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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with this MIL situation

57 replies

cafcesque · 22/01/2018 12:36

So my MIL casually mentioned that she had started doing my dad's family tree.
My dad died 4 years ago and never met my MIL. Also my dad had gone NC with his family. I never knew them they were not interested in me or my sibling.

I told her I wasn't interested and not to mention it to my mum as it would really upset her. She couldn't understand and went on about it for a bit. I just said look you can't pick your family can you?

I think that was it. But it's now eating away at me. I don't want her nosing into my family. I know that my dad had another family (much older than me) but there was complete break of ties with them and I don't want MIL finding all this out. It's none of her business.
How can I reiterate with her to not do any more investigation without it be becoming a big thing? Should I ask dp to have a word (He knows the whole story)?

OP posts:

SharonMott · 22/01/2018 13:33

Sorry - to clarify. DBro's Dad was a GI in the war which was why I said he was killed. Sounds bad otherwise.

onalongsabbatical · 22/01/2018 13:34

I can understand why you're upset. Trouble is if info is somewhere in the public domain, you can't actually stop her.
Look at it like this, OP - do you ever look at people's stuff on facebook without their permission? How would you feel if someone said - I forbid you to look at my facebook history?
You can choose not to help and you can make it known you disapprove, but if she can legally find things out, in the end, it's her choice. People see it as a hobby. So, if you feel strongly, all you can do is threaten her with personal consequences. And it's still her choice.
It's social history actually, no-one owns it. If they did it wouldn't be available.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/01/2018 13:40

Might be better to point out to her that you can't stop her but none of your family will co operate and none of you want to hear about it.

Because there is information in the public domain, and no one 'owns' this information.

lalalalyra · 22/01/2018 13:48

She's going to put herself in tricky positions if she does people's family trees without their express permission. She's got no right to land the surprises you find in genealogy on people without asking.

I do it. One of my friends was always saying how she'd like to get hers done one day. I started it for a big birthday for her and found out something I wish I didn't. I bought her a hot air balloon trip for her birthday and I'll never do another tree unless I'm asked specifically ever again.

I'd tell your MIL very bluntly, or better still get your DH to do it, that you do not want your tree done. If I was your DH I'd be telling my mother to respect my wife's wishes in very firm way.

overthetop2 · 22/01/2018 13:48

Is she doing this to be kind or helpful? Or do you think she may be doing it because she knows there is a bit of gossip or scandal? Or because she wants to cause a bit of friction or unhappiness for you? Has she given you that vibe before? It's a possibility. I have a jealous MIL who likes to put me down.

If it's for negative reasons, I would just not mention the family tree stuff again and hope she loses interest or does not get very far. Her main motivation would be to get a rise out of you or cause you some embarrassment, or to prove her family is better, etc.

If she mentions anything about it, I'd calmly push it away with a comment like - "I'm really not interested in that side of the family. My Dad had no contact with them". Don't give her any reason to think that you care one little bit. She will soon get bored if she's having no affect.

MrsDilber · 22/01/2018 13:50

She's probably signed up to Ancestry and thinks she's doing you a favour, which she's not.

It's an interesting hobby to some. You did the right thing in telling her to back off and it's fair enough that you find it intrusive. Be prepared for if she approaches you about it again.

My sister is really into all this and she'll say, "let's go 200 miles and find the house our great, great whoever, used to live in", I don't see enough of my family that's alive, to give a monkeys about those who are dead.

rocketgirl22 · 22/01/2018 13:51

wow I wouldnt like it either. Way too intrusive and a breach of your privacy. It is simply not her place to be rooting around in your past without your permission - and worse still because you have been quite clear you don't want her to.

Tell dp to tell her nicely but firmly no. Dp needs to warn her off, and remind her of boundaries.

Jeez you are going to have your work cut out with her

EggsonHeads · 22/01/2018 13:54

This is something that your husband should be dealing with. His mother. His problem.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/01/2018 13:58

Agree that you need to sound puzzled and bored for yourselves - nothing interesting to find out, we never had contact with them etc., and far as I know Dad's original surname wasn't XXX but something else, his family were definitely from XXX (lie lie) and I think it might have been Jones (lie lie) -etc. Throw her off but also sound bored, not alarmed.

Make the focus the fact that there's never been contact, your dad left and your mum would be really upset if she knew MIL were 'adding' this side of what isn't even her family to their 'tree' (this is how MIL will see it - it's her family too now - her grandson's other granded). Drop heavy hints that if MIL were to do this, you and DP would not take her side if there were a family fall out due to MIL's insensitivity - causing offence for so little - just some people we don't even know. Which could have a knock on effect on how much she sees you all...

And definitely suggest that she get involved with local history projects instead. 'Why wouldn't you get into that? You could contribute to actual geneaology projects MIL, even publications, they're always looking for local volunteers, you could get into researching some properly interesting people!'

But yes, she might dig anyway and you'd be none the wiser. Definitely tell her a fake original surname and age for your Dad, then if she unearths secrets - 'But that can't be him, five years too young, has the surname but not the original surname and from a different town - and with a different set of children? - err think you've got that wrong MIL.'

BMW6 · 22/01/2018 14:01

Wow what a peculiar person she is!

Heartoffire · 22/01/2018 14:03

If she wants the go stead she will just don’t cooperate or seem interested. She sounds incredibly thick skinned and very silly. Ignore the whole thing. She probably will stop if she sees she’s not getting to you.

milliemolliemou · 22/01/2018 14:09

Certificates are public records which was the whole point of them. Just hope she can't dig back - but she can do it online. I'd just leave her be after telling her once more you'd prefer her to leave your family alone. Like others I think if you're persistent she'll smell a rat and try to hunt it down.

Mrsmadevans · 22/01/2018 14:10

It is a massive invasion of your privacy, yadnbu OP.
Get DH involved he should be able to put a stop to it.

Lashalicious · 22/01/2018 14:13

“You can’t pick your family can you?”

What a smart ass remark to make to you, op. Look her in the eye yourself, with your dp standing next to you, and tell her “Stop your meddling into my family.” Dp then says, “Do you understand? No family tree, she doesn’t want it.”

Lashalicious · 22/01/2018 14:15

She sounds awful! I don’t get why she’s trying to do your family tree to begin with, it sounds like she wants to compare yours and hers for some odd reason, otherwise I’d think she wanted to do it for the gc or to do something nice for you, but her behavior makes me think she’s being an ass.

diddl · 22/01/2018 14:27

I think if you don't want her to do a tree to give to you/tell you anything then that's fair enough.

I don't think that that will stop her looking into it though.

lalalalyra · 22/01/2018 14:27

It's impossible to do English trees without certificates before you hit the 1901 census so hopefully she's not daft enough to spend £££ on a tree no-one wants done.

lalalalyra · 22/01/2018 14:28

(If you don't have someone to tell you the information I mean)

KERALA1 · 22/01/2018 14:38

An ex did it and found that his great grandmother was a prostitute. So its not always "nice"

lalalalyra · 22/01/2018 15:28

An ex did it and found that his great grandmother was a prostitute. So its not always "nice"

It's also really quite common to find an illegitimate child or two.

My Gr-Granny was a really prim, strict catholic woman... Was very glad that I didn't find the details of the two children she had pre-marriage until after my Nana died. They weren't her aunts - they were her sisters. That wouldn't have been easy news to share!

scottishdiem · 22/01/2018 15:35

I have done a bit of my tree and it covers both sides of my parents family and a smidgen DPs but that was due to DP being from Zimbabwe so not much available online. But I did cover both sides of my family. I can see why, if she was going down the way to kids and grand kids why she is wanting to show the complete picture for her kids and grand kids.

It will be interesting to see if OP will think its rude if her kids in the future want to fill in the gaps being left out on purpose.

BurningGubbins · 22/01/2018 15:50

My MIL did this too, except she told me by casually dropping my grandmother’s maiden name into conversation (we have a few unusual names in the family). I am a very private person and like you found it intrusive. She could tell by the look on my face that she had crossed the line but I was also clear that I didn’t want it pursued. I suspect that made no difference but she has never mentioned it again.

annandale · 22/01/2018 16:03

I think family history can tell you a lot about the people who do it, e.g. I have more than one relative who likes to write 'complete' family trees but they have never included any adopted children on these trees. Tbh they would find it odd that this might even be questioned as it's all about 'blood' to them. I studied history but this sort of sanctioned snobbery or nosiness rarely has historical value IMO.

Original poster

cafcesque · 22/01/2018 16:08

Scottishdiem I would have no problem if my child did this investigation but she's 2 and that will be a long way off. Furthermore it will be her grandparents so her right.
Also my mum will probably be out of the picture by then.

I personally see no point in dragging up the past particularly when I know there isn't a happy ending.

Thanks for all your messages

OP posts:

RaspberryRippleCrisps · 22/01/2018 16:46

I'm puzzled as to why she would want to do YOUR family tree.

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