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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to LTB ( b*tch)

67 replies

illustrious · 18/01/2018 00:01

Xmas we had my family over for a few days ( they live in another country, got flights etc. ). Dates all agreed with DP beforehand. Curtailed because DP not keen on having people, even my family stay, more tolerant of own family. She was horrible to them when they were here, rude, ignoring - making sure they knew it was inconvenient - but we have enough room for everyone so that was not the issue. Just in a massive strop the whole time. Me, DC, DD and DB all got along fantastically and happy to be together. They help out, are tidy, etc. not a burden to have as guests. friends and neighbours over Xmas who saw them commented on how lucky we are to have them.
They left and she was like another person... sweet, cheerful.
So what do I do? no family had been here in 6 months because of this, I have gone there with DC. This can't go on. I feel like I'm being made not to see them and we are close ( given the geographic distance). Dreading suggesting the next time I even see them because I know it will be a massive strop - she doesn't want to go but doesn't want us to be away.
Suggestions? We have been together 10 years but this has been building over last3/4

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/01/2018 00:05

not a burden to have as guests

Not to you, but clearly to her.

Perhaps she’s like me; I hate house guests, find them all a burden, and it’s a very rare occasion I’ll permit someone to actually stay (whether my family or DH’s). I’m not outwardly rude, though, but I can’t help the fact that I’m clearly not comfortable when they’re here.

Why not compromise and have them stay in a hotel nearby? That way she gets her own space that isn’t invaded and your family is still near enough to see you.

condepetie · 18/01/2018 00:09

She doesn't like your family, or she doesn't like having them invade her home. What does she have to do differently when they're with you? More social interaction, more cooking, more cleaning? Talk to her about it.

Original poster
illustrious · 18/01/2018 00:13

To me having family in a hotel nearby ( we live in an expensive city) when we have 3 spare rooms here is insane. And I want to be with my family not have them 2 miles away. She will tolerate DD when he comes specifically to look after DC ( when we're away) but not of he's not 'needed'.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 18/01/2018 00:13

If you think your wife is a bitch, then I think you have your answer.

Personally I find houseguests are like fish...they go off after three days. However tidy and helpful they are.

Coastalcommand · 18/01/2018 00:18

She’s being unfair.

Original poster
illustrious · 18/01/2018 00:18

The LTB (b@tch) was supposed to indicated it's not a bloke as in leave the bastard! we are both women if it makes any difference... but no I wouldn't usually use that word for a woman.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/01/2018 00:18

Right, it might be “insane”, but surely your wife’s comfort is paramount; a marriage is about give and take. If you live in a city you need not exaggerate and have them be two miles away; they can be two minutes down the road.

You can be with your family without living out of each other’s pockets.

CheshireChat · 18/01/2018 00:21

She really needs to reign it in, but TBF I'd feel massively trapped in my own home as I don't particularly like having people around.

Can she escape upstairs/ go for a walk or does everyone else complain? If you're not bothered and she still acts like a sulky child then a serious conversation is in order.

Not sure I'd leave my partner just for this though Confused.

LizzieSiddal · 18/01/2018 00:21

How long were they meant to stay and how long did they end up staying?

Original poster
illustrious · 18/01/2018 00:30

4 days stayed 4 days. She was free to go and come as she pleased obviously and no-one was bothered. It would have been nice to have her around more but she went off and that was fine as I had help with DC's.
I just feel that I should be able to have family My family in my house for a few days without fuss. they haven't been for nearly 8 months.
It's feels like a control thing, she doesn't want me to go there without her - but makes a fuss when we are away at my family's ( 2 weeks a year spread out) but does not want to come with us ( work excuse usually) then does not want them here either. Xmas is the one time she can't come up with a reason that we shouldn't be together

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 18/01/2018 00:33

4 days? I thought you were talking about 4 weeks! Unless your family are really, openly horrible to her, she should be able to cope with them for 4 days. They live in a different country, she can't expect them to make the trip for less than that?

I did think you were being unreasonable, but I've changed my mind. She's being a sulky cow over nothing.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 18/01/2018 00:33

She's awful. I hate guests but DH loves them...I had his Mum come from abroad for THREE MONTHS and never complained once because it's his Mother ffs!

It's all about compromise and your wife doesn't want to. Not OK>

LizzieSiddal · 18/01/2018 00:34

Is that a typo about the number if days?

Anyway she does sound a bit controlling. I don’t like my MIL, so I encourage Dh to visit his parents as much as possible on his own. She should do the same. She can’t have it both ways : no visits to you or by you.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/01/2018 00:38

I would find 4 days of house invaders way too much, so she might do too.

She can’t have it both ways though; she should be happy for you to visit them without her.

Original poster
illustrious · 18/01/2018 00:39

no typo, it was 4 days. 2 of them. and we had a bedroom each for them so no re-arranging of rooms or anything.
I have suggested we see a counsellor or something which seems silly but she does not understand at all, just ranted at me about needing 'space' over Xmas.

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 18/01/2018 00:41

Honestly? I would LTB. My BILs wife is like this and I think he regrets not taking this as one of the early signs of what she was like and now he's stuck in a very unhappy marriage.

Basically it shows that she isn't prepared to put up with something which is important to you because she lacks respect for you and she doesn't care about your needs. Plus because you love your family and she loves you she should at least make the effort to be civil for your sake.

It's also an indication of a controlling nature when people attempt to frustrate contact between their partner and their family.

Honestly, I really think a willingness to put up with your partners nearest and dearest (even when a bit odd, which yours don't sound) is a really good indicator of how much your partner loves and respects you. If she knows being with your family is important to you and makes you happy but she can't grin and bear it for four days then she can't care about you very much.

LTB.

Greensleeves · 18/01/2018 00:42

If this is indicative of her general approach to married decision-making then I probably wouldn't be able to make it work with her

She sounds like very hard work Shock

Eltonjohnssyrup · 18/01/2018 00:43

It's feels like a control thing, she doesn't want me to go there without her - but makes a fuss when we are away at my family's ( 2 weeks a year spread out) but does not want to come with us ( work excuse usually) then does not want them here either. Xmas is the one time she can't come up with a reason that we shouldn't be together

This sounds like she's cutting you off deliberately and may become increasingly emotionally abusive. Does she see you as 'hers' and doesn't want you to have other people who are important to you?

HipNewName · 18/01/2018 00:49

Seems like a control thing, and that she is trying to isolate you from them. How is she about your friends?

Marasme · 18/01/2018 00:50

i think I m like this.

I feel like I am suffocating when I have house guests, especially my ILs. In normal times, I force myself but discomfort DOES show through. At their last two visits, I was unwell (MH / anxieties) and just could not take it (tears, panic attacks etc). ILs are good but usually invade my space (it does not take much) and this really put me in a downward spiral. DH understands, mostly.

Maybe your DP has anxiety issues?

Original poster
illustrious · 18/01/2018 00:52

She's the kind of person who would be happy with just me and the DC's. Not that close to her family, but they are also in another country. Me and DC's quite social so she's forced into talking to other parents and we go to kids parties etc. I am aware though that's not her comfort zone so I do the majority of kids social stuff.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 18/01/2018 00:54

Can we just check - I presume, as it was your family, you did all the extra shopping, tidying, cleaning, cooking etc? And that you weren't happily doing the social bit whilst she did the work? And also that your family have always made her feel loved and welcome, and weren't doing the nasty horrible comments when your back was turned first?

Just need to know slightly more before declaring that she was definitely unreasonable...

Eltonjohnssyrup · 18/01/2018 00:57

If this thread was about a man you would be told hands down it was abuse. Just because it's a woman you're going to get loads of people telling you to suck it up and it must be you/your families fault.

Probably most of them won't even have read the thread and seen your a woman too. Confused

Original poster
illustrious · 18/01/2018 01:06

nocoolnamesleft - I sorted it ALL, my DDad loves her still, Dear Sib has opinions rarely ventured out of respect for me but they are the easiest going of people, and yes actually I did organise all of Xmas because I had more time before off and it was my family,
and also my dad babysat for us etc.
the only actual bother was stuff like extra food but my family paid towards that too, they're good like that, nipping to the shop for wine and nibbles or whatever.

OP posts:
teaandtoast · 18/01/2018 01:13

She could be very introverted?

The fact that you think it would be 'insane' to have them stay in a nearby hotel/b&b (and give you all a bit of breathing space in the evening/morning) means you have a very high comfort level for having loads of people round. And that you can see no value in the idea at all.

Why not consider whether your wife might appreciate it? I couldn't stand 4 days of house guests, no matter how nice.