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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow dd on school trip abroad

76 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2018 09:09

When dd started secondary school she brought a letter home about a school trip to Italy.

My initial reaction was no but she pleaded.

This was yr 7 and the trip is taking place this year . Yr8.

I can't fly and ferry probably worse so she won't go abroad with us.

I'm terrified that something bad will happen. Now the time is approaching I'm wishing I didn't say she could go. Also turns out she will be away for her birthday.

I have asked her if she really wants to go - she does.

How can I change her mind . Only a small number of children going so not like she is missing out.

I am awake most nights fretting

OP posts:
BaldricksTrousers · 04/02/2018 09:12

It's deja vu all over again.

Let her go. You've already said yes and she wants to do it. Don't let your anxiety stifle your child.

If you need to, go to your gp about your anxiety.

formerbabe · 04/02/2018 09:15

We just had a very similar thread Confused

Anyway...you don't need to find a way to stop her going. Let her go. You need to find a way to deal with your anxiety.

WhooooAmI24601 · 04/02/2018 09:16

Instead of changing her mind could you find some way to calm yourself down and let her go? Counselling or CBT might help, have you tried either?

Your anxiety over this might go away temporarily if you stop her from going, but what will you do when she's 18 and decides she'd like to go to Ibiza for a summer after A Levels, or go backpacking around Thailand and Aus for a gap year? At some point she's going to extend her reach beyond the boundaries where you feel safe, and when she does you're going to feel exactly the same unless you change your own emotions towards this.

itsbetterthanabox · 04/02/2018 09:16

She's never been abroad?
Yeah you've got to let her. I have terrible anxiety too so I understand but you are letting it hurt your child. I know it feels like you are just keeping her safe but you are actually smothering her.
She'll be well looked after by the school, she can contact you and you can contact teachers so you know she's ok.
It's a wonderful opportunity for her. Especially as you won't take her abroad. Italy is a safe country. Go through safety advice with her.
Are you having any treatment for your anxiety?

jo10000 · 04/02/2018 09:17

As someone who hates flying myself (but does it anyway) ask yourself if you want your dd to never fly and experience the wonders of a new country? I don't think you will want her to have the same hang ups as you. You need to let her go and smile and wish her a good time.

juddyrockingcloggs · 04/02/2018 09:17

So, when will she be allowed to experience the world then? You really want to rob her of such an opportunity?

Weloveoptimus · 04/02/2018 09:18

Stop holding her back from having a fantastic new experience.
I don't want to be harsh, but this isn't about you.
She will love it and trips such as these, they remember forever!
So much fun and exciting new things.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2018 09:19

There was another thread? Can anyone link?

I do suffer from anxiety and it was this precise reason I didn't want to prevent her from going but I'm just so scared.

How can I be excited for her when I'm so scared

OP posts:
booellesmum · 04/02/2018 09:19

I know how you feel.
I feel like this every time either of mine go away. My year 12 went to Paris just after the terrorist activity there.
My year 9 has already been to France with school twice, will go again this year and next year it's New York.
It feels very scary to let them go but I keep reminding myself that the chance of a problem is very very small, and just as likely to happen here.
(There was a coach crash a while ago and a child died on a school trip to Birmingham.)
It'll be fine and she'll have a great time.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 04/02/2018 09:20

We literally had the same thread titke yesterday only that was year 6 if i didnt recoignise lems name on this one i'd question it.

But you shouldn't be changing her mind, its your state of mind you need to work on, you need to adress the anxiety

jaseyraex · 04/02/2018 09:21

Do you get treatment for your anxiety, OP? It's really unfair to let it impact on your child. Do not try and change her mind. Let her go and let her have fun. The chances of something "bad" happening while she's in Italy are no bigger than the chances of something bad happening to her at home. We went to Disneyland with school when I was about 10. Had never been abroad as we couldn't afford family holidays, and honestly its still up there as one of my favourite trips abroad.

ShimmeringBollox · 04/02/2018 09:21

You won’t know me becuse I’ve name hanged, but you have really really helped me out when I was in the pit of horrible anxiety.

I am going to echo other posters who say you should let her go, I know it’s not going to be easy.

specialsubject · 04/02/2018 09:22

Do you let them go in cars? Far more risky.

Please get medical help.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2018 09:22

The irony being I would have advised the poster on the other thread to let them go had I seen it. Because I an a rational person when it isn't about my own child.

OP posts:
Anasnake · 04/02/2018 09:24

You can't let your anxiety ruin her life - she'll grow up resenting you

Callamia · 04/02/2018 09:25

I understand the feeling of anxiety clouding decision-making, but I also know that this is a great adventure for her. I went to Italy with school (about a thousand years ago), and I can remember so much about it (I should tell my parents that it was worth the money).

Your daughter will have a fabulous time, and grow from it. I know none of this really helps the irrational thoughts of anxiety, so I agree with everyone else suggesting that you seek some help for managing this - it’s not only affecting your life, but potentially your daughter too. Enough! It doesn’t need to be like that.

MargotLovedTom1 · 04/02/2018 09:25

You don't even think about changing her mind. You risk damaging your relationship with her if you try to manipulate her and stifle her with your anxiety. Please take steps to have treatment of some kind: it will benefit all of you.

Runningoutofusernames · 04/02/2018 09:25

Why should she suffer for your anxiety? Good on her for being brave, an hope you are able to get some help to cope with your own anxiety.

Aridane · 04/02/2018 09:25

So there is more than one thread on a similar problem - so??

k2p2k2tog · 04/02/2018 09:27

How can I change her mind

You don't. You let her go and don't project your anxiety onto her.

BakedBeans47 · 04/02/2018 09:28

Don’t try and change her mind. You’re projecting your anxieties onto her and it’s not fair.

Squeegle · 04/02/2018 09:28

I suppose, LEM, the question is, do you want your daughter to grow up with your anxieties? I suspect not and that is why you need to get them sorted out for your sake and hers. I do get what you’re saying but it’s not fair to impose this on her.

Violletta · 04/02/2018 09:28

if you have said she can go it would be beyond cruel not to let her go now

I love travelling but am normally terrified on the vehicle while it's moving if that makes sense

sherbertdibdab · 04/02/2018 09:28

You don't have to be excited for her, just supportive of her desire to go. You can do this OP, think of what a fantastic chance this is for your daughter. And as other posters have said some counselling might be a good idea for you.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2018 09:29

Aridane - at least I know I'm not the only over anxious parent. I genuinely didn't know about the other thread though.

These comments are just what I need - thankyou

OP posts:
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