this will end well
His behaviour is very controlling, even the apparent nice bits ' txting throughout the day' is just an element of him trying to keep tabs on you. He has addictive behaviours, becomes belligerent and insulting when things don't go his way and forces you to defend yourself to subdue his paranoid fears. This has a lot of the hallmarks of the beginnings of an abusive relationship.
Things will most likely go down hill once your more tied into him with a home and children. For your sake you should call a halt now; letting this go on in the long term will only damaged your own mental health and no partnership is worth that, ever!
I know its easier said than done to walk away from someone who appears to have so many positives but....the longer you condone it the worse the negatives will get and the more damaged you'll become. Be strong for you-you're worth it

You’re spending half of your week placating a paranoid drink. Ugh.

Texting you several times a day to tell you that he misses you is weird, it might seem sweet, but it’s more an indicator on of his incapability to have an adult relationship .

I’m with everyone who thinks that you might think about leaving this relationship. It doesn’t sound like it’ll do you any good in the long term. He sounds like the sort that will end up isolating you from your friends, and making you spend your time trying not to upset him over something that’s not even real. You deserve better.

He is an alcoholic. Turning things on you is common with this as it makes it looks like your fault and gives me reason to drink more. But thats not your problem. You DO NOT want to spend your life with an alcoholic. Do not go into denial. You sound levelheaded and together. Get a guy who matches this as he will only get worse. How many young men do you know who go to the pub at 4pm.? What about sport? Other activties? Did your father live like that or your brothers? I would say not.
Please finish with this guy. You will be sad for a while but look back at a lucky escape.
Use tonights carry on to tell him its over and don't let him sweet talk you into changing your mind.

It sent him into a spin of him then asking me questions about my evening , what did i do? (ate fajhitas, had a bath and some wine and was chilling in bed watching the hobbit when this all kicked off) which pub did i go to? (Didn't go to any pub) who did I meet up with? (The freaking tooth fairy came round and we did a ouija board obviously) which are his way of trying to trip me up and catch me in a lie, so he can feel vindicated that he was justified in starting this whole pointless argument when he sobers up tomorrow.

Jesus.

You have decided you don't want this. You can't change his behaviour and actions (I'd be surprised if even he can re the drink: it's not normal or remotely healthy to drink so often as your normal routine to that extent so I wonder if there's an addiction there) so your only option is to end the relationship.

He has a drinking problem (he drinks and it causes problems), he doesn't trust you or respect you. The nice loving attention when sober isn't worth much when he's such a cock drunk and drunk so often.

The second time a guy went off on one and accused me of cheating or trying to cheat when I've never been unfaithful or dishonest in a relationship in my entire life would be the end. I'd be willing to see if once was some freak occurrence but I refuse to be with a man who doesn't trust me.

Raise your standards lovely!

It's all about the drink I am afraid- he is on the way to spoiling his life because of it. Ask him to not drink anymore , (means you need to stop too) and see if he wants to/ can - if the alcohol is more important to him than a better relationship then he is indeed an alcoholic and his real relationship is with drink, not you.

He sounds very possessive and jealous
Alcohol clearly makes him paranoid
I think you should end the relationship

All the things you see as plusses would have me running for the hills OP

He is an alcoholic. This is what alcoholism looks like. It isn’t just sitting on park benches swigging cider, it’s EXACTLY what your boyfriend is doing - drinking in a disordered way, excessively and regularly and this is exactly how alcoholism affects families. It drives everyone mad.

He needs some really serious help and you need to get to Al-Anon.

He blew his top and went super cold on me when I screen shot and sent him the conversation where it showed i had said that i was home tonight and him saying that he remembered and that he might come over if he wasnt too drunk.

He's attempting to condition you into not challenging him or calling him out on his shit. When you do rightly say 'no. What you're saying isn't right. Here's proof' he goes cold to remove his affection and contact. He's hoping that you'll be so bothered by falling out of his favour you won't risk it in the future by challenging him.

It's simple conditioning. A psychological process. Like Pavlov's dogs. Or my ex who'd hate any other man seeing my body, even a doctor or going swimming. He'd say 'I would never tell you what to do. I don't care. I'm not controlling. Do what feels right to you. You make your own decisions' and then if I ever did wear a skirt. Or a low cut top. Or go out with my friends in a dress not jeans. Or see a male doctor. Or want to go for a spa day in my bikini. He'd go so cold and distant it made me anxious and upset wanting to right things again. So I quickly started imposing these rules on myself so I never upset him as I wanted his love and affection. It's mental. I was 18-22.

I also reckon he has a very guilty conscience. Cheaters often accuse. Sometimes to deflect attention. Sometimes cos they know from their actions how easily they can be unfaithful so they see it in everyone else.

He’s just as possessive when he’s sober he just hides it better than when he’s drunk. And when he’s drunk- Jesus wept it sounds horrendous. Nasty, paranoid, quizzing you like the gestapo, trying to trip you up to make you the bad guy....

Get rid of him. You can do so much better than this.

Ask him to not drink anymore , (means you need to stop too) and see if he wants to/ can - if the alcohol is more important to him than a better relationship then he is indeed an alcoholic and his real relationship is with drink, not you.

I respectfully disagree. It's not for OP to change her own normal drinking to try and incentivise her boyfriend into quitting alcohol. Only he can do that. If he wants to then sure, be supportive and don't drink around him. But she absolutely shouldn't be falling over backwards to try and get him to stop drinking. That way madness lies (ask me how I know). It's his decision.

I don't even think the key to all this is just that he has a drink problem. I think a big part is that when he's disinhibited his true feelings about OP and relationships and fidelity and trust all come seeping out.

You're seeing the real him when he drinks. Yes the real him is also the sober daytime version. But the drunk version is equally who he is. And he doesn't respect you. He thinks you're his possession to guard.

How do you feel about breaking up OP? You sound at the end of your tether!

I'd say he has a problem with drink and that it brings out who he really is.

I suspect if you ever move in together the nice side of him will fall away completely, and very quickly.

OP this sounds like almost text book Domestic abuse. Perfect in every way except for.....?
One day he will hit you during these needy episodes and will be full of apologies and promises never to do it again. You will forgive him of course because you 'genuinely' love each other. And before you know it, you'll have quit your job for a more menial one to be nearer to him (obviously because you love each other SO much you can't bear to be apart for so long every day), you will lose all your friends (because he will say you don't need them, they're bad for you etc., only because he loves you mind) and probably your family for the same reasons.
Men do not suddenly hit their partners, they start off playing mind games just like this, make you feel you're the problem and chip away at your self esteem til there's none left.

Please get out now, before you go too far down this path.