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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inappropriate use of 'step-mam'

66 replies

DusktilDawn · 18/01/2018 16:02

Mum died 5 years ago when I was 22. Dad moved on and is due to re-marry this year. We all get along now (haven't always), but twice, dad's gf has referred to herself as 'mam' or 'step-mam'.

I find it really uncomfortable and have told my dad about it once. He agreed that it was inappropriate but she's done it again today.

Am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
MyBoysAndI · 18/01/2018 16:05

Well... that's what she is. She'll be your step-mother

MikeUniformMike · 18/01/2018 16:06

I would definitely refuse to call her 'mam'. She isn't your stepmother yet. I would call her by her first name.
You are not being oversensitive.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 18/01/2018 16:06

I'm 99% sure she's saying it to wind me up.

OP posts:
DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 18/01/2018 16:08

I'm 99% sure she's saying it to wind me up.

So ignore it. Don’t give her the reaction she wants.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 18/01/2018 16:08

if you're 27, you don't need a replacement mother figure or a stepmother.
Just call her Doris
(even if that's not her name)

Puppymouse · 18/01/2018 16:10

It's taken many years but I now refer to my parents' other halves as step mum/step dad. Even though I was early twenties when my parents split. I never call them mum or dad, only to strangers in generic conversation to save any awkwardness. My step dad is only about seven years older than DH so never been a parent figure as such. But is a very hands on grandpa now.

expatinscotland · 18/01/2018 16:10

Ignore. They're not married, so she's [Forename].

x2boys · 18/01/2018 16:11

Well she will technically e your step mother but at 27 you don't have to call her anything but her name ,do you have children if so what do they call her?

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 18/01/2018 16:12

My 3 year old dd just uses her forename. I'm not comfortable with her being grandma or whatever.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/01/2018 16:15

'Well she will technically e your step mother'

No, she isn't. Not until they marry. I'd have my child just call her by her forename. If she insists on Grandma, I'd just keep calling her by her forename.

x2boys · 18/01/2018 16:22

Fair enough I had a step Grandad who I adored he married my Grandma just before I was born he was always Grandad and I still miss him 20 odd years later my mum's dad had died though when she was a child .

x2boys · 18/01/2018 16:22

Fair enough I had a step Grandad who I adored he married my Grandma just before I was born he was always Grandad and I still miss him 20 odd years later my mum's dad had died though when she was a child .

Wolfiefan · 18/01/2018 16:22

She's not a gf. She's a fiancé and will be your step mother.

Deshasafraisy · 18/01/2018 16:22

I call my stepmom by her first name but my children call her nan.
You might not like her but for your dads sake you should try and tolerate her in your family, he won’t enjoy any ill feelings.

Chienrouge · 18/01/2018 16:23

My dad is marrying someone 3 years older than me this year. I get on with her fine but not a chance in hell I’ll be calling her ‘step mum’! My children call her by her first name.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 18/01/2018 16:27

If you all get along, perhaps you could try and put yourself in her place and wonder why she might want to refer to herself as step-mum or your DCs' 'grandma'. The feeling of being an outsider in someone else's family never quite goes away, even when the DCs are grown up and have families of their own.

No doubt she is expected to spend time with you and your DD/DCs and so to have a relationship with them that is meaningful and on a par with her husband it makes sense that she takes on a grandma role. It seems sad to me that you'd rather she remains 'grandad's wife or Doris' instead of letting your DD see her as another grandparent.

TBH this is one of the things that puts me off getting together full time with my DP. People keep saying that once the DCs are all grown up things will change, but apparently they won't - I'll still be getting "you're not my mum" from his adult DDs and "you're not my grandma" from their DCs! I will no doubt be expected to babysit for 'grandchildren' who aren't allowed to see me as equal to DP, but some add-on who isn't part of the family.

I'm afraid I think you are being oversensitive. Unless your dad's new wife is actually mean to you or your DD you need to get over it. She's not trying to replace your mum, I know its hard, both my parents are dead and I miss them too, but your dad deserves to be happy and his new wife is the one he has chosen. For your dad's sake if not hers, you need to make her feel welcome as part of your family.

Lovemusic33 · 18/01/2018 16:27

My mum remarried last year and I call her new partner my ‘step dad’ because that’s what he is, he’s not a replacement dad, when I’m talking about him I refer to him as step dad, if I’m talking to him I call him by his name and so do my children. Do what you feel comfortable with.

Rachie1973 · 18/01/2018 16:28

Deshasafraisy
I call my stepmom by her first name but my children call her nan.
You might not like her but for your dads sake you should try and tolerate her in your family, he won’t enjoy any ill feelings.

Like my stepkids :) They call me by name, but their children call me Nanna.

x2boys · 18/01/2018 16:28

I said will ,expat I realise she isn't yet but that's a legal term and the op and her child can call her whatever they wish.

crrrzy · 18/01/2018 16:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

NKFell · 18/01/2018 16:31

I was a step mam, and still am actually although I'm no longer with her Dad.

I think it's always down to the child (or adult in this case) so if I don't think she has the right to call herself that, it's really up to you.

Just keep calling her by her name and try your best to ignore it. Try not to let it hurt your feelings.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/01/2018 16:32

She's not your step-mum even if they do marry. She's not going to be bringing you up, she will be your father's wife and you can just call her by her first name.

Ignore every reference - and if she does try to get your child to call her 'grandma' or some such, just gently correct your daughter with her first name - or one that you agree and are comfortable with.

Too much familiarity. I don't understand why some people are just desperate for labels.

crrrzy · 18/01/2018 16:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Winosaurus · 18/01/2018 16:36

Can I ask why you think she’s saying it to “wind you up?”

Beamur · 18/01/2018 16:37

I am a step parent and my DSC have always called me by my name and that's fine.
I also have a step mother and I either call her by her name, or if I talk about her I'm more comfortable with calling her my Dads wife.
It's what you feel comfortable with (and hopefully polite!)