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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow dd on school trip abroad

76 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 04/02/2018 09:09

When dd started secondary school she brought a letter home about a school trip to Italy.

My initial reaction was no but she pleaded.

This was yr 7 and the trip is taking place this year . Yr8.

I can't fly and ferry probably worse so she won't go abroad with us.

I'm terrified that something bad will happen. Now the time is approaching I'm wishing I didn't say she could go. Also turns out she will be away for her birthday.

I have asked her if she really wants to go - she does.

How can I change her mind . Only a small number of children going so not like she is missing out.

I am awake most nights fretting

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 04/02/2018 10:09

Can I repeat that line from Dead Poet's Society (which is probably a real quote of someone noteable)
'A life lived in fear is a life only half lived'

NavyGold · 04/02/2018 10:09

Unhelpful fox

OP, letting her go will help you in the long run. She will have a great time and you will have made a step in avoiding your anxiety projecting on to her. You will see her come home safe and sound and it will make it easier to face the next challenge.
I feel for you, anxiety is crippling

blueskypink · 04/02/2018 10:11

You've said she can go (thankfully) and you can't go back on it. If you needle away at her trying to make her change her mind you risk making her anxious about travelling.

You'll just have to put up with / work through your anxiety I'm afraid - for your DD's sake.

My ds went on a 3 week school trip from the uk to LA to New Zealand in year 8. I was naturally a bit anxious but primarily excited for him.

FlibbertyGiblets · 04/02/2018 10:13

LEM I understand. She'll go, and have a great time, you'll wave her off with a smile and sob once the coach is gone. It will be fine (you'll not sleep well for the duration) and you'll make a Welcome Home cake and bake all your love into it.

Have a Non Mumsnetty hug.

BexConnor · 04/02/2018 10:18

PLEASE do not try to stop her going OP. You've already said she can go. You can't crush her excitement now.

I know you just want her to be safe, but you can't keep her wrapped up in cotton wool. She needs to experience the world for herself. After all it's an organised school trip so she'll be supervised by teachers, it's not like she'll be wandering around Italy on her own.

Quartz2208 · 04/02/2018 10:28

The worse thing you can do is pass your anxiety onto her you have to let her go.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 04/02/2018 10:29

Hi LEM

Look....
You know you can't do this to her.
You cannot let your anxiety ruin others lives.

You know this.
You know exactly what you would say to someone else in this situation.

You need to get help again for this.
Especially if it's starting to affect DC.
Don't let your parenting legacy be one of anxious kids.

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2018 10:31

"How can I be excited for her when I'm so scared"

You pretend.

"anxiety is ruining my life"

But it doesn't need to ruin your DD's life as well.

Sometimes it's helpful to "feel the fear and do it anyway".

It would be extremely selfish to stop this trip and as another poster said that her relationship with her anxious relative never recovered, yours mightn't.

You are setting your DD up for FOG, as well as a host of other issues.

Birdsgottafly · 04/02/2018 10:34

"Unhelpful fox"

But true. How many threads are in here because the professionals and family members have pussyfooted around the OE with the issues to the point that their Siblings/children's needs have got lost along the way.

snowbellj · 04/02/2018 10:40

LEM, I said yes to my dd going to Paris with school this year. I really don't want her to go either....but I have to let her go and I definitely will not be ruining her experience by saying anything negative.
It's one of those things you need to just let happen - stopping her would restrict your daughter's experiences and own ability to enjoy life and the world and all it has to offer.

Moussemoose · 04/02/2018 10:40

Anxiety is ruining your life. Do NOT let anxiety ruin your child's life.

I'm sorry about your anxiety but this is about your child not you. I have a mother who makes every important event in my life about her. I deeply resent this and it has impacted on our relationship. Sorry to sound harsh but get over yourself and think about your child.

NavyGold · 04/02/2018 10:43

With all due respect, nobody here is pussyfooting around the OP so somebody piping up with a jibe as opposed to a constructive response is unhelpful. OP's anxiety isn't rooted in selfishness, it's rooted in fear.

laura65988 · 08/02/2018 00:37

Why is everyone jumping on the anxiety wagon it's not really what she's asking she is asking what u would allow this as she doesn't want her in a foreign country with out yes this would play on her anxiety issue but it's not about passing it onto her daughterer let her go if she doesn't want her to go as she thinks she is to young and worried some thing horrible will happen and she won't be in same country I don't have have anxiety issues and would not let my child go to foreign country with out me as u think it's dangerous and school are not monitoring them at all times and kids pushthr boundaries and sneak out and do stupid things and it can happen also prdophiles walking around not been monitored at all no one knows where they stay or nothing ure child is ure most precious thing in the world and u have a right as s parent to say no if u don't want it she myt hate me but tuff shit going to get alot more of that as she grows and doesn't likey rules she will be over in no time don't let these people persuade u that u are in any way a bad parent cause u have anxiety issues that plays no part I it but they all think it does and u will not pass this on as this decision it's a school holiday abroad u don't like it ure ths right parent who doesn't let a child decorate the rules there will be other trips when she's older so please excuse these people ignoreancr and saying it's all about Ure issue it's not ure being a very good parent and limiting ure child to what she's exposed to and not letting her Inti a foreign country with out is fine c

LagunaBubbles · 08/02/2018 09:37

Laura I can only assume by writing prdophiles you mean paedophiles...you sound hysterical and no help to the OP whatsoever.

Quartz2208 · 08/02/2018 11:28

Laura, with respect, everything in your post screams being overly anxious: school not monitoring/kids running off and doing stupid things/paedophiles being on every street corner. These are anxieties causing you to do to the worse possible scenario. And to be honest a bit OTT with the idea of a foreign country being some horrible place stuck in the dark ages

You may be her parent now but to be honest they wont like the rules so guess what as soon as they are old enough they will leave and be ill equipped to deal with the world that you have made full of monsters

Anasnake · 08/02/2018 18:44

Ffs Laura - punctuation!!

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/02/2018 18:47

Laura you sound hysterical, and even after reading that I'm still not sure why?

Anasnake · 08/02/2018 19:09

Prdophiles apparently Brillo !

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/02/2018 19:22

Ahh yes, those prdophiles who are only abroad.

IHaveBrilloHair · 08/02/2018 19:25

Which btw assuming mad Laura means paedophiles wouldn't affect the Dd in the OP anyway, since she's probably not pre-pubescent.

KERALA1 · 09/02/2018 09:30

Roads seem much safer on the continent - fewer people larger land mass. Whenever we get back to England it feels much more crowded and roads busier. Feels safer in France.

Is there some sort of anxiety epidemic going on? Every thread has people anxious about all sorts of everyday things like meeting up with friends or going on holiday. Don't know anyone that has this in real life.

peachypetite · 09/02/2018 09:32

You're being unfair. You need to address your anxieties before they end up rubbing up on her.

peachypetite · 09/02/2018 09:33

Rubbing off*

G120810 · 13/02/2018 21:01

I don't really see the problem let her go u said ureself u would advice other people on here to let there child go but won't do it with your own you have to let her go at some point you can't think of the bad all the time

Also we are here to offer advice everyone has an opinion that we might not agree on do we need to point out a spelling mistake and u hardly think Laura daughter is not going to be equipped with the world because she wasn't allowed on a school trip and there is monsters out there with the way Laura responded I'm pretty sure daughter will be well aware of them

HateTheDF · 13/02/2018 21:23

Please don't let your anxiety take control. Please let her go.

My DM suffered from anxiety and as I result I didn't even stay over friends houses because she'd cry and cry and I felt so bad. I travelled for the first time last year abroad at the age of 28 because she never wanted me to fly. I never went anywhere, I never did anything and I ended up being agrophobic and I ended up with anxiety.

Please go to your GP and let her go.

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