That DP is a fuckwit

[Winosaurus]

Every time we have a discussion ot argument he just leaves?!
We don’t live together and he’s a total conflict avoider. He’s lovely but every time we disagree - no matter how minor - he’ll either go to bed (at his house) or leave if we’re at mine.
It’s so fucking irritating and nothing gets resolved!
He had often gone months without speaking to a family member because of disagreements so this is what him and his do?
So often things aren’t resolved just brushed over and ignored.
I come from a family where we may have a heated discussion every now and then for a few minutes but then it’s done. We either fix it, come to a a compromise or agree to disagree but acknowledge it and move on.

What do you do when the other person won’t acknowledge or talk about an issue?

It’s so frustrating 😩😩😩

You can’t be in a relationship where one person refuses to discuss anything. He’s not walking away from conflict, he’s walking away from discussing anything he doesn’t want to.

Honestly, I’d just end it.

It sounds as if you have TWO problems here.
One is that he doesn't like conflict and two is that he handles this by dismissing you.
He needs to be told that doesn't fly.

But you need to try to get to the bottom of why he reacts that way.
Is it because he doesn't care about your upset/anger/opinion, or is he intimidated when you lose your temper?
I think this makes a difference as to whether you can resolve this and work together or if you need to consider that he's nor the one for you.

OP I’d seriously consider couples counselling and if this was unsuccessful, ending the relationship. One cannot get through life without discord and he has his head in the sand if he feels he can sustain a long term relationship or establish a family while he continues to walk away in this manner. OP you will be driven to consider murder and/or be driven insane

Why don't you two live together if you have been together for 2.5 years? What age are you? If he can go months without speaking to his family members then expect the same for you. You better get used to the silent treatment if you want to stay with him. You can't change him only he can do that.

Walking away from conflict is not 'being a sulky mardarse'.

Coupled wih no speaking o your sibling for 6 monhs and ruining your mohers birhday as a resul, I would say ha yes i is.

Not liking arguments is understandable, but not dealing with disagreements of any kind in any way isnt. It is more destructive in the long run. One big row v 6 months of avoiding/ignoring/sulking? I know which I would rather live with.

I would throw this one back.

Definitely walk. He uses avoidance to deal with stuff, or, of course, to not deal with stuff. Utterly infuriating over time, and depressing if bigger issues come up and aren't dealt with.

If he can't handle the tiniest amount of conflict, how do you get your needs met? I'm guessing you don't.

How about writing him a letter or list of points. It maybe that he is just slow (slower than you) at processing info he hears, he might be better at processing it if it is written down. Then he could have a chance to marshall his thoughts and respond, either verbally or written. If that works, maybe you can progress from there?

Honestly, just leave. Couple-counselling is nearly always an expensive waste of time, and trying to persuade a man who dislikes arguments to take part in it is a total non-starter.

You don't live together, you don't have DC and you are not happy with the relationship. Why expend any more effort on it?

Its actually very controlling and manipulative isnt it?

He "doesnt want to discuss this" so you dont/cant. And he never gets criticised, never gets called on anything and you learn to keep your trap shut and put up with whatever shit he pulls because you know that he will never discuss it with you!

Its either "do it my way or leave", no compromise or middle ground.

Get rid. But, and I never say this normally, do it by letter. You will never get the chance to say what you want to say, to explain why you are finishing with him as he will simply leave.

So NOTHING gets resolved? Ever? So it builds up and builds up and when it all explodes out he strolls off and leaves you abandoned with a big emotional mess!!??
I had an ex like this once. Very small silly things would build up for ages and then he'd walk out calling me emotional. I'd feel so lonely and abandoned I'd bury everything to be the perfect cool rational girlfriend again so he'd come back. He eventually left me and I was heartbroken. I know!! God I was a mess with him.

I don’t lose my temper - I don’t raise my voice or act aggressive. He tried to leave whilst I was talking to him about things that bothered me and I asked him to stay to discuss it but he said “My head is pickled” and implied I hadn’t let him talk. I said “Please talk to me about this, I’ll stay silent until you’ve said your piece” but he said “no I don’t want tl talk about it, I’m going home”
Then he left?

Slane no. Nothing. Ever.
We rarely have disagreements... maybe 5 time’s in 2.5 years? But he refuses to talk about it then acts all nicey nice afterwards so I end up just letting it go.
But nothing gets resolved and nothing changes.
I feel like he has this HUGE gigantic rug that he sweeps everything under.

The situation with his sister for example never was resolved. They just dropped it at the insistence of their Mum and other sister. It was weird they went from sheer anger at each other to just seeing each other and pretending it never happened? It’s bizarre to me

My problem is I can’t act like normal if something is bothering me. My emotions and thoughts show on my face and in my behaviour.

Me too. I had a 7 year (living together) relationship like this. Exactly like this. He stonewalled me every single time I had any issue, minor or major. All that served to do was make me so utterly frustrated that I eventually blew up and really shouted at him. An accumulation of small things became massive. At that point, it was over. I left. Neither of us wanted to live like that but we couldn't get past it - he wasn't willing to even try, albeit I don't doubt that he loved me. He just couldn't communicate with me. He married a year after I left so I assume he met someone totally different and more compatible.

I'm really, really happy now, with someone who is mature enough to acknowledge we need to talk, even if it's not right away although we don't often disagree (probably half a dozen times). We're getting married in June and it feels right.

Oh, and I meant to say - save yourself the years of inevitable frustration and ultimately heartbreak and let him go. He'll promise to talk and will probably write his feelings, but it won't help in the long term.

In some small way, I still love my ex even though I left. Sometimes things just don't work out. We should have stayed friends...

He invalidates your feelings and I predict it will get worse.I believe this relates to his hyper sensitivity to any perceived criticism.

Also he doesn't want to discuss because it might mean he has to compromise or change to consider your feelings.
Think about his payoff for this behaviour?

Refusing to discuss is stonewalling and highly destructive for the reasons you gave, nothing gets resolved to YOUR satisfaction so at some stage you may explode with frustration and them he doesn't have to listen to you .because you are "crazy".

Look up passive aggressive behaviour.

Bollocks to that he’s not avoiding confrontation he just likes his life the way he likes it and doesn’t wish to accomadate your feelings about stuff

Bollocks to that he’s not avoiding confrontation he just likes his life the way he likes it and doesn’t wish to accomadate your feelings about stuff

Short, to the point and 100% accurate.

It's not he can't handle conflict, he chooses to shut dissention down. His family bury things and don't deal with things at all. It's a dishonest way of living and does not make for a healthy relationship.
You should split.

My XP was like this. He's an ex for good reason and I left him. He used to like to brag that we didn't argue, but the reality was he just shut me down constantly. What started as him just walking away, going to bed, became gaslighting and accusations that I was hysterical in order to justify his hitting me ("I only hit you because you were hysterical") when I can see now that the gaslighting and violence was because his other methods of shutting me down weren't working.

(And before anyone accuses me of nagging him - he had taken loans out for his business, as well as taking my money and we had bailiffs after us. My duscussions wth him were along the lines of "Can we srt the finances out please?")

Honestly OP, if he can't deal with things like a grown up I would advise you to get far away from the man.

My Dh is like this. We have loads of unresolved issues as he can't cope with any discussion. All 'discussions' go the same way.
If I could go back in time, I would not marry him. He won't/can't change

I only read your first post, but trust me when I say to end it now and don't look back.

OP. Same here with dd's father.
I think it's because he represses and has repressed a LOT of things in his life and when he gets angry enough to argue, the floodgates crack and he mentions those other issues, even though they are irrelevant. He just can't deal with life, he hides his head in the sand and after doing that for YEARS, stuff builds up!
Does your DP have other similar traits, like bad with money, a bit obsessive with collecting, almost hoarder like with throwing things away? Pie in the sky ideas for business ventures? Just a general avoider of reality?
(I've made DD's dad sound terrible and yes, his neuroses are one big reason I'm not with him, but day to day, he's very laid back and kind, can't manage his own life, but very nice to others).
I had a breakthrough the other day though. He was about to run away after a brief argument but I got him to stay by saying our DD should see us resolve something and be friendly again and we gradually talked it out. I'm hoping this will happen in future. In the past I've resorted to emailing him about issues to give him time to digest in private before replying.