Visitors after giving birth

[Ihatemarmite123]

I wondered what other people did about inviting people to see baby after they were born.
Did you invite people to the hospital?
Did they just turn up?
Did you invite people round once you were home?

This is my second baby, after my first who died I was bombarded. And in laws too great offence to us trying to limit visits.

We had no time alone with our first due to in laws demands...very over bearing, controlling and emotionally unstable.

I had a very bad tear, lots of stitches and lost a lot of blood so was pretty ill, I needed rest and couldn't get it, a few occasions I pretended to be asleep on the ward but they just sat next to the bed waiting and chatting away.

Dh and I want to have time for just the 3 of us in the hospital and after. Would we be setting ourselves up for more trouble if we say no to visitors for the first week?

Do whats right for you I put my foot down with ds1 hospital visits and dp's dad has never forgiven me won't even speak to us now but i see that as a good thing my kids don't need someone like that in their lives.

Ds2 I thought I would be very private and keep to myself for a while but a few days later I was out shopping and visiting people. You may change your mind don't set any plans incase you then feel like you have to stick to them just say i'll call when you can visit.

I found it easier to visit family than them come to us with ds2 then we could leave when we wants and they were the ones making tea .

Conversely, I found it much easier to get it over with in hospital - visiting hours were 3-4 and 7-8 and stuck to religiously - one set of parents at each,

"No more visits for a while, it will take a week or 2 to settle at home, but you've seen the wee one now, we'll call when we are ready". Everyone was happy.

Definitely do what you feel is right, and if you’d rather have no visitors then stick to it. With baby no1 it was just me and partner my family came for a bit but my mum moved to Australia after 11 days & his was on an island in the north of Scotland so ideal really. Then no2 Similar mum was in Vietnam and his up north so I could just come home, my sister came and that was it really.

My 3rd son though came a little early - full term but was a bit poorly and in NICU for a few days then came home. My sister wasn’t even allowed in to see him in place of my folks who are now down south so my now exp sister on the day we got home after all that emtion and stress threw a fit to see him as her kids had never seen a baby so small etc despite the fact he was ill and his own brothers had only seen him twice we were in the door an hour and she was there pretty much lifted him off me without asking and started taking pics of him with her kids, no washed hands nothing. I was livid but to knackered to have a fight with her and ex wouldn’t say anything
We were ‘out’ every other time they asked to come over she was a right cf
Luckily with no4 she wasn’t so interested and I had 3 other kids so he was home then we went 9 hours at 8 days old down south to my mums with him so it was great.

You will never get the first weeks back so do what you want they are your precious memories with your little one,

I'm banning people. I'm pregnant with ds and he's due really soon. I'm putting a ban on from week 39 til he's around 4 weeks old.
With dd I had ppd and the visitors made me even worse. I wanted to breastfeed, but people took her off me for hours and wouldn't give her back.
I wanted to spend time with my baby. Yet people just bombarded me and one even told me I looked awful. Another told me my house was a mess. No. This is our child. If you don't want visitors tell them else you could resent them.
I now remember my daughters newborn time to be a stressful and upsetting time. Not the lovely in a bubble feeling like its meant to be

I've just read your responses and I'm guessing everyone is telling you that YANBU, because you're bloody not!! It's so great that your DH is completely on board, let him tell his awful parents that they can't come around for at least two weeks. This is your baby, it's your body, it's your emotional state and absolutely no one has a right to trample all over that. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your first baby, I have four myself and just can't begin to imagine how anyone survives the loss of a baby. You must be very strong! And this pregnancy must feel a little strange and bring up some other emotions for you...any new mothers needs should be at the centre of her experience, but for a mother who lost a baby this must be even more important.

My own ridiculous MIL was just like yours, no privacy, no boundaries, she used to look down my top at DS while I was breast feeding :-( She would turn up mid morning and still be there when I was making tea (although not offering to help) and STILL be there when we started eating it. My DH had no idea that her behaviour was odd because to him it was just normal. There are so many things I can list, but my advice is lay down the law now because you'll be feeling tired and vulnerable when the baby is born and wanting to spend your energy with your precious LO not fighting a narcissistic old witch!

Also talk to your DH and make sure that you two are on the same page with it so you can't be played off against each other. Good luck and congratulations :-)

At our local MH there is electronic doors. .Parents can tell the midwives who they want in or not,, So its a bit like..''If your names not down you're not coming in'
This is going to be an emotional and precious time for you and DH, Make sure the midwifes know about your first darling baby,,and I wish you all the luck in the world....enjoy..

We had NO vistors at all after our two homebirths.
It was bliss!
WE decided when we were ready to see people, and then WE invited them.
My In-Laws still managed to pretty much ruin their first visit though, and I was soooo happy to not experience this behavoiur a few days after giving birth. It was bad enough a few weeks later, even though my hormones weren't all over the place anymore.

Do whatever makes u and ur husband happy. It’s ur baby and you decide what u want. I had an ‘immediate family only’ rule and despite explaining that to a close friend she still turned up unannounced. I was so angry as we only had limited time with our family due to us emigrating a few weeks after my daughter was born.

Put your foot down and make sure your husband supports this very vocally.
After my third we asked no one to visit for 4 days so I could get a bit of rest at home.
Same night I went home from hospital I settled baby and went to bed.
Woke up to find my MIL sat at the end of my bed. Scared the living daylights out of me.
Hope everything goes smoothly for you xxxx

We had no visitors in hosp and none at home for about 10 days.
Totally our choice and we were really clear it was what we wanted.
We actually said two weeks, but he was born mid week and we allowed first visitor the following weekend.

Congratulations and good luck btw xx

I do think mumsnet is a different world though - when I was in hospital having my 2 - everybody had older people (I presume parents) come to visit on the first day - so many in our 6 bed ward that there were not enough chairs at visiting time.

Since there were so many "strangers" around, it was a good time to get the parent visits done.

With our first we told everyone we didn’t want visitors for two weeks. Both sets of parents live a long way away and they were angry. But they got over it and we all have a good relationship now. It was just as well we did say that as well because both me and baby were really ill for 2 weeks and in hospital so any visitors would have been a nightmare. Good luck and huge congratulations on your pregnancy. X.

I’m reading this while waiting for SIL to have baby. Told DBruv to text me to let me know when they are ready for visitors (& obvs when dnephew arrives!) as it’s a special time for them. Unfortunately I know DM has no intention of waiting for them to invite her and will kick off big style if she has to wait longer than 24 hours to see him. Luckily DBruv is a mouthy git and will tell her where to go.

Do whatever is best for you, DH and the baby. You three come first and the hospital will be perfectly happy to tell unwanted visitors to do one, no matter what the visitor tries to say. & hope everything goes well for you.

It just won't suit other people.... that's the issue.

Tough shit! Your baby, your rules. Good luck OP.

We didn’t tell anyone I’d gone into labour because the constant phone calls demanding updates began to cause me stress.. We told grandparents once DD had arrived, but declined visitation as DD and I were very unwell.

We were in hospital for a week and, in the end, the staff fielded phone calls for me as my mother decided to continually phone for updates.

We’d been home a week before we allowed immediate family to visit and then declined anyone else for a further 3 weeks.

But, I was very unwell, as was DD and we received daily midwife visits for the first month due to this. We were all about survival at that point and had no capacity for overbearing relatives.

Best of luck OP. Do things your way and don’t let anyone else dictate otherwise.

When my daughter had her first baby, we had talked about visitors. I said it's your baby, do what makes you happy. Enjoy the deliciousness of your new addition to the family, just the three of you. I wasn't hurt or put out as I know how important it is to enjoy those first few days after the birth in peace. In the event, she rang when the baby was three days old and said that she really wanted me to meet him then. So do what you feel is best for you and see how you feel. And best of luck, I really do hope this goes well for you, you deserve it.