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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow dd on school trip abroad

76 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2018 09:09

When dd started secondary school she brought a letter home about a school trip to Italy.

My initial reaction was no but she pleaded.

This was yr 7 and the trip is taking place this year . Yr8.

I can't fly and ferry probably worse so she won't go abroad with us.

I'm terrified that something bad will happen. Now the time is approaching I'm wishing I didn't say she could go. Also turns out she will be away for her birthday.

I have asked her if she really wants to go - she does.

How can I change her mind . Only a small number of children going so not like she is missing out.

I am awake most nights fretting

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 04/02/2018 09:29

I do understand pathological anxiety. If my DH hadn't sought treatment then there is no doubt in my mind we would have split up. But it's very tiring for the people in your life. CBT is very effective. Have you had treatment before?

Squeegle · 04/02/2018 09:29

She is going to grow up and do lots of stuff more risky than school trips. It’s really important that you get the right support to enable you to let her grow.

Thingywhatsit · 04/02/2018 09:31

Yesterday's thread was a thread that had been resurrected from a few months ago but a mother was having similar thoughts to you for her child's year 6 trip to Spain. Sorry can't find the thread to link.

I would say you need to let her go. My son is now in year 10. When he was in year 9 he did a 12 day trip abroad - he didn't know anyone else on the trip, and only knew one of the leaders. He had to navigate uk airports on his own as well (he had never done that before!). It was way out of my comfort zone, and I really had a few major wobbles - but it was a brilliant opportunity for him. I could have never afforded to take him on a similar trip. He came back a totally different child for the better, and he still talks about how it was such a good trip. He's been away since and it was much easier for me as I knew that he had coped so well with the 12 day trip that anything else will be a breeze.

Some bits of parenting are hard - but it's the same ethos adapted to different situations. As parents we always from birth put our child's needs first. In this situation you need to give her the opportunity to explore and discover. She needs to have an opportunity to go out of her comfort zone, to be independent and look after herself whilst you aren't there.

Your anxiety shouldn't stop her having these experiences. (As long as have financially it doesn't impact on the family as a whole etc)

Quartz2208 · 04/02/2018 09:31

I went to Italy with the School at the same age and had an amazing time. My mum hated it (not helped by the fact other people phoned Home and I didn’t) but she said she knew she had to let me go because of the experience and she was right

We can’t hold our children back or keep them wrapped up safe forever how much that is what we want to do

ScarlettDarling · 04/02/2018 09:37

Lem I completely understand but you have to let her go. I suffer from anxiety, I know how you feel, but this isn't about you. It's about your daughter. Just think what message you're giving her if you don't let her go...the world is a scary place, stay at home, be scared. You don't want your daughter growing up with anxiety issues, being afraid to travel and see the world, you want her to be brave and adventurous.

As a parent with anxiety, my worst fear is that my children grow up with anxiety issues. So I manage to swallow my fears enough to let them go on these trips. My son is going skiing soon which terrifies me, but I'm encouraging him all the way because it'll be a real adventure. Do this for her.

SandLand · 04/02/2018 09:38

Other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3031246-to-not-let-my-DD-go-on-school-trip-abroad-in-Y6

My 8 year old (year4) is flying abroad with school next week. Yes, im concerned, but we talked it through when the letter arrived, and he wanted to go. So he's going. It's 4 nights, and 90 mins on the plane. Arguably to a safer country than we curently reside in (not uk). Its optional for Y4,Y5,Y6.

ChasedByBees · 04/02/2018 09:39

You don’t change her mind, you need to change yours. I know how it feels with anxiety but she will resent you for a long time if you don’t let her go. Friendships will strengthen on the trip and she’ll be cut out of that shared experience.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2018 09:42

I get it I really do but I looked at the other thread and on the first page there was talk of an awful coach crash . I wish I never said yes I really do

OP posts:
deckoff · 04/02/2018 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2018 09:44

Had medication had CBT anxiety is ruining my life

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 04/02/2018 09:49

You don’t just have to let her go, you have to smile and bite your lip every time you want to fuss/warn/give safety advice, because all these things will raise anxiety in your child, who will have already been hugely impacted by your difficulty tolerating her doing new things. This trip will be the making of both of you. Think of a few breezy, positive things to say about the trip, and make these the only things you say to her. Go for it OP. And the real horror story you should be deperately trying to avoid is the outcome that your child is crippled by anxiety for the rest of her life and never able to meet her full potential or have great experiences. Maybe you could take a trip next summer on a plane or ferry too, would be a great outcome.

taytopotato · 04/02/2018 09:49

I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety and as as a parent we will always worry about them.

One aspect of parenting is letting children go so they can spread their wings.

NordicNobody · 04/02/2018 09:52

God my gran was like this, sooooo much anxiety! I took a year out after uni to go travelling (so 21) and had to endure months and months of begging, pleading, bribing, emotional blackmail etc not to go. Every time I went to visit she would initiate looooong conversations trying to find out "what I was running away from", was I depressed and trying to get myself hurt, how much money would it take to make me stay, if I loved or cared about her at all I wouldn't go and I was making her health problems worse. It was horrible, sucked a lot of the joy and excitement out of the trip, and frankly our relationship never recovered. I just massively decreased the amount of time I spent with her. Mind you, it wasn't just about travelling, as she got older her anxiety got so bad that even the thought of me taking a bus into town by myself was enough to send her into a meltdown. Her anxiety for my safety was born of love, but also I believe out if a need to micromanage and be in control of everything. It was a miserable way for her to live, and drove us apart. Strongly agree with other posters that you need to get some professional help before things reach anything near that point.

Bluetrews25 · 04/02/2018 09:54

LEM, you can do this. Please let her go.
You gave her a life, please let her live it - when you give someone a gift, you have to let go of the package in order for it to be truly their property, not yours. I hope that metaphor makes sense.
SHE wants to go, you don't. Well, you stay at home then! (And I'm saying that kindly, truly.) When she has shown you how brave she is, and how fantastic the experience is, you may be able to travel with her sometime - she can lead you out of your fear.
Please get some help for your anxiety.
She will have the best time, and will appreciate that you let her go.
Or she will resent you for stopping her. Which would you prefer?

earlylifecrisis · 04/02/2018 09:56

I'm sorry about your anxiety op, it's so difficult and I have suffered this in the past with detrimental effects. Get as much help as you can for this, but let your DD go on the trip. For every 1 coach accident there are thousands of trips that run accident free every day of the year. You've got to work with probabilities here. Your daughter will be fine, she'll have a brilliant time and most importantly she wants to go, she wants to try this independent thing and she will be well looked after by her teachers.

alotalotalot · 04/02/2018 09:58

Let her have the fun and opportunities you've never been able to have because of your anxiety. Or she'll be a carbon copy of you in the future worrying about her children and missing out herself.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 04/02/2018 10:00

You need to let her go.

If anxiety is ruining your life, imagine what it's doing to hers as it will be having a huge impact on her that will have lasting effects.

She needs to be able to do things so that she doesn't suffer in future from the same anxiety.

foxmuldersufo · 04/02/2018 10:01

You’re very selfish

GabsAlot · 04/02/2018 10:02

anxiety is horrid i know but your fear is misplaced the fact is shes morfe likely to be an accident on the way to school than on a trip aborad look up statistics if it will help

you have to let her go or its the start of a slippery slope whats next she cant go out the door?

mogloveseggs · 04/02/2018 10:03

She needs to go. I know how you feel my dd is going to France next weekend and I’m extremely anxious. But she’s so excited and it’s lovely to see her so excited. Think about her excitement and how it makes her happy.

Klarabing · 04/02/2018 10:04

My dd 13 is just back from a weeks ski trip to italy.. she had a ball and has come back an even more self assured young lady. Let her go xx

jzjz · 04/02/2018 10:05

My granddaughter spent 2 weeks by herself on a French course in Paris at the age of 13, getting the Eurostar there and back by herself.

At the age of 14 she flew to Geneva by herself to attend a French course where she stayed with a Swiss family she'd never met before for the duration.

She was absolutely fine and had such an incredible time. Travel enriches a young person's life and horizons, and the chances of something happening to her while she is abroad are no greater than the risk she takes crossing the road every day at home.

Wolfiefan · 04/02/2018 10:05

You need to seek further help for your anxiety.
If she wants to go then you need to let her. The school will have put in place risk assessments and safety precautions. It's not more dangerous just because it's abroad. Would you stop her going on a coach in this country?

YellowMakesMeSmile · 04/02/2018 10:08

I think further help is needed too.

In another post you say your eldest daughter has headed down the same path so now you need to act and fast to ensure the second child you chose to have doesn't follow the same route. That alone should be incentive enough.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/02/2018 10:08

Probably not what you want to hear but coach crashes and car crashes are just as likely to happen here. It’s just part of life. Short of all holding up at home, turning off all electrics at night, making bubble wrap helmets and knee pads and everyone armed with a bottle of detol there’s “risk” everywhere.

Let her live her life. Let yourself live your life. Better to die having lived than shut away in my book.