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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quick advice please

40 replies

Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/01/2018 18:07

Hello, I'm new. I just need someone to bounce this off. I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months. We seem to meet once or twice a week but mostly if his other plans fall through. I don't think he is doing it deliberately and he is certainly not a player. It's my birthday early next week and I've asked whether we are going to meet this weekend. He said he wants to catch up with one of his friends but if he is busy then we can do something. Should I say something or am I expecting too much too soon?

OP posts:
KC225 · 13/01/2018 02:04

Couple of questions?
Does he know its your birthday? Are you sleeping with him?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2018 02:49

I'm sorry to say that you really need to wake up to the fact that you are merely his back-up plan. You deserve to be treated as a priority, not a Plan B.

MorbidBibliomancy · 13/01/2018 03:33

Agreed with PP's: you deserve more than just being a backup plan. If he's not a player he's at least horribly indecisive.

FastWindow · 13/01/2018 03:47

Wtf. Of course you're the priority. Aren't you? If not... Bye bye.

Charolais · 13/01/2018 04:12

Maybe he’s just plain stupid when it comes to dating. Before you dump him, talk to him about. You have nothing to lose.

ellesbellesxxx · 13/01/2018 04:13

I am thinking of that episode of sex and the city where Burger tells Miranda that if a a guy is into you, he is booking the next date.
That helped me when I was online dating... also I used the philosophy that it shouldn't be hard work.
When I met my husband, he texted back promptly, booked the next date, never cancelled.. this to me said it all. With one ex I was always the back up plan and I wish I had realised!(was early 20s at the time but even so!)

BatShite · 13/01/2018 05:31

3 months is definitely not too soon. But honestly, from what you have wrote it seems hes not that intrested in you and is just using you to kill time when he has nothing else to do. I know that sounds awful, but its how I see it from what you have wrote.

MyOtherProfile · 13/01/2018 05:41

I don't think I should be his top priority after 3 months

If you're not his top priority in the first 3 months when it's all new and exciting I'm afraid you never will be.

Original poster
Whatshallidonowpeople · 13/01/2018 08:27

Answers to questions:
No, he isn't more available if it's for sex.
Yes, he knows it's my birthday.
Yes, we are having sex.

OP posts:
KC225 · 13/01/2018 08:40

OK. The first three months, doesn't have to be declarations of love and talks of babies but I would be expecting a little more enthusiasm.

I think he has you on the back burner. It will only be more of the same until you end it or he falls hard for someone else.

FinallyHere · 13/01/2018 09:00

Mummy2017 has it right. If you want this to improve for you, best train any partners that if they don't commit to a meeting, they miss out on your company. Next time he says he can't confirm until he has checked with , say 'no probs., i'll just go out with

Even if you have to find something to do...your life will be much better if you stick to this. Is not good for you, to always being hanging round hoping they might have some time for you. If you don't already have things to do, try meetup.com for some ideas.

Graphista · 13/01/2018 11:10

Then he's not that into you. My ex (quite possibly the least romantic least thoughtful person in the country!) booked a meal and arranged a flower delivery for my first birthday after we met - just under 4 months in. Went downhill after several years but yea this early on he should be very keen - if he's not and you want a proper relationship rather than a casual thing (nothing wrong with that) then it's a waster of YOUR time and effort.

Chrys2017 · 13/01/2018 11:19

So many people saying that the best part of a relationship should be at the very beginning... This is really flawed thinking and is the foundation for so many failed relationships. It's far better for people to grow more fond of one another as they discover each other's deeper qualities.

MyOtherProfile · 13/01/2018 23:54

Chrys people aren't saying it's the best part of a relationship but should be when people are all excited and enthusiastic. My dh travelled miles regularly to see me and made loads of effort when we were all new and keen. We love each other more now though.

Bambamber · 14/01/2018 00:00

You're selling yourself short, don't be someone's second best

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