That DP is a fuckwit

[Winosaurus]

Every time we have a discussion ot argument he just leaves?!
We don’t live together and he’s a total conflict avoider. He’s lovely but every time we disagree - no matter how minor - he’ll either go to bed (at his house) or leave if we’re at mine.
It’s so fucking irritating and nothing gets resolved!
He had often gone months without speaking to a family member because of disagreements so this is what him and his do?
So often things aren’t resolved just brushed over and ignored.
I come from a family where we may have a heated discussion every now and then for a few minutes but then it’s done. We either fix it, come to a a compromise or agree to disagree but acknowledge it and move on.

What do you do when the other person won’t acknowledge or talk about an issue?

It’s so frustrating 😩😩😩

So after he's walked out, who then gets in contact first? And do you both pretend nothing happened and just carry on?

It is often a method of control (intentional or otherwise), where the apparent conflict avoider ends up getting their own way.

Of course, we are all different, but any relationship where somebody calls the shots by avoidance/actually physically withdrawing or leaving (unless there is abuse involved) is unhealthy. How will this work if/when you live together/have DC. If you are frustrated now imagine how you will feel then.

I'm not advocating screaming arguments btw, there are various suggestion (a few above, such as agreeing a time to discuss any issue), but one person calling the shots like this, and imposing their will on another is unhealthy.

It sounds to me like you would really benefit from a relationship counsellor who can teach you both some communication tools that would work for you both.

I had an ex like this and he used to do silent treatment as well because he 'didn't want to say something he'd regret'. It was an unhealthy and exhausting relationship all about his needs and wants. YANBU. I met my husband shortly after and it's totally better, easier and happier relationships- we don't argue but because we communicate well and listen to each other calmly.

I think that not engaging when it's obvious that the other partner wants to discuss is quite a nasty thing to do. He must know you need to 'have things out' but it's clear from his behaviour that he doesn't care if that's how you feel, he doesn't care if you are feeling bad, angry, guilty, confused.
Ponder that.
What other aspects of your life does he feel that way.

His behaviour is unhealthy but I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who called me a 'fuckwit' - there's not much respect left, is there?

My DP is like this to some extent. We rarely have any disagreements or problems but when we did they left us very upset due to the polar opposite ways in which we dealt with them.

He gets overwhelmed with the emotions I used to show when I wanted to 'clear the air'. He too felt like he couldn't 'compete' in an argument, he takes too long to find the words, finds using emotional language hard work and hates confrontation. He also then ends up saying not much at all and looking blank (I used to think it was disinterest and unemotional) as he doesn't want to say anything in case it's the wrong thing. He would withdraw or sit there mutely whilst I would try and explain why I was upset or disagreeing etc.

With time and increasing trust he has gradually been able to explain what goes through his head when I get emotional and he gets overloaded, overwhelmed and confused by it. He worries less about getting it wrong and our conflict resolution styles are getting more in tune with each other. He 'lets' me be emotional and talkative about the stuff that bothers me. I 'let' him be silent and don't press for responses and talk back from him. He 'gives' me the space to vent a bit and the hugs that I sometimes want immediately after my emotions have left me a bit vulnerable. I 'give' him the chance to have quiet time and physical space he needs after my emotions have overwhelmed him.
Increasingly I have realised my pressing need to 'clear the air' and resolve things doesn't trump his need to wait and see if things may sort themselves out anyway.

Reading these words in a relationship book really helped me

1. Does this need to be said.
2. Does this need to be said by me.
3. Does this need to be said by me NOW

Usually, for me, the answer is no. Just cutting down on the stuff I feel driven to discuss and try and control has been a great help. This means when I do want to 'discuss' something I know it's important and worthwhile to me and he appreciates that so is more open to joining in now. It's working for us and I'm learning to stop trying to micromanage things and him.

Don't forget that it can also be abusive to insist on continuing an argument when the other person has had enough. If you follow him around, bleating, when he's busy/preoccupied then no wonder he either goes to bed or leaves your house. If you get angry and shout then he's quite possibly being reasonable in removing himself from the situation.

What remains is the same problem: you and he are not compatible, so it's time to move on.