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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visitors after giving birth

67 replies

Ihatemarmite123 · 07/02/2018 22:00

I wondered what other people did about inviting people to see baby after they were born.
Did you invite people to the hospital?
Did they just turn up?
Did you invite people round once you were home?

This is my second baby, after my first who died I was bombarded. And in laws too great offence to us trying to limit visits.

We had no time alone with our first due to in laws demands...very over bearing, controlling and emotionally unstable.

I had a very bad tear, lots of stitches and lost a lot of blood so was pretty ill, I needed rest and couldn't get it, a few occasions I pretended to be asleep on the ward but they just sat next to the bed waiting and chatting away.

Dh and I want to have time for just the 3 of us in the hospital and after. Would we be setting ourselves up for more trouble if we say no to visitors for the first week?

OP posts:
RedBlackberries · 08/02/2018 08:29

My family were all chomping at the bit to get in. I said no one on the first day in hospital post c section because I wanted to be cathereter and cannula free. It didn't go down well. Then I had the added stress of trying to stagger my Mum and dad coming in because they can't be in a confined space together!! It failed after my dad arrived early and my mum late so that was a pleasant moment Hmm.

It was actually a blessing that dh's family didn't seem bothered about coming in at all.

KimmySchmidt1 · 08/02/2018 08:34

You neeed to tell your DH to grow a pair it is his job to keep people away from you while you want to be left alone.

You have people to visit when you are ready, and that is the message that everyone should get.

In my friendship and family circles quite frankly people are smart and civilised enough to know that they don’t come til invites and they say that - if you know a lot of thickies you may well have to be firm with them and explain the etiquette but you are absolutely right to put yourself and your baby first.

You are not a piece of meat that they own just because you have given birth.

PinkyBlunder · 08/02/2018 08:42

I’ve just had over a week with my newborn alone with only my DH and DD around after saying no to visitors.

Best thing I did. Wish I had done the same when DD was born. My recovery has been smoother, I’ve enjoyed my baby, been able to sort out any problems with feeding etc without having others to think about, been able to get up and about kn my own terms in my own time. I had to really put my foot down but it’s been so worth it.

fia101 · 08/02/2018 08:43

I didn't massively appreciate lots of visitors arriving at hospital 2 hours after giving birth. I looked a mess and felt exhausted.

Sarahh2014 · 08/02/2018 08:48

I didn't want visitors at all.When I was due to be discharged after an awful traumatic birth my dh friend and his wife who I had never met came to the hospital and wanted to come to our house to visit their and then.er no chance! If you don't want visitors straight away stick to your guns

Readytopop12 · 08/02/2018 08:56

I know people are excited to see the baby, but honestly, they still look the same in a few days. What the mum has gone through, a long pregnancy, labour, sleep deprivation, body that feels like you've been hit by a bus, plus dealing with a newborn who needs 24/7 care, just gets completely overlooked. DH wasn't impressed when I said I would be restricting visitors, not saying no necessarily but more like 'now isn't a good time, can you come back at X time instead' rather than the open house we had last time. He said it's rude to turn people away! I said my feelings have to come first and I think he understood, but I know he'll find it difficult to stand up to his family when the time comes.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/02/2018 08:57

Really sorry about your first DC Sad Flowers if you and your DH are on the same page then don’t worry about what anyone else thinks/says and tell the midwives no visitors on the ward.

Original poster
Ihatemarmite123 · 08/02/2018 09:15

It was my idea to say no for hospital visits, dh wants to extend this for the first 2 weeks which suits me fine. It just won't suit other people.... that's the issue.

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 08/02/2018 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/02/2018 09:24

I'm currently nc from In laws as they have behaved disgustingly around our first baby and towards both of us.

Personally, I would stay that way. They are unlikely to change, if they could be that unpleasant and self-centred at that of ALL times, then that's who they are. Get back in touch and you can look forward to more of the same centred on your second baby, until you finally lose the plot (or your DH does) and scream at them to get the fuck out of your lives.

Why not cut right to the chase and just keep them out?

Your DH grew up with them, he know what they're like. I'd listen to him and respect his feelings too - it's probably even harder for him in some ways as he must feel he's escaped and made his own family - but there they are ruining that too.

Yes, definitely two weeks at least, no visits. If that doesn't suit... I suggest you tell them in no uncertain terms that actually, you're considering whether you want them in your lives at all, never mind for two weeks. So if they don't want to never see this baby, then they should listen and stay away. Then there might be a chance at reconciliation.

So Angry for what they did to you. Don't let them ruin this time too - you really will never be able to forgive if that happens.

Original poster
Ihatemarmite123 · 08/02/2018 09:25

@danceswithotters Yes!

OP posts:
Differentcorner · 08/02/2018 09:29

Firstly OP I'm so very sorry to hear about your firstborn. I would see if you can ask your midwife to talk to family about limiting visitors or just say you've been strictly told by medical team to rest and limit visitors due to number of bugs about at the moment. This time is incredibly precious, do what makes you feel most comfortable. Keep baby skin to skin with you (however you choose to feed) if you feel you can when awake to ensure uninterrupted time together once home. I hope all goes well for you and your family and that you are well cared for at this special time

mommybear1 · 08/02/2018 09:30

Don't worry about what will suit other people OP do what is best for you and your family. We said from the outset we would have no visitors for 2 weeks as things turned out baby was premature and we were in hospital in any event we kept the same rule and had an extra week when we got home I know it was unpopular but I didn't / don't care I did what was best for my family and it worked for us. I'd do the same again. I also restricted visitors afterwards as DS was poorly post birth and had no truck with anyone turning up with a cold etc they were sent away quick smart - my DH was fab in backing me on this and in fairness the first 2 week ban was his idea! Best of luck OP I hope everything goes well Thanks

Differentcorner · 08/02/2018 09:31

PS. Hospital visits will be easy to manage just let the staff know that it's a no to visitors and they will stop them at the door. you could also ask if there might be any chance of a side room bearing in mind your journey to date, although often they are full

DancesWithOtters · 08/02/2018 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ihatemarmite123 · 08/02/2018 09:51

Continuing to be nc only hurts dh. He is low contact. There's no way they'll ever get this baby unsupervised, and what they will get will be minimal

OP posts:
FlouncyDoves · 08/02/2018 09:56

Do you really care about the other people?

SilverBirchTree · 08/02/2018 10:16

I’m so sorry for your terrible loss.

Do what’s right for you! You are having a baby, you don’t owe anything to anyone.

Tell the in laws to wait to be invited, and then invite when you feel up to it and not a bloody moment sooner.

Congratulations on your soon to be baby. Wishing you all the happiness in the world!

mindutopia · 08/02/2018 10:26

I had a home birth, but we had a firm rule of no visitors for at least a week and after that we'd let them know when we were ready for them. They know we mean business and they stayed firmly away. That said, we have no family who live close enough to just drop in (closest were 1.5 hours away) and we'd just moved to the area we lived in a little over a year before, so most of our close friends lived about 1.5 to 2 hours away as well, with the exception of a few locally. So there weren't many people who could easily pop in. We had our first visitors at 10 days and it was lovely. And they came, brought lunch and cake, made us lunch, cleaned up, did the washing up and left after 2 hours. Our next visitors were probably 2 weeks later and then the rest started to trickle in after that.

Be firm and shut the door in their face if they turn up. It's your time. You don't get it back and they'll get over it eventually. This time I have no idea when we'll even have our first visitors. Maybe after a few weeks? I'm due any day now, but we are NC with our closest (geographic) family now and they won't be meeting our new baby, so it will likely be a bit longer before anyone comes over. I'd say at least 2-3 weeks. My mum is coming at around probably 4-5 weeks (she lives overseas).

Allthewaves · 08/02/2018 10:30

My local hospital, you can pay for private room. I'd def consider this

KatyS36 · 08/02/2018 12:56

We had no visitors for two weeks rule for our dd, it was lovely,would throughly recommend.

Katy xx

windchimesabotage · 08/02/2018 13:01

YANBU to refuse visitors. Make sure you tell the hospital staff so they know not to tell anyone apart from your husband where you are if anyone else turns up at the reception.

I refused all visitors for a few nights, including my own parents. And then I only accepted a couple of visits from my own parents in the first week. Then one visit from my inlaws in the second week (which I wasnt even present for I stayed in bed whilst my husband showed them the baby)
And I get on reasonably well with my family. I was just injured and tired and wanted to bond with my baby alone and I think that is perfectly natural.

elmo1990 · 08/02/2018 13:15

I wish I said no to visitors with dd2. Had a home birth early Sunday morning, the family descended Sunday afternoon. Not what I had intended

sirlee66 · 08/02/2018 13:16

I'm 30 weeks with my first. The Health Visitor said to me not to have any visitors (except maybe 1or2 i.e. only my mum/Dad etc) because the baby can't see properly so uses its sense of smell to know where I am (and where the milk is!)... If loads of visitors come over and hold the baby, it can really distress the baby because they can't smell you anymore and get really confused!

I've not heard that one before but I guess the HV knows more than I do!

SoSobored · 08/02/2018 13:24

Honestly this is going to be so so emosh for you guys. Take your time, and know that you may not want visitors but you can always ask if it's overwhelming.