Aibu - just had an argument with bf

[Tinkofhousepan]

Hi all, this is quite personal (and it's gonna be really long as ive got a lot to get off my chest so Sorry in advance), but I really need some impartial advice. I'm really confused and I genuinely don't know where to go from here or even if i should try to fix this. I am posting this in AIBU instead of relationships because people tend to give blunter answers - and that is what I need!

Been with BF for a while, we don't live together, but I stay at his every other night (he lives on his own, I am with parents saving for the seemingly impossible to obtain mortgage - this is relevant).

I have to commute for about 45 mins each way to work, whereas he works locally to where we both live, practically in the town centre and 5 mins walk from the pub. He goes to the pub every afternoon after he finishes work at 4. I work weird shift patterns so some weeks I finish at 5 and others I could finish as late as 8pm if we are running to time, sometimes we can still be there at gone 9 if something takes longer than expected or if we have a walk in emergency that can't wait.

On my early days when I get to our hometown at around 6 he is fine, and he genuinely is the loveliest most caring partner that I've ever had and I just want to be around him all the time because he makes me genuinely happy and I am in love with him, and I feel his love back.

He cooks for me, gets me tea/hot water bottles without me asking for them (just because I look like I need one), runs me baths, doesn't pester me for sex if he can see I've had a bad/stressful day or if I'm just exhausted. But our sex life is great, he has really embraced some of my more wacky desires and does it really well!

He texts me throughout the day taking a genuine interest in how its going, tells me several times a day that he loves/misses me. He is so attentive and makes me feel really special and loved throughout my work day - all great.

The problem is on my late weeks where he could end up being in the pub from 4pm - 9pm, and when I meet up with him he is obviously pretty drunk but still ok to be around, if a little belligerent and opinionated.

It's when I'm not going home with him on those occasions he goes really paranoid and starts a row over nothing. He will accuse me of getting up to no good and says he 'knows what I'm up to' but will not elaborate any further.

The other day i text him to ask if he was still in the pub so I could see him briefly and get a cuddle and a kiss on the way home, and he accused me of checking up on him to find out his wherabouts so I could meet someone else without worrying about bumping into him . I have never done this so I don't know where he got that idea from.

He gets quite hurtful and once he has this idea in his head, nothing will change his mind, not even if i take a picture of me sat in the living room or on my bed.

This happens on a fairly regular basis (3 times this week, latest one being tonight) literally over an non issue!

Tonight's was he was out with the boys, it got to midnight, I asked if he was coming over and he went all funny and passive aggressive saying that I had said I would stay at his tonight and calling me a liar etc.

When I relayed the conversation that we had had yesterday about where I was staying tonight and that he was welcome to stay over, and in the morning I'd make him a hangover breakfast feed the cats and then we would go to his for a 'fun' day (parents are away this weekend so have to be here to feed the cats -which he knows!!!!).

He started again accusing me of lying to him, and insisting that I had said nothing of the sort yesterday. He blew his top and went super cold on me when I screen shot and sent him the conversation where it showed i had said that i was home tonight and him saying that he remembered and that he might come over if he wasnt too drunk.

It sent him into a spin of him then asking me questions about my evening , what did i do? (ate fajhitas, had a bath and some wine and was chilling in bed watching the hobbit when this all kicked off) which pub did i go to? (Didn't go to any pub) who did I meet up with? (The freaking tooth fairy came round and we did a ouija board obviously) which are his way of trying to trip me up and catch me in a lie, so he can feel vindicated that he was justified in starting this whole pointless argument when he sobers up tomorrow.

It's really draining, and I am not happy for this behaviour to continue. The next day he is full of apologies etc, but I am now quite frankly fed up of this.

He is lovely in so many ways, but I can't help feeling that this is just something he does, and won't change or even try to change, and I don't want to deal with that any more.

What should I do?

Thanks for reading, it felt good just writing it all down.

When sober he sounds needy, when drinks he sounds like a nightmare. I don't think it's going to get any better OP.

He's an alcoholic OP

I agree. If he can't / won't face that fact and do something about it, the bad times will always be there and get worse.

Seriously OP, I would end this relationship now before you have any ties to him. If you move in together, it will get worse. I agree with others that he sounds possessive and doesn’t trust you. It is not up to you to have to prove where you have been or evidence your whereabouts. He should trust you and not be questioning you.

The fact that he apologises but then repeats the behaviour almost straightaway shows he is not really sorry and has no intention of addressing his problems. I think you’ll end up very unhappy if you stay with him.

He's got a jealousy problem and seems paranoid that you're cheating.

These are not good signs along with the excess alcohol consumption..which have a negative affect on him.

You could give him a final warning...that one more incident of this nature means the relationship is over...but tbh if you were my friend or DD....I'd say to walk away now.

Op, I know alcohol can change us all but the reality is we lose our inhibitions. Meaning with a few drinks inside us we are just more likely to be a truer firm of ourselves without the worry, self control we usual have to maintain a more acceptable level of behaviour. Not all of us have drunkennone night stands or become physically aggressive, abusive because it’s not in our nature. Some of just simply get silly or fall asleep.
I know you say that your boyfriend is really lovely without the alcohol but sometimes lovely can be a way of controlling. Sadly I was once stalked. It became really serious, anyway to cut along story short ended up in a refuge and participated in various courses. I learned that (although this is Not always the case) The bf, gf who seem pretty perfect right from the start, highly attentive, flowers gifts, surprises (just thought I’d surprise you by joining you on your work night out) texting regularly asking about your day (investigating poss) can all be signs of controlling behaviour. When mixed with alcohol the self control goes down and the true feelings become exposed and projected. Most sbusive partners are incredibly apologetic the next day, hence so many victims stick it out for so long.
Let’s say I’m wrong about your bf, and really he is an amazing guy, The with the thought of losing you, surely he will quit the drinking and put a stop to this pattern immediately. If you put up with it for much longer, you will find it becomes more frequent and worse. The saddest part of all is that there’s a danger you could actually get used to it.
You don’t express love for someone by controlling them, being abusive accusatory.
I really hope you find a resolve. Maybe he’s a great guy but his response to you will be very telling. If he says he understands but then soon after his behaviour returns or escslates, you have your answer. Remember you deserve better. X

He's an emotionally abusive bully with a controlling nature and a drink problem. No amount of good sex and meals cooked will ever compensate for that.
Open your eyes to your future if you stay with him. Have you been together long?

@littlemissbrainy I completely agree with you. Brill advice

I'm sorry to say he is an jealous controlling prick with a drunk problem who will wear down your self esteem until he can control you totally.

LTB

I agree with previous posters - it's not like drink flips a magic personality-change switch, it's more that it removes our inhibitions. This paranoia of his must be there all the time, it's only when he's drunk that he feels able to express it.

When sober he sounds needy, when drinks he sounds like a nightmare. I don't think it's going to get any better OP.

100% this. Plus accusing someone of cheating all the time usually means the accuser is cheating or thinking of...

Yep he's a nightmare, get rid. Agree with above poster - ime those who are most paranoid about being cheated on are cheats themselves...

Dump him. This will only get worse.

My ex could be like this. Lovely one minute then a sniff of alcohol he’d be suspicious and often gaslighting me. The constant flip flopping was exhausting and I had to end it. In your shoes I’d do the same, sorry x

Couldn’t be dealing with shit like this! I’d walk!

Hi guys, thank you so much for the responses and for getting to the end of my novel.

You are all right. I do believe that he has a dependency on alcohol, Maybe not on a huge life destroying scale, but it's definitely there.

I've had my own issues in the past with alcohol, which i have mostly put to bed (with the occasional tequila mishap which I firmly blame the cat for still) and i dont go out and drink to get hammered or use it as a way of dealing with life anymore. But even when i was at my worst I didn't go to the pub every day after work with my colleagues and have a few (4-5) pints. I would go to socialise on a Friday and Saturday and binge drink, but I recognised I had a problem, had counselling for it, and no longer feel the need to use it to make myself feel better.

I know everyone is right, and I know I have to end things before I get even more attached and do something stupid like move in with him. I just needed to hear outsiders opinions because I've been stewing on it all night and I began to maybe think I was in the wrong and should have just gone over when he suggested it on his way home and it would have avoided me feeling shit/furious all night and not sleeping at all because I can't stop thinking about how angry I am.

It really has pushed me to the end of my tether, and I really should have ended things months ago after the first time I was accused of having someone in my house because I 'never talk about or meet up with my friends anymore' which obviously means im seeing them in secret at night and he had 'proof' of this as he found an empty green filter wrapper on my living room table that wasn't his his were red.(it was mine! I had to go and get the packet with the rest of the green wrapped filters in it to prove it!).

Every time he goes all funny on me in person he gets this kicked puppy expression on his face and acts wounded and talks like he's really struggling to believe and trust me cause all he wants is to have a 'loving and trusting' relationship and he is really really trying to trust me but due to the 'sheer amount of deception and lies i have experienced so far it is hard, but im still here telling you i love you' direct quote from a text i got last week but he refuses to tell me how i have deceived him or lied to him, (i have always been totally up front with him and never lied to him).

This saga and the sad poor me act goes on until I have either proved my innocence or stroked his ego enough for him to stop acting like ive drowned my cats in front of him.

I really have had enough. Thank you for helping. And reading all my rantings.. I suspect I will be very sad in a few hours when my anger subsides and I have to say goodbye. Thanks for your support and being kind to me ❤

Walk away. If your life with him is like this now, it can only get worse. Move on.

Someone who.goes straight to the pub after work every night after work would be unlikely to be a good long term partner or supportive father in my opinion. I think you know you need to end it, it will be difficult and you will miss his good bits but you will be so much happier and better off in the long run. Try to get excited about a future where you don't have to put up with any of this shit.

In answer to a couple of questions asked, I am 26 and he is a few years older than me. The relationship is still in its infancy, under a year, but it was rather a whirlwind romance. Telling each other we loved one another pretty quick. Me getting keys to the flat etc.

Under a year? Bloody hell get rid straight away, when you said a while I assumed you meant a few years.

Do you have stuff at his house? If so arrange a time to go and just get it, tell him you're off and then block him from everything.

Isn't it really common for cheaters to accuse. Is there a possibility he is hooking up with people in the pub when he gets really drunk? Either way he doesn't sound like he is very nice.

I was in a similar relationship a long time ago. He'd spend all day in the pub. He told me his jealousy was just because he loved me so much. He didn't like me making plans without him. One night, when I had a really important exam the next morning, he just didn't come home one evening. Really out of character, didn't answer his phone. I was worried sick trying to find him all night. He eventually turned up at 4am very drunk. I told him he was selfish waking me up when I had an exam in the morning. He flew into a rage, pinned me down by my throat and bit my nose. I had to head-but him to get him off me and then he head butted me back.

The next day he broke down, said he panicked because he thought I was breaking up with him and he just loved me so much. In the mean time I discovered I was pregnant... I ended up giving it another chance for the babies sake. It didn't work out. He used to walk out of work early to go to the pub. Spend all our money in the pub. Refuse to get out of bed to go to work, punch walls. But he was just so adoring of our baby when sober I thought. He became violent again another time when I eventually threw him out, but I still have had to see the horrible man for the last 10 years because we share parenting. Please don't let your situation turn into mine.

You want blunt: he's an alcoholic. A controlling one at that. If this is the first year, when everything is meant to be sunshine and roses, then it's pretty much guaranteed to be downhill from here.

Sounds like you know all this though.

Yeah I have some bits and pieces there I was thinking of getting them when he is at work

all he wants is to have a 'loving and trusting' relationship and he is really really trying to trust me but due to the 'sheer amount of deception and lies i have experienced so far it is hard, but im still here telling you i love you' direct quote from a text i got last week

Poor little sausage.

This saga and the sad poor me act goes on until I have either proved my innocence or stroked his ego enough for him to stop acting like ive drowned my cats in front of him.

He's got you so well trained hasn't he! Not well enough though as you're here wising up and ending it! You're a smart cookie OP, I believe anyone can be susceptible to this kind of behaviour being tolerated. The best time to end it was a few months ago but the second best time is right now :)

He will try very very hard to keep you in his control when you end it btw so be prepared. Don't get into lengthy justifications or explanations. It's not working for you, you wish him the best, it's over. You need space so won't be in touch for a while. Please don't contact me.

Then block on social media. I'd say block his number on text which I usually do but he sounds unstable enough it's worth keeping him unblocked in case he gets threatening. If you trust yourself not to break down and reply!

I'm really happy for you, it's rare to see someone come on here with a problem like this, listen to the advice and make the right decision. Breath of fresh air, I'm so glad you'll be free of him. Keep yourself safe please, he doesn't sound like the sort to respect your boundaries. Remember a break up doesn't require his consent. It's a unilateral decision. The more you get dragged into back and forth justifying it the more messy it's gonna get.

Don't even bring up his behaciour keep it general. I'm not happy and it's not working for me. If you tell him it's due to his behaviour he will beg and promise to change, and has a point to argue then. But you can't argue with I'm unhappy this isn't working out I'm done. You can with 'we're over cos you do this'.

Come back for support when you need to, whatever happens?

I think you are doing the right thing ending it before you get in any deeper. You will be sad for a bit, but long-term you will be much, much happier. You have your whole life ahead of you and plenty of time to meet someone genuinely lovely. Good luck OP.