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AIBU?

Visitors after giving birth

67 replies

Ihatemarmite123 · 07/02/2018 22:00

I wondered what other people did about inviting people to see baby after they were born.
Did you invite people to the hospital?
Did they just turn up?
Did you invite people round once you were home?

This is my second baby, after my first who died I was bombarded. And in laws too great offence to us trying to limit visits.

We had no time alone with our first due to in laws demands...very over bearing, controlling and emotionally unstable.

I had a very bad tear, lots of stitches and lost a lot of blood so was pretty ill, I needed rest and couldn't get it, a few occasions I pretended to be asleep on the ward but they just sat next to the bed waiting and chatting away.

Dh and I want to have time for just the 3 of us in the hospital and after. Would we be setting ourselves up for more trouble if we say no to visitors for the first week?

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BewareOfDragons · 07/02/2018 22:03

If you want to say no visitors, say no visitors.

Perhaps don't tell anyone when you go into labour would also help.

Good luck, oP.

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WhooooAmI24601 · 07/02/2018 22:05

Absolutely not. Your first few days with your baby are days you will never get back, be as selfish as you like and do whatever you need to do to feel right. if that means limiting who visits and how often you wouldn't be unreasonable at all.

Your in-laws have no claim to this child. You don't owe them constant contact. If they treasure and love you, you'll all work a way through this.

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Leeds2 · 07/02/2018 22:06

Absolutely not. Do what is best for your family.

I would also avoid telling them when you actually go into labour - it might give you a hassle free couple of days.

If you are in hospital, tell the staff that anyone other than DH is banned from visiting. The might help.

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megletthesecond · 07/02/2018 22:10

Say no visitors. It's worth it. I had two quiet weeks when dc2 was born, never regretted it.

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SuperMam123 · 07/02/2018 22:11

No way! Visitors can be a nightmare when you’ve just had a baby! And it’s really annoying when they just turn up. Usually when you’re in the middle of feeding or settling down for a sleep. Just got baby settled too then someone comes in disturbing the peace. My rule was, if visitors just turned up and the curtain was closed, come back later! Yes some people were offended but tough.

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Rainbowqueeen · 07/02/2018 22:14

Yes do not tell them when you have gone into labour. Start practicing now - don't read texts or answer your phone as soon as they contact you so they don't suspect anything if you are suddenly not answering.

Speak to the midwives about not wanting visitors - they are generally happy to tell people to go away.

When you get home, make a sign for the door saying something like "baby sleeping, do not disturb, please call this evening to arrange a time to visit" Use it whenever you feel the need, not just when baby is sleeping!

And come up with some "time to go" phrases so that if they are overstaying their welcome you can make them leave.

Remember your baby your rules.

I hope everything goes well for you

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RemainOptimistic · 07/02/2018 22:15

Tell them to fuck off.

You can't get that time back. You also can't heal and rest with people popping in and out all the time. I can't believe they harassed you in hospital like that! Insensitive selfish idiots.

These people have got months to meet baby for the first time while still a newborn, I don't understand the obsession and entitlement some people seem to have over meeting baby within hours or days of birth.

If you're struggling with the words, tell them I said fuck off Grin

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TinaMena · 07/02/2018 22:17

People should at least wait until you've left hospital before considering visiting. If it involves people travelling, they need to wait longer than people who live locally who can just pop round for half an hour or so

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Passmethecakeplease · 07/02/2018 22:22

Hospital staff shouldn't let anyone come in who you don't want to come in. They'll even go so far as to neither confirm nor deny whether you're even in the hospital.

As has already been suggested, don't tell them when you're in labour and start leaving texts for a long time now to prepare them. Give a fake due date if need be, one that's over two weeks past your actual due date.

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Ihatemarmite123 · 07/02/2018 22:23

I really thought I'd be told it was unreasonable to stop them. Dh is wanting 2 weeks no visitors and we'll go to in laws when we are ready. But he says my mum can come round just not his. His parents don't know about this baby yet

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Passmethecakeplease · 07/02/2018 22:26

Secrets aren't great but I wouldn't let your in laws know that your mum has seen the baby when they haven't, I'd pretend they were being treated the same. That can of worms really isn't worth dealing with.

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Passmethecakeplease · 07/02/2018 22:26

Also..... the only thing you're unreasonable about is your dislike of marmite GrinGrinGrin

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Jamiefraserskilt · 07/02/2018 22:26

Sounds good to me.
Your dh can deal with it
Just don't let them find out about your mum!

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Ihatemarmite123 · 07/02/2018 22:30

I'd never tell them, they might have been selfish but im not going to rub salt in the wound. And I'm not sure I want to allow one to visit and not the other.

I'm currently nc from In laws as they have behaved disgustingly around our first baby and towards both of us.

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OnTheRise · 07/02/2018 22:35

Tell your family that your due date is a few weeks later than it really is. Don't tell anyone when you go into labour. Tell the staff on the ward that you don't want any visitors.

It's your baby, and your time to bond. Don't let anyone guilt you out about it.

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Gide · 07/02/2018 22:39

I'm currently nc from In laws as they have behaved disgustingly around our first baby and towards both of us.

Then they won’t know, will they, so problem solved. Your baby, your rules.

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Ihatemarmite123 · 07/02/2018 22:51

Dh won't lie about due date. But he also won't tell them I'm being induced early.

I really want the time for just us. I think it's going to be very emotional and very different from our first who was really ill. I want to breastfeed privately not with an audience

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DotCottonDotcom · 07/02/2018 22:56

I told in laws to stay away for at least a few days-1 week, with my second. They were awful and controlling when I had my first in NICU for months.

Let me tell you they have never visited the house in the ten years I’ve lived here, except the 2nd day after DD2 was born when MIL came banging on the door “just to drop gifts off”.

People WILL ignore you, be sure not to even answer doors 🙈

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Passmethecakeplease · 07/02/2018 22:57

Ihate , if you're the person I'm thinking of, I remember you saying before about your in-laws and your first born and don't blame you for being nc.

You need to do what's best for you Flowers

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user1482594726 · 07/02/2018 22:59

My midwife actually recommended no visitors for at least a week until after the birth regardless of who the visitors might be. You don't need the added pressure after your previous experience.

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QueenNefertitty · 07/02/2018 22:59

I had no visitors except my mother for over a week, and stayed in bed establishing breastfeeding almost the entire time. It was lovely. Once I felt like I could walk to the park and back without my fanny falling out, then I felt like I was ready for visitors.

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QueenNefertitty · 07/02/2018 22:59

Oh and made it really really clear to anyone who might have taken it upon themselves to pop in

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Ihatemarmite123 · 08/02/2018 08:15

@queen Grin I felt like that. I was so uncomfortable from stitches, sitting really awkwardly in front of people when all I wanted to do was lie down with an ice pack down there

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elmerismyfave · 08/02/2018 08:22

Bless you op. ThanksChrist with everything you've been through you wouldn't be unreasonable to say no visitors for the first year!!!

Do what you want to do, limit visitors for a week/two weeks. It's perfectly normal to want some space to get to know your baby. Hopefully your DH is on board?

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Readytopop12 · 08/02/2018 08:23

I'm due dc2 soon... Last time my DH invited everyone to see us, we had a constant stream of visitors from the moment we got home. Only my mum and sister actually did anything helpful to us. DH was just excited to show off his baby but looking back it made me quite ill. This time I have told him we will be saying no to people if it's not a good time (which it won't be for the first 5 days I think!). I want to enjoy my baby and try and establish breastfeeding in peace

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