to LTB ( b*tch)

[illustrious]

Xmas we had my family over for a few days ( they live in another country, got flights etc. ). Dates all agreed with DP beforehand. Curtailed because DP not keen on having people, even my family stay, more tolerant of own family. She was horrible to them when they were here, rude, ignoring - making sure they knew it was inconvenient - but we have enough room for everyone so that was not the issue. Just in a massive strop the whole time. Me, DC, DD and DB all got along fantastically and happy to be together. They help out, are tidy, etc. not a burden to have as guests. friends and neighbours over Xmas who saw them commented on how lucky we are to have them.
They left and she was like another person... sweet, cheerful.
So what do I do? no family had been here in 6 months because of this, I have gone there with DC. This can't go on. I feel like I'm being made not to see them and we are close ( given the geographic distance). Dreading suggesting the next time I even see them because I know it will be a massive strop - she doesn't want to go but doesn't want us to be away.
Suggestions? We have been together 10 years but this has been building over last3/4

Are people missing the bit about the op's oh not wanting her to go and see her family either (with her or without her) as well as hating them coming to stay?? It's clearly not because she feels uncomfortable having them around it's because she's trying to control her.
This is a problem and it's something I left my ex over and I'm glad I did!

yanbu

This is serious and I’d be considering my options.
Others posters articulated it better but she isnt willing to meet you half way and cares about her happiness/comfort a lot more than yours and the kids. Also agree it sounds controlling/ manipulative

Are people missing the bit about the op's oh not wanting her to go and see her family either (with her or without her) as well as hating them coming to stay??

Yep. They assume that since the OH is a woman, the OPer is a man, and is therefore just not doing his fair share around the house. It's quite sexist.

Are you sure there is no issue between her and your family?
I found exils suffocating, and exmil in particular was hell bent on being the central figure in my children’s lives. If you met them I’m sure you’d find them charming, well educated, well travelled and interesting. But that doesn’t stop them being insidious bastards, with backhanded compliments, sly digs, manipulative ways. It built for years, and it got to a point where I only really discussswd things like the weather with them. I spoke to my ExH about it, but he chose to tell me they were marvellous and it was all in my imagination. It bloody wasn’t in my imagination. And we spent nearly all holidays with them, every Christmas, every Easter. So we got a situation where I started not wanting to go, and because we got no time to ourselves as a family unit, there were times where I wanted US to have a holiday or a weekend, not the extended family.
Just saying, have you actually listened to her?

Honestly, next time you go to see your family, tell her that it's best that just you and the DCs go as judging by her behaviour around them she doesn't want to be there and it's embarrassing - it's not fair her joining you then next making it difficult. She then has a choice - join you and behave like a grown up, or leave you to have a good trip. No guilt - her rude behaviour has put you in this position, and she can choose whether to continue with it.

Lostinspace, she says she has and her partner just says she wants 'space'. Even if they were horrible to her, that shouldn't stop her partner going alone.

YANBU at all OP. She is being very unfair to isolate you from your family in this way.

Suggest you have a serious conversation with her to try to find solutions that might work for you both, and make sure that she realises this is a serious issue for you. I could not tolerate being distanced from my family in this way and ultimately it could end the relationship for me.

Well sure, it may be she is just being bloody rude. But all I’m saying is, if my ExH poster here, this is what he would be saying about me. But my side of the story was not listened to at all, in fact I was gaslighted about it. I didn’t want to stop my ExH or indeed my children from seeing the iLS, but they were so overwhelming that we barely did anything as a family unit without them. And if I did go with them, that’s most of my free time spent being sidelined from my own family so the ILS could Star in
My kids lives. So if they swan off to ILS an awful lot without me/ops wife then they pretty much ARE separated and might as well get divorced, because at least the ops wife will get half of her time with the kids without the ILS in it.

I find it truly exhausting to have others in my space even my partner at times so I get if she is just struggling with the interaction however it's not remotely fair for her to stink up the atmosphere for you all. So you either discuss it like adults then discuss it together with your family and come up with a plan and a compromise for all or maybe she could stay first 2 days of a visit then go to a nice hotel for 2 days to allow you all to enjoy each other's company. Some people just have a bigger cup of tolerance with this stuff.

I hope you both can come to a reasonable solution.

*lost, you're really inappropriately projecting your own situation.

The OP has said they have been months without seeing them and she's happy to visit on her own without her partner but her partner won't let her. I'm sure your situation was very sad, but it's not really relevant to the OP.

Well, if her situation isn’t overwhelming, then fair dos and ops wife is just being rude and controlling then. Was mainly playing devils advocate there, since if this was a straight posting from the wife’s point of view, everyone would be saying LTB.
But I agree, discussion is needed here between 2 grown adults.

Sometimes you need to do things you find difficult just because they’re the fair, kind and reasonable thing to do imo. And do them with good grace not in a childish sulk. That’s if you want to be in an equal relationship. If you want to call all the shots and have things totally as you want at all times then I think you’re best of single. I just don’t know what the answer is here OP but where there is no tolerance, stepping out of the comfort zone or just plain manners, I don’t think I could keep going in the relationship. It’s just selfish and prioritising her needs and not yours.

Thanks for the input. Am going to sit her down today to discuss again and tell her that this is the line in the sand for me. I compromise on so much for a quiet life, but seeing my family without a palaver every time is not negotiable. Particularly when she has no justification, and tells our friends how great they are, how helpful my Ddad in particular has been over the years with childcare.

Good luck Illustrious. I really hope she can try see your side of this and how unfair it is to make seeing your family such a nightmare. 4 days isn’t asking for the world on a stick. She knows it’s important to you and you deserve an explanation as to what the issue is and how it can be resolved fairly.

The thing that stood out to me is that you say your sibling has opinion but keeps them to themself out of respect to you! I would guess that they haven't always done so and your OH is fully aware of what your sibling really thinks of her and it's no wonder she isn't inclined to have them stay. Maybe when you want to visit she feels betrayed I.e. you are taking their side against her especially if you have not shut down sibling's opinions which I assume are not favourable to your DP.

It may also be that spending family time with yours reminds her that gets are abroad.

Allthebest, equally it sounds like this woman treats the OP pretty badly so her brother probably doesn't have a great opinion of her. And if she dislikes him for that reason that still doesn't explain why she can't go on her own to see them!

Op this sounds very much like controlling behaviour and a determined attempt to distance you from your support network. You say you have compromised a lot to keep the peace. Don't play into her hands. Make it perfectly clear that you will not be distanced from your family which incidentally is not good for your dcs either. Perhaps if she sees you are aware of what she is doing, she will back down. Same thing is happening to a family member at the moment and it is so destructive to self esteem and confidence. Hèed the warning op. Good luck.