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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That DP is a fuckwit

58 replies

Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:16

Every time we have a discussion ot argument he just leaves?!
We don’t live together and he’s a total conflict avoider. He’s lovely but every time we disagree - no matter how minor - he’ll either go to bed (at his house) or leave if we’re at mine.
It’s so fucking irritating and nothing gets resolved!
He had often gone months without speaking to a family member because of disagreements so this is what him and his do?
So often things aren’t resolved just brushed over and ignored.
I come from a family where we may have a heated discussion every now and then for a few minutes but then it’s done. We either fix it, come to a a compromise or agree to disagree but acknowledge it and move on.

What do you do when the other person won’t acknowledge or talk about an issue?

It’s so frustrating 😩😩😩

OP posts:
PiffleandWiffle · 21/01/2018 22:18

Maybe he's seen enough of your "heated arguments" & wants no part of them?

Stupidwife · 21/01/2018 22:19

How long have you been together?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/01/2018 22:19

His way is hardly better!

I think it shows you have a massive mismatch.

OverTheParapet · 21/01/2018 22:21

Tell him if he walks off rather than work it out you won't be hanging around.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:22

I say “heated arguments” they last 2 mins tops it’s more “you’ve annoyed me because xzy” “ok I disagree but sorry if I’ve offended... let’s all have tea”

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Original poster
Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:22

Been together 2.5 years

OP posts:
DriggleDraggle · 21/01/2018 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:23

Yeah the walking away I find offensive... it’s almost as if I say anything is bothering me he disregards it

OP posts:
Kursk · 21/01/2018 22:27

DH hates confrontation. He will go quiet when we argue because he says that he cannot verbally communicate his feelings as well as I can, and can’t argue as well as I can. Therefore for him it’s a pointless experience.

Beamur · 21/01/2018 22:29

YANBU but you basically have incompatible ways of dealing with disagreements.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:29

Kursk I think that is the case a bit with my DP.
How do you deal with it? How do you resolve things?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 21/01/2018 22:30

My DH is a conflict avoider, especially if the climate isn't right to talk about things (ie it's late at night, we're on our way out etc). It definitely comes from within his family, all of whom ignore rather than address issues.

We compromise by agreeing we need to talk about X and choosing a time to do so (say Saturday morning or after we've met X for coffee or whatever) and then we put a pin in it and act as normal until then. It was really weird for me at first but it actually really works and has been very useful for us both, not least because it gives us both a chance to calm down and reflect before we talk.

Kursk · 21/01/2018 22:35

The answer is it’s not a argument if one side is expecting to loose every time. You have to stay calm, don’t get pissed off.

I find that if I am polite, and calm and non confrontational it works.

Most emotional discussions that we have are around a camp fire after a few beers.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:37

My problem is I can’t act like normal if something is bothering me. My emotions and thoughts show on my face and in my behaviour.
The pros of this are that I could never cheat, or tell a big lie, I’m a very open book sort of person.
The cons are that I would be a shit poker player and I can’t hide my feelings if they’re bubbling under the surface.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:40

Kursk that’s how I try to be. I’m not always successful but I try to stay calm. I think I’m pretty chilled out in general and very rational.
But my problem is he just doesn’t seem to acknowledge I’m upset. I must be “overreacting” and then he’ll either agree with me in a very fake way because he can’t he arsed with a discussion or he’ll totally disregard what I’m saying.
So nothing ever changes, nothing is ever resolved

OP posts:
strangerhoesagain · 21/01/2018 22:41

Maybe he doesn’t want to be with someone who calls him a fuckwit and has repeated heated arguments with. I wouldn’t.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/01/2018 22:43

If that's not changeable for you; and his conflict resolution style is unlikely to be changeable to such an extreme, you might just be incompatible.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/01/2018 22:44

A short heated argument has to be better than someone who walks off and goes to bed and sulks for months.

Kursk · 21/01/2018 22:47

It is difficult. With my DH he does the same thing he goes quiet and avoids the discussion because he doesn’t know how to respond to me in that moment.

I have found that It is frustrating but if you loose it you loose the argument.

DoinItForTheKids · 21/01/2018 22:47

Op it sounds like BOTH of you need to change, not just him.

NewYearNewMe18 · 21/01/2018 22:48

Walking away from conflict is not 'being a sulky mardarse'.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:48

stranger not repeated, I’ve had one heated argument in the last 2 years with my brother but it was resolved in 5 mins. Unlike my DP and his sister where neither spoke directly but avoided each other for 6 months ruining his mother’s birthday plans and not taking whilst they picked up their respective children on the same playground - they’re cousins??? How awkward for the kids?
I’ve never called him a fuckwit to his face... I’m just ranting anonymously to the MN audience

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Original poster
Winosaurus · 21/01/2018 22:49

Doinit tonight I just tried to talk about something that was bothering me, he said “I don’t want to discuss this” and left

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Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2018 22:52

Are you intending on having kids? Children can bring a lot of conflict into a relationship. I’d think seriously about whether this is the ltr for you. And if you do want to have children with a partner, who is on your wavelength, better to find someone else sooner rather than later.

If you don’t, perhaps that’s different. It’s just the two of you. I wouldn’t be with someone, who walks off like that and sulks for days. It would do nothing for my self esteem.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/01/2018 22:55

OK, firstly, just walk. No point in pursuing a relationship that is annoying you, and it sounds like you are incompatible.

Secondly, maybe have a think about how you handle conflict. People who make a big deal about how 'honest' and 'emotionally open' they are can often be absolute fucking nightmares who scream and howl and stamp their feet and think this makes them more authentic - and if your idea of 'addressing the issues' is to expect other people to sit and listen while you tell them about all their faults, then you may find that, well, other people would rather have your space than your company.