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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to LTB ( b*tch)

67 replies

illustrious · 18/01/2018 00:01

Xmas we had my family over for a few days ( they live in another country, got flights etc. ). Dates all agreed with DP beforehand. Curtailed because DP not keen on having people, even my family stay, more tolerant of own family. She was horrible to them when they were here, rude, ignoring - making sure they knew it was inconvenient - but we have enough room for everyone so that was not the issue. Just in a massive strop the whole time. Me, DC, DD and DB all got along fantastically and happy to be together. They help out, are tidy, etc. not a burden to have as guests. friends and neighbours over Xmas who saw them commented on how lucky we are to have them.
They left and she was like another person... sweet, cheerful.
So what do I do? no family had been here in 6 months because of this, I have gone there with DC. This can't go on. I feel like I'm being made not to see them and we are close ( given the geographic distance). Dreading suggesting the next time I even see them because I know it will be a massive strop - she doesn't want to go but doesn't want us to be away.
Suggestions? We have been together 10 years but this has been building over last3/4

OP posts:
Original poster
illustrious · 18/01/2018 01:13

Actually I'm not actually after validation that she's been unreasonable. I want to know what you do when you've got someone that you love being such an unmitigated prick about something that you care about. And how I can not LTB... when I feel like the line has been drawn in the sand.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 18/01/2018 01:14

This is not ok OP. Even if I hated my DH's family (which I don't) I could and would be welcoming and hospitable for 4 days because I love him and want to see him happy. Which begs the question why isn't that true of your DP? I would want the answer to that question before I could even consider the way forward tbh. How did she react when you suggested counselling?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 18/01/2018 01:16

The fact that you think it would be 'insane' to have them stay in a nearby hotel/b&b

And as she's the one with the problem she should pay for this.

Greensleeves · 18/01/2018 01:18

I think if you don't want to ltb, you need to start standing up to her. Tell her straight how her attitude when your family were staying hurt you, and that you considered ending the relationship over it. Talk until you've established some reasonable ground rules that you can both live with.

Let her know that you abolutely will support her in getting help if the problem is anxiety-driven, but that she must get help for it - it's not negotiable. I suffer with chronic anxiety and depression and I don't expect my family to put up with the untreated version of me, because I love them and don't want to make their lives a misery.

BulletFox · 18/01/2018 01:18

You really should talk to her

MistressDeeCee · 18/01/2018 01:19

Its your home too and she's a control freak. How rude and manipulative - sour and unsocial when your family are around, making you unhappy, and sweetness and light when they're gone.

She didn't have to sit there with your family, she could have gone out and anyway doesn't she have family and friends to visit? Her own pursuits? Or is the "game" to sit there scowling, making it all about here and her distaste, embarassing and upsetting you. I see she's also not happy for you to visit your family alone.

You've the patience of a saint not telling her to fuck off, I would have ages ago

Nothing worse than someone who wants to be a disruptive centre of your world

Life is way too short to put up with this kind of thing. Its not easy to walk away.. But will it be easy in years to come to look back down your life, the years blighted by someone who's isolated you and will be the only person by your side..still with their cold manipulative controlling ways. & you'll be a lot older.

Nobody on this earth is worth all that. You need to get rid.. Somebod else can put up with her ill-mannered manipulation

Eltonjohnssyrup · 18/01/2018 01:19

She has talked to her. And her partner has made it clear she's not budging.

IPityThePontipines · 18/01/2018 01:26

Leave. If she doesn't like your family staying, but she doesn't like you staying with them after then she's being controlling and unkind.

You need to write in block capitals I AM A WOMAN TOO, otherwise you'll get some crap answers.

HipNewName · 18/01/2018 01:27

The problem isn't just having them at your house, right, she also doesn't want you to go visit them, either with her or without her?

You could opt to lay it out with her. Tell her that her behavior has been unacceptable, and that you are going to start planning a trip to go see them without her, and that she needs to be nice about it.

I read that the best way to test if a relationship is abusive/controlling is to go toward your own happiness, and see how they respond. Can they be OK with you doing things that make you happy? If not, it lets you know where you stand.

BulletFox · 18/01/2018 01:28

What would happen to the dc if you split up?

Coyoacan · 18/01/2018 01:46

If the love is gone, you should leave. If you still love her check out the websites about controlling partners and if she ticks too many boxes there is no point in going to counselling with her, because you should never go to counselling with an abusive partner.

Nothomealone · 18/01/2018 02:09

My DH struggles with people in his house other than his DM, but he understands that I have family too and so he manages his discomfort. As an adult he is capable of being kind, considerate and putting someone else first for a few days. It is really immature behaviour that your DP is displaying and I would be pretty fed up.

DenPerry · 18/01/2018 02:58

Just had the inlaws for 4 days and we both did a jig when they left, it's a long time of having your space invaded. But it's shitty of her to not want you to visit them either. She should be encouraging your visits there so it means less visits at your house!

AstridWhite · 18/01/2018 03:56

If this thread was about a man you would be told hands down it was abuse. Just because it's a woman you're going to get loads of people telling you to suck it up and it must be you/your families fault.

I was just about to say the same thing myself. It's depressing how predictably true this is. You should have just left the thread title as 'should I LTB? and worded it as if she were a man.' You'd have had a very different set of replies then.

Some people just HATE HATE HATE having others in their home, (apart from their own immediate family, as apparently 'that's different' and they are always 'less trouble' than every other human being on the planet Hmm )

And some people or just cannot bring themselves to form a good bond with their partner's family while expecting their partner to be completely absorbed into their own family. It's very common, especially with women to behave this way. Less so with men in my experience.

If this hosting thing is her only issue and presuming you had your children together and they are not her step children, then I'd say LTB(itch) might be a bit extreme.But you should put your foot down about visiting your family with the kids as often as you like and she can come with you, stay behind, whatever she likes. But no way does she get to sulk and tell you she doesn't want you to go.

spunkymom22 · 18/01/2018 04:12

How much do you do in preparation for the visit? How much do you do while hosting? Could she be reacting to having to do a lot more work, and you not pulling your weight?

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/01/2018 04:51

Have you told her that you’re thinking about ending the relationship over her behaviour? Is she controlling in other ways?

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/01/2018 05:27

I really struggle with having house guests. I like the idea of it and love seeing people bit more than 24 hours and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'd hope I wasn't rude and stroppy with people (my DP would tell me) but I definitely need my own space if I'm to cope. Before I had treatment for anxiety I was a nightmare because I'd spend the whole time feeling completely overwhelmed by something my partner was completely happy with - cue lots of tears, panic attacks etc. I'd also get very anxious when DP was away from home for any reason. Is she ok with you and the kids being away for some event or other or is she only unhappy when you're visiting your family?

Is it possible there's an undiagnosed MH issue there?

Of none of that applies you need to have a very direct conversation and agree a minimum level of contact with your family and see what she does.

ErnestTheBavarian · 18/01/2018 05:48

Can you clarify, who normally lives there - just you 2...? And who exactly came to stay for 4 days?

Who mostly comes to visit, and how often do you have visitors?

But anyway she should have been polite to the guests and had it out with you in private.

OnionKnight · 18/01/2018 06:21

LTB.

I hate how some people are trying to justify her behaviour because she's a woman.

pictish · 18/01/2018 06:36

I think she sounds very selfish. You know her well and you're telling us that she consistently puts a spanner in the works when it comes to your relationship with your family whom you love. It's not about 'needing space' but about her jealous need to dominate your affections. She doesn't want to share you, even with your own family, and it shows.

I wouldn't have any patience for this crap quite honestly. She's being childish, rude and thoroughly self serving and doesn't seem to give a fuck how you feel about it. You know it's not on and that's why you have posted here.

GnomeDePlume · 18/01/2018 06:36

It sounds to me like you are just not compatible. I dont think either of you is totally right or totally wrong. You want to have your family to stay, she doesnt. She isnt close to her family and doesnt value close family relationships. You are and do.

IMO the only answer if this is an important point for both of you is to separate.

MiniCooperLover · 18/01/2018 06:55

Have you ever asked her outright why she's so rude and sour when they are around? Does she realise how bad she comes across?

londonrach · 18/01/2018 07:10

Shes rude! For four days you make an effect. Leave her if you not happy. Sounds like you looking for a way out so want mn to give you this.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/01/2018 07:12

RTFT people! Stop asking questions that have already been answered, it’s bloody rude!

illustrious it’s so hard to know without actually knowing the people involved, but your Dad & brother sound nice, helpful, no trouble to have around and they sound as if they are nice to her (even if your brother has to bite his tongue). It sounds like you do all the work. It also sounds like she does her own thing while they’re there and although you all would prefer her to join in more, that no one is openly complaining about that.

I totally agree with you that she’s being massively intolerant and she’s being very controlling.

The only place I’d give her an inch here, is Christmas. You’re a couple and you have children, I actually think it’s fair enough for her to want just your immediate family together for Christmas & not have to have guests. I also think it’s fair enough that you want to spend Christmas with your Dad & brother. So maybe ‘year on, year off’ is a compromise on the understanding she does it with ‘good grace’?

Taking what you’ve written at face value and that your Dad & Brother are lovely and she has no genuine reason to not want them in her house other than ‘because’, then I would actually tell her that this whole thing is a deal breaker and you have had enough. Either she accepts you & the DC going to visit them whenever you want to and hosting them x times per year with good grace, or the marriage is over. It’s not actually about them/visiting, it’s about her control over you & she’s acting unreasonably & unpleasantly, making you unhappy and you don’t have to live like that.

frumpety · 18/01/2018 07:16

I would have to draw my own line too . You love her and you love your family . You will be visiting them , she is of course welcome to come with you and they will be visiting you , if she really struggles with being a polite , considerate human being in their presence then she can of course book into a hotel whilst they stay at yours . That way she won't be bothered by them and vice versa .

You say this has been building for 3/4 years now , how old are your DC ?

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