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AIBU?

Quick advice please

40 replies

Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/01/2018 18:07

Hello, I'm new. I just need someone to bounce this off. I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months. We seem to meet once or twice a week but mostly if his other plans fall through. I don't think he is doing it deliberately and he is certainly not a player. It's my birthday early next week and I've asked whether we are going to meet this weekend. He said he wants to catch up with one of his friends but if he is busy then we can do something. Should I say something or am I expecting too much too soon?

OP posts:

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Bambamber · 14/01/2018 00:00

You're selling yourself short, don't be someone's second best

MyOtherProfile · 13/01/2018 23:54

Chrys people aren't saying it's the best part of a relationship but should be when people are all excited and enthusiastic. My dh travelled miles regularly to see me and made loads of effort when we were all new and keen. We love each other more now though.

Chrys2017 · 13/01/2018 11:19

So many people saying that the best part of a relationship should be at the very beginning... This is really flawed thinking and is the foundation for so many failed relationships. It's far better for people to grow more fond of one another as they discover each other's deeper qualities.

Graphista · 13/01/2018 11:10

Then he's not that into you. My ex (quite possibly the least romantic least thoughtful person in the country!) booked a meal and arranged a flower delivery for my first birthday after we met - just under 4 months in. Went downhill after several years but yea this early on he should be very keen - if he's not and you want a proper relationship rather than a casual thing (nothing wrong with that) then it's a waster of YOUR time and effort.

FinallyHere · 13/01/2018 09:00

Mummy2017 has it right. If you want this to improve for you, best train any partners that if they don't commit to a meeting, they miss out on your company. Next time he says he can't confirm until he has checked with , say 'no probs., i'll just go out with

Even if you have to find something to do...your life will be much better if you stick to this. Is not good for you, to always being hanging round hoping they might have some time for you. If you don't already have things to do, try meetup.com for some ideas.

KC225 · 13/01/2018 08:40

OK. The first three months, doesn't have to be declarations of love and talks of babies but I would be expecting a little more enthusiasm.

I think he has you on the back burner. It will only be more of the same until you end it or he falls hard for someone else.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 13/01/2018 08:27

Answers to questions:
No, he isn't more available if it's for sex.
Yes, he knows it's my birthday.
Yes, we are having sex.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 13/01/2018 05:41

I don't think I should be his top priority after 3 months

If you're not his top priority in the first 3 months when it's all new and exciting I'm afraid you never will be.

BatShite · 13/01/2018 05:31

3 months is definitely not too soon. But honestly, from what you have wrote it seems hes not that intrested in you and is just using you to kill time when he has nothing else to do. I know that sounds awful, but its how I see it from what you have wrote.

ellesbellesxxx · 13/01/2018 04:13

I am thinking of that episode of sex and the city where Burger tells Miranda that if a a guy is into you, he is booking the next date.
That helped me when I was online dating... also I used the philosophy that it shouldn't be hard work.
When I met my husband, he texted back promptly, booked the next date, never cancelled.. this to me said it all. With one ex I was always the back up plan and I wish I had realised!(was early 20s at the time but even so!)

Charolais · 13/01/2018 04:12

Maybe he’s just plain stupid when it comes to dating. Before you dump him, talk to him about. You have nothing to lose.

FastWindow · 13/01/2018 03:47

Wtf. Of course you're the priority. Aren't you? If not... Bye bye.

MorbidBibliomancy · 13/01/2018 03:33

Agreed with PP's: you deserve more than just being a backup plan. If he's not a player he's at least horribly indecisive.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2018 02:49

I'm sorry to say that you really need to wake up to the fact that you are merely his back-up plan. You deserve to be treated as a priority, not a Plan B.

KC225 · 13/01/2018 02:04

Couple of questions?
Does he know its your birthday? Are you sleeping with him?

Graphista · 13/01/2018 00:18

Is he more likely to be "available" if it's a sex night than a going out to do something night? U suspect yea in which case he doesn't think of you as a girlfriend but a fwb/booty call - do you usually hear from him late at night?

mummmy2017 · 13/01/2018 00:10

Your too available, so you have no value to him.

Back off , call him as said and tell him as you are only his 2nd choice of the night, you know he won't mind if you cancel as you had a better offer of a girls night out with your bestie's they did it as a surprise.

He needs to want to see you, so you come first, always being 2nd best sucks, as he thinks of you right now as his comfy P'Js there when nothing exciting is happening.

With my ex he was around all the time, chased me, any spare time he has was spent with me. and I used to say lets go see your mates as I didn't want him to lose contact with them...

Because you deserve so much more than having to chase this man, I think your better to drop him now, as he doesn't love you,

DoubleAces · 12/01/2018 23:54

I started dating my now wife 3 months before her birthday. Trust me I was all over it planning dinner and gifts and a wonderful weekend.

This dude isn't your soulmate I'm afraid.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/01/2018 23:51

"Half an hour before you're due to meet him, say your friend had a last min cancellation so she's free and you're going to hang out with her."

This ^^ is very tempting.

RoseGoldEagle · 12/01/2018 23:48

If he's like this in the first three months it's not a great sign. You want someone who's thinking 'I can't wait to see Whatshallwedonow again' not someone who's just fitting you in when they've nothing better to do. It's so hard when it's someone you like, but you deserve someone that is going to make you a priority. That is not being 'crazy' or expecting too much, it's naturally what people who really like each other do. It's nothing to do with being out of practise, if he really liked you he'd be making the effort to see you, he wouldn't need to be reminded.

Huntinginthedark · 12/01/2018 19:29

3 months?!?
Yes I would seriously fucking expect better than that
What are you? A stop gap in case he's bored if his mates aren't around

Half an hour before you're due to meet him, say your friend had a last min cancellation so she's free and you're going to hang out with her.
Fuck that with bells on

Karigan1 · 12/01/2018 19:26

It’s your birthday. He should at least make an effort. Dump him.

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aaaaargghhhhelpme · 12/01/2018 19:21

He's not out of dating practice

He's just not that bothered. The first few months should be exciting. There's a reason friends roll their eyes with mock exasperation when someone gets a new partner and they're not seen for a while.

If it's your birthday and you're having to ask him if he wants to do something AND he says, well if my mate isn't busy I suppose you're next in the queue, this is not someone in the throes of first passion. He's not even trying to put on a good impression.

You deserve better

Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/01/2018 19:05

Possibly. It is irritating me now, so if it happens again it's over. I genuinely think he is just out of dating practice

OP posts:

AgathaMystery · 12/01/2018 19:01

You’re keener than he is. If that bothers you then bin him. If you’re happy with the arrangement then don’t, but you deserve better and if you’re looking for a serious relationship i don’t think this is it, sorry

This.

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