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Original poster

How to deal with this MIL situation

57 replies

cafcesque · 22/01/2018 12:36

So my MIL casually mentioned that she had started doing my dad's family tree.
My dad died 4 years ago and never met my MIL. Also my dad had gone NC with his family. I never knew them they were not interested in me or my sibling.

I told her I wasn't interested and not to mention it to my mum as it would really upset her. She couldn't understand and went on about it for a bit. I just said look you can't pick your family can you?

I think that was it. But it's now eating away at me. I don't want her nosing into my family. I know that my dad had another family (much older than me) but there was complete break of ties with them and I don't want MIL finding all this out. It's none of her business.
How can I reiterate with her to not do any more investigation without it be becoming a big thing? Should I ask dp to have a word (He knows the whole story)?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/01/2018 12:38

Yes - tell DP to have a word.

Has she finished her own family tree, and your FIL’s?

Abouttoblow · 22/01/2018 12:38

Why on earth is she researching your family?
Tell her to do her own...... and hope she finds a famous pirate/bank robber/politician.

RedDogsBeg · 22/01/2018 12:45

To do it properly and accurately your MIL would need information about your dad from you, your mum or other members of your family, you've told her you don't want her to do it and therefore she will not be getting any information from you.

Ask your dp to tell her to respect your wishes and privacy and keep her nose out of your family history.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/01/2018 12:47

That's odd. Why would she want to do your family tree?

Definitely ask DP to explain that you do not want her to do it. Whether she listens is a different matter.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 22/01/2018 12:48

I think she would find it difficult without your cooperation. I understand your annoyance though, she can focus on her own.

Original poster
cafcesque · 22/01/2018 12:50

Thanks. I wondered if I was being overly sensitive. She's done her own family tree. I think she has so much time on her hands as she seems to be on Facebook all night.
I know she's a bit of a gossip and dont want our laundry aired in public to all her friends.

OP posts:
Idreamofpizza · 22/01/2018 12:50

I have had this with my MIL. She has done all her family tree as far as she possibly can. She then wanted to do my family. I said no thanks. She asked a few times and I said no as I wasn't the slightest bit interested in my family tree. I suspect she has done it anyway but I will probably never know.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/01/2018 12:51

I think you do make it a slightly big thing.

You tell your DP to have a very strong word and say that you are quite upset as you know that it would end up with your mum finding out and none of you want relationships in the family to become strained - code: beak out MIL or we might see less of you. Also tell your DP to drop into conversation that your Dad changed his surname at some point so the name he was known by wasn't his original family name anyway. Be super vague but give her the impression that she isn't going to be tracing the right name, lie lie lie but that might also dissuade her.

How rude!!

Eliza9917 · 22/01/2018 12:53

She might be doing it for any grandchildren's sake.

Either way, if you've told her not to do it, she should drop it.

frasier · 22/01/2018 12:54

With some people, the more you say please don't, the more they will do it.She might not tell you, but she'll do it.

Don't mention it again unless she brings it up and then tell her, or tell DP to tell her, that she must be really bored and have no life to investigate a stranger's family tree. Embarrass her out of doing it.

If gossip starts coming back to you from people she knows, just tell them it's rubbish and MIL must have the wrong name.

meredintofpandiculation · 22/01/2018 12:58

If you and your DP don't cooperate, she only has access to stuff in the public domain, she won't find it easy. And, as others say, you can throw some disinformation into the mix.

She may have good intentions - she's possibly trying to preserve family history for grandchildren, and doing it because she has the time available that you don't have.

SugarPlumLairy · 22/01/2018 13:04

Ooh, my mil does all that genealogy stuff and we fell out over it.
She wanted to do my family when I married DH, I said no thank you, it's intrusive. So she started hassling my parents, aunts, and complained to me when they politely said they couldn't remember the dates/info she wanted.
We ALL tried to be polite, said it's nice she has a hobby but it's a bit intrusive, she didn't get the hint. I told her again, stop it, it comes across as downright nosey and intrusive where you have no business sticking your noise.
She got nasty, told me she didn't need my permission, all the documents where public record etc... I told her to fuck off and enjoy having a family on osprey only as I would have nothing to do with her or her nosey arsed project.

She still has a sneaky try but to best of my knowledge has given up.

I should add, I have nothing against genealogy but MIL uses it like some sort of Crufts proof of status/breed thing, it really is an exercise in gossip and being nosey.

I would speak to your hubby and then explain to MIL that you BOTH feel upset by this and would appreciate her stoppin this digging into YOUR family history. Then stop seeing her until she complies. It's not as a punishment but it is a natural consequence to not be around people who don't respect you.

Good luck👍

RedDogsBeg · 22/01/2018 13:04

Doesn't matter why she's doing it, it is your family not hers, you don't want her to do it and she should respect and abide by your wishes on this.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/01/2018 13:05

There will be things she just won't know unless you give her the information. If she persists, give her the wrong information.

Pengggwn · 22/01/2018 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/01/2018 13:06

She could volunteer to help at the library with genealogy. I know in my local library they are always looking for volunteers to help people track down their ancestors.

fourandnomore · 22/01/2018 13:07

I doubt she will be able to do any of it without your help, aside from my maiden name i am pretty sure my mil only knows my mum's name in our family. She'd have quite a job trying to find links without help so hopefully you not being interested will end the curiosity, but if not I think the suggestion that she is bored to think of doing someone else's family tree is a good one.

whiskyowl · 22/01/2018 13:08

All kinds of stuff can come out when researching a family tree. FIL caused acute embarrassment to GFIL by discovering that one member of the family was not, in fact, his aunt but was actually his mother. It cause a lot of pain and embarrassment (unnecessarily, to modern eyes, but he had grown up with a very different set of mores).

I would have another word and restate that the family situation is complicated and you just don't feel comfortable having it all unearthed, and that there is a chance it might cause some pain.

Missingstreetlife · 22/01/2018 13:14

Get her on to doing history of her house, then anyone's she fancies
Less personal
Good luck

RedDogsBeg · 22/01/2018 13:16

whisky I wouldn't tell the MIL the family situation is complicated as that will just feed into her nosiness and desire for poking around in someone else's life to find out what, where, who and why.

The only answer is no, I don't want you to do that and I expect you to respect my wishes. No need for reasons or excuses.

tattychicken · 22/01/2018 13:17

Does she know your DOB? If she so might be able to get your Dad's details from your birth certificate. Warn your DP not to inadvertently give out any information regarding your family, I expect she'll start probing for information....

Tink2007 · 22/01/2018 13:18

I would be massively annoyed if my MIL did this. I don’t blame you for being upset. It’s nothing to do with her at all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/01/2018 13:22

Goodness, that's very intrusive of her! It would be an entirely different matter if she'd asked first, or if you'd asked her to do it, but she's definitely overstepping boundaries!

Tell her straight that you would prefer if she gave it up as you have no desire to know more about your father's family than you already do, thank you.

KimmySchmidt1 · 22/01/2018 13:22

It is extraordinarily rude to do someone else’s family tree against their wishes and even rider when they are dead and can’t object!!!!

Tell your DP to put a complete stop to it pronto on pain of going non-contact.

It seems to me like a very passive aggressive thing to do and she needs it drummed into her if she can’t see how rude it is.

SharonMott · 22/01/2018 13:32

There's a staggering amount of information accessible online though. she would not need cooperation from you OP to find out an immense amount about your family. I was laid up last summer and actually found out who my half brother's father was. When and how he was killed, how many brothers and sisters and their names, parents names, the house he was born in and where he is buried. I have put my brother in touch with his family (with his permission)and it's worked out OK but I know an incredible amount about my Bro's family history, good and bad from my two weeks research online. Ditto my DH. His family are part Irish but moved to Ireland from York originally. I have seen old court records and copies of ledgers where fines have been levied to his family. She is bang out of order if she pushes on with this against your will. It's really intrusive. I have discovered DH parents weren't married when he was born. He had no idea. Luckily he laughed but.....YANBU