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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate use of 'step-mam'

66 replies

DusktilDawn · 18/01/2018 16:02

Mum died 5 years ago when I was 22. Dad moved on and is due to re-marry this year. We all get along now (haven't always), but twice, dad's gf has referred to herself as 'mam' or 'step-mam'.

I find it really uncomfortable and have told my dad about it once. He agreed that it was inappropriate but she's done it again today.

Am I being oversensitive?

OP posts:
Boxingdaydisappoints · 18/01/2018 16:37

The dictionary term for stepmother is your father's partner or wife. So technically she is already your stepmother, what you choose to call her is up to you.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 16:43

Yanbu. In my view, your mother brought you up. You're no longer a child, so don't require mothering. For both reasons no 'mother' vacancy exists.

Of course the mother of an adult child is always their mother but, for the same reason adoption of adults does not exist, new maternal roles cannot be created for adult 'children'.

You could in time choose to refer to her as a step-mum, if you wanted to but personally, I think that would imply she knew you as a child and had some role in your upbringing.

Boxingdaydisappoints · 18/01/2018 16:46

What a great post from @MyRelationshipIsWeird

I truly don't understand why stepmums are treated so badly on here. Most stepmums try very hard to fit into the family of their husband/partner despite many obstacles, none of which are of their making.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 16:46

Yanbu. In my view, your mother brought you up. You're no longer a child, so don't require mothering. For both reasons no 'mother' vacancy exists.

Of course the mother of an adult child is always their mother but, for the same reason adoption of adults does not exist, new maternal roles cannot be created for adult 'children'.

You could in time choose to refer to her as a step-mum, if you wanted to but personally, I think that would imply she knew you as a child and had some role in your upbringing.

Boxingdaydisappoints · 18/01/2018 16:46

What a great post from @MyRelationshipIsWeird

I truly don't understand why stepmums are treated so badly on here. Most stepmums try very hard to fit into the family of their husband/partner despite many obstacles, none of which are of their making.

Boxingdaydisappoints · 18/01/2018 16:46

What a great post from @MyRelationshipIsWeird

I truly don't understand why stepmums are treated so badly on here. Most stepmums try very hard to fit into the family of their husband/partner despite many obstacles, none of which are of their making.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 16:46

Yanbu. In my view, your mother brought you up. You're no longer a child, so don't require mothering. For both reasons no 'mother' vacancy exists.

Of course the mother of an adult child is always their mother but, for the same reason adoption of adults does not exist, new maternal roles cannot be created for adult 'children'.

You could in time choose to refer to her as a step-mum, if you wanted to but personally, I think that would imply she knew you as a child and had some role in your upbringing.

x2boys · 18/01/2018 16:46

I suppose I'm technically a step mum to my dh daughter but because of various issues I didn't meet her for a long time and I feel awkward referring to her as a step daughter or me as step mum and she has a mum anyway so I just say my husband's daughter or my son's sister Confused

x2boys · 18/01/2018 16:46

I suppose I'm technically a step mum to my dh daughter but because of various issues I didn't meet her for a long time and I feel awkward referring to her as a step daughter or me as step mum and she has a mum anyway so I just say my husband's daughter or my son's sister Confused

lottiegarbanzo · 18/01/2018 16:46

Yanbu. In my view, your mother brought you up. You're no longer a child, so don't require mothering. For both reasons no 'mother' vacancy exists.

Of course the mother of an adult child is always their mother but, for the same reason adoption of adults does not exist, new maternal roles cannot be created for adult 'children'.

You could in time choose to refer to her as a step-mum, if you wanted to but personally, I think that would imply she knew you as a child and had some role in your upbringing.

Reallytired17 · 18/01/2018 16:46

Mam makes me wince so YANBU for that alone!

Boxingdaydisappoints · 18/01/2018 16:47

What a great post from @MyRelationshipIsWeird

I truly don't understand why stepmums are treated so badly on here. Most stepmums try very hard to fit into the family of their husband/partner despite many obstacles, none of which are of their making.

LexieLulu · 18/01/2018 16:48

I'm in the same position as you, mother died almost 4 years ago and my father has a gf since (probably before my mum died tbh).

She's not my mum or step mum, she's not my kids nan.

I think it's different if your parents remarry, but it's the face your mum has died... no! I'm with you OP x

Bluelady · 18/01/2018 16:48

Been a step mum for 18 years now. We have lots of evil step mother banter. Or at least I assume that's what it is.

WunWun · 18/01/2018 16:48

Of course she won't be your step mother when they get married! You're a grown adult. She will be your dad's wife.

x2boys · 18/01/2018 16:49

Why does mumsnet keep double posting is there a problem?

Ellie56 · 18/01/2018 16:49

No you're not. In your position I would be raging. How dare she?

Tell her she's not your mam. Mam was the woman who brought you up and nobody else can replace her. And carry on calling her by her first name.

So sorry for your loss Dusk. My mum died nearly 5 years ago too. I still miss her.

Trinity66 · 18/01/2018 16:50

She's probably just excited about getting married to your dad, why would she want to wind you up?

MidnightAura · 18/01/2018 16:51

Actually the dictionary definition of step mother is "a woman who has married one's father after the the death of divorce of one's mother"

Technically she's not your step mother yet as they aren't married. Once they get married technically she will be. Technically I have a step mother but I never ever refer to her as such, I would call her by her name and I would just say she is my father's wife. She would not be granny to my children but that's because we are NC.

MidnightAura · 18/01/2018 16:51

Obviously she isn't your mum and she never will be.

HarrietSmith · 18/01/2018 16:55

My two stepchildren are in their late-twenties and although they are adults with jobs, I also see them as young people who are growing up in a tough world - who may still want a bit of help and support from the older generation. Sometimes the support is financial. Sometimes it's a hot meal and a listening ear.

Their own mother is alive of course. However, a year or so back she had some very serious health problems and I don't think the future prognosis is great. So the likelihood is that there's going to be a point, where they don't have a mother any more and I'll be the nearest thing they have. (Neither of them have any problem about referring to me as their step-mum.)

It is possible that your father's wife may be trying to say that she is ready to be a significant person in your life. You may not want her help and support now - but equally it is possible that in the future you might.

Beamur · 18/01/2018 16:56

You can still get on with your SM and not call them Mum, etc. It's easier with SC's as you just use their names, same as their parents do.
My Mum had a nice relationship with my DSC's and they just used her name.

SleepySheepy · 18/01/2018 17:04

It all comes down to whatever you are comfortable with - these things are hard enough without people imposing titles on themselves, I don't understand why they feel like they have to do it.
My mum died when I was 10 and my dad re-married when I was a teenager. As she has been there since DS was born she is Grandma to him, but she is my Dad's wife to me as she's not been a parental figure of any sort to me.
My DH has been an excellent step-dad to DS since he was around 3yo, DS calls him by his first name but does refer to him as his step-dad. That's totally fine and I've let him choose how he wants to approach it because he is the one in the most vulnerable position - I'd never make him call his step-dad 'Dad' for example, unless he felt himself that was what he wanted to do.
Unfortunately I've been on receiving end of a lot of crazy so I can be quite defensive with people trying to name themselves inappropriately - my Nan tried to refer to herself as my mother after my real mum died. Nobody really knows why, but it was very distressing for me and my sister.
Bottom line is, if you don't like it, you definitely don't have to call her by that name and it doesn't at all mean you're not being nice to her.

FurCoatFurKnickers · 18/01/2018 17:04

I knew someone who used to refer to her boyfriend's children as her stepchildren. They didn't even live together let alone plan to get married so I found it a bit odd.

Mind you, she was an absolute cunt and I think she probably did it to piss off his ex-wife.

Boxingdaydisappoints · 18/01/2018 17:27

Midnightaura it depends which dictionary you read!!