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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick advice please

40 replies

Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/01/2018 18:07

Hello, I'm new. I just need someone to bounce this off. I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months. We seem to meet once or twice a week but mostly if his other plans fall through. I don't think he is doing it deliberately and he is certainly not a player. It's my birthday early next week and I've asked whether we are going to meet this weekend. He said he wants to catch up with one of his friends but if he is busy then we can do something. Should I say something or am I expecting too much too soon?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2018 18:09

He’s sounds like a totally unreliable nightmare. Are you really happy being someone else’s back up plan?

TheQueenOfWands · 12/01/2018 18:09

He'll only see you if his other mate cancels?

He's dick. Ditch him.

BorgQueenie · 12/01/2018 18:09

He's just not that into you
Or has a girlfriend
Dump him

Original poster
Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/01/2018 18:10

No, I'm not. But I really don't think he realises

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/01/2018 18:11

He's not that into you. Sorry. youre his plan b

Don't waste your time planning things around him. He just doesn't sound too bothered.

Have a brilliant birthday with your friends Flowers

Original poster
Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/01/2018 18:11

I don't think I should be his top priority after 3 months but I also don't want to come across as a nutter.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2018 18:12
Confused
Mishappening · 12/01/2018 18:13

He is just making use of you - that cannot possibly be what you want. It is in your power to do something about it.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/01/2018 18:13

He can't make time for you on your birthday?! Seriously. You deserve more than that.

Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 18:14

As they say 'He's just not that into you' sorry. I would move on.

mrsharrison · 12/01/2018 18:16

Text him this isn't working for you. Short n sweet, no explanations. Dignified and not nutty. Then go have a good night out with your friends.

Original poster
Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/01/2018 18:48

Thanks guys, I knew I could count on you. I challenged him on it, he's very apologetic and we are now going out for my birthday...of course that is after his mate already has plans but still. I'll monitor and if he still does it then it's curtains for him.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 12/01/2018 18:55

You’re keener than he is. If that bothers you then bin him. If you’re happy with the arrangement then don’t, but you deserve better and if you’re looking for a serious relationship i don’t think this is it, sorry

Angrybird345 · 12/01/2018 18:59

Dump him now!!!

CremeFresh · 12/01/2018 18:59

Don't make someone your priority when to them you are just an option.

AgathaMystery · 12/01/2018 19:01

You’re keener than he is. If that bothers you then bin him. If you’re happy with the arrangement then don’t, but you deserve better and if you’re looking for a serious relationship i don’t think this is it, sorry

This.

Original poster
Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/01/2018 19:05

Possibly. It is irritating me now, so if it happens again it's over. I genuinely think he is just out of dating practice

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/01/2018 19:21

He's not out of dating practice

He's just not that bothered. The first few months should be exciting. There's a reason friends roll their eyes with mock exasperation when someone gets a new partner and they're not seen for a while.

If it's your birthday and you're having to ask him if he wants to do something AND he says, well if my mate isn't busy I suppose you're next in the queue, this is not someone in the throes of first passion. He's not even trying to put on a good impression.

You deserve better

Karigan1 · 12/01/2018 19:26

It’s your birthday. He should at least make an effort. Dump him.

Huntinginthedark · 12/01/2018 19:29

3 months?!?
Yes I would seriously fucking expect better than that
What are you? A stop gap in case he's bored if his mates aren't around

Half an hour before you're due to meet him, say your friend had a last min cancellation so she's free and you're going to hang out with her.
Fuck that with bells on

RoseGoldEagle · 12/01/2018 23:48

If he's like this in the first three months it's not a great sign. You want someone who's thinking 'I can't wait to see Whatshallwedonow again' not someone who's just fitting you in when they've nothing better to do. It's so hard when it's someone you like, but you deserve someone that is going to make you a priority. That is not being 'crazy' or expecting too much, it's naturally what people who really like each other do. It's nothing to do with being out of practise, if he really liked you he'd be making the effort to see you, he wouldn't need to be reminded.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/01/2018 23:51

"Half an hour before you're due to meet him, say your friend had a last min cancellation so she's free and you're going to hang out with her."

This ^^ is very tempting.

DoubleAces · 12/01/2018 23:54

I started dating my now wife 3 months before her birthday. Trust me I was all over it planning dinner and gifts and a wonderful weekend.

This dude isn't your soulmate I'm afraid.

mummmy2017 · 13/01/2018 00:10

Your too available, so you have no value to him.

Back off , call him as said and tell him as you are only his 2nd choice of the night, you know he won't mind if you cancel as you had a better offer of a girls night out with your bestie's they did it as a surprise.

He needs to want to see you, so you come first, always being 2nd best sucks, as he thinks of you right now as his comfy P'Js there when nothing exciting is happening.

With my ex he was around all the time, chased me, any spare time he has was spent with me. and I used to say lets go see your mates as I didn't want him to lose contact with them...

Because you deserve so much more than having to chase this man, I think your better to drop him now, as he doesn't love you,

Graphista · 13/01/2018 00:18

Is he more likely to be "available" if it's a sex night than a going out to do something night? U suspect yea in which case he doesn't think of you as a girlfriend but a fwb/booty call - do you usually hear from him late at night?