Inappropriate use of 'step-mam'

[DusktilDawn]

Mum died 5 years ago when I was 22. Dad moved on and is due to re-marry this year. We all get along now (haven't always), but twice, dad's gf has referred to herself as 'mam' or 'step-mam'.

I find it really uncomfortable and have told my dad about it once. He agreed that it was inappropriate but she's done it again today.

Am I being oversensitive?

Also many of us stepmums would never in a million years want to be referred to as step
Mum or mum or whatever. I'd much rather my step kids didn't exist!!

It must hurt so much Op that your mum never met your daughter & never had the chance to be a GM to her.

Perhaps your daughter could call her Gran/Nan first name?

I think if she wants to refer to herself as "step mum" that's OK, but she can't expect you to call her that imo.

Yanbu
She isn't your mother or a mother figure. Ignore her and call her by her first name.

My mum died last year, and while she had told my dad she’d be happy for him to remarry after she died (I’m pretty certain he won’t, his own dad didn’t) there is not a cat in hell’s chance my kids would be calling another woman Grannie. Never.

I’m not sure why posters are suggesting to OP that she could let her child call the new wife Nana/gran. Why? Her Mum is the bairn’s grannie, not this new woman. It’s up to OP, nobody else.

OP I’m sorry about your Mum

Perhaps you could remind her how devastating it was to lose your mum and you don’t take the ‘stepmam’ word Lightly as a result. She seems cheeky and a bit disrespectful.

I think she's saying it to wind me up because the last time she said it I had a word with my dad and she couldn't understand why it had upset me and then was mad at my dad for 'taking my side

She's from Barnsley which is why it's 'mam'

We called our Stepmum by her first name. She was always Doris to us. She died unexpectedly still rather young and me, my Dsis and our Dad still miss her dearly.

The ExHs GF is referred to as stepmum when talking about her, otherwise DCs refer to her as Doris. She is kind, and firm when needed when their Dad isn't around/at work. She even bought the DCs a Christmas present herself (separately from ExH). It just made me think how well she knows the DCs as she bought them both their favourite things and I appreciated how much thought she had put into the presents. In many years to come, she will probably be known as nanny / mamma / grandma / nanna Doris by any GDCs.

I do understand what you mean OP. My Mum calls her SM Mum, I dont know why but I find it disrespectful. I think it is just the era we grow up in. So maybe that's why you dont like it? If you don't want to call her your stepmam then don't. Keep calling her Doris.

If she insists that you call her mam why not do as she says, like mammywammywoo,or elongate the a to call her ma'am

You should call her what you feel comfortable calling her (as long as it’s not rude)

My dad met his partner when I was mid teens (I’m 32 now), they’re not married. I lived with them for a while when I was at uni, I really like her and refer to her as my stepmum and her kids as my stepsiblings if I’m talking about them. I call them by their names if I’m talking to them or to my dad about them.

My mum met her partner when I was in my 20s, long after I’d moved out. They’re not married but have lived together for years. I really like him and he’s one of the nicest men I know. I call him by his name or as my mums partner if I’m talking about him though. I guess cause I’ve never lived with him maybe?

Boxingday I'm really not sure how there could be a different definition of step mum. My pp was from the Oxford Dictionary. Collins was similar if not the same definition.

My ex remarried a few years ago. My DD is an adult with a school age child. DD has only met the new wife twice and new wife announced that she would be known as 'nanny' ( vom) to GC. DD totally unimpressed as 1) Very unlikely to see the new wife on regular basis due to other circumstances
2) She hates the word Nan / Nanny and said so.
3) Ex and new wife now send cards from Grandpa and Nanny but she sends cards back to 'Grandpa and new wife's name'
IMO it's not up to your DF's GF to announce what she is to you. She's never going to be your Step Mam

My DF met his DW when I was an adult. I call her by her name, but if I'm talking about her I call her my step-mum. This wasn't the case early on, I believe at one point I called her "my dads wife" but she has earned the title of step-mum (and granny to my DC) She should definitely take your lead on what she is called.

Yeah, that's very inappropriate. She's not your mother, step or otherwise and never will be. She didn't raise you and won't because you are already an adult. She is just your father's second wife to you.

My mum got together with her partner when I was about 25. He’s not done any parenting so he’s not my step dad. Ridiculous to think she would be your step mum OP I’m totally with you!

Honestly I’d just ignore her tantrums about it. If she brings it up just look at her and say she’s not your step mum. She’s your father’s wife. Sorry if she feels slighted but you feel offended that she feels she has earned the parent title despite not doing any parenting of you.

My mum remarried at 68. The thought of calling her husband my step-dad does make me laugh as I'm 40 and it just sounds odd.

My parents separated and found new partners when I was in my early twenties. Neither are my step-parents as neither have done any parenting of me.

I think there's a touch of ageism to one or two posts here, if the OP was 42 when her dad met the new woman I doubt anyone would be agreeing with her self imposed title.