To propose marriage and adoption

[duckdarlington]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 5 years, we have two children together aswell as my 3 step children (fathers are not involved in their lives). I'm calling them my step children for this post but in real life, i would never think of not seeing them as my own children.

I want to propose for a 5 year anniversary but had thought I need to offer to adopt her children at the same time and was planning on asking my partner and my step children these questions together.
Talking to my mostly male mates about theese plans I have got a negative reaction and I have been told I need to make proposing just about my partner and special for her.

AIBU to propose marriage and adoption at the same time? How would you feel if your DP proposed like this?
Im running out of time to finalise plans and I'm panicking I'm going to do it wrong.

Hmmm. I think propose on its own and discuss adoption after. Might be too emotional all in a oner.

Lovely though.

pullingmyhairout1

Thankyou for replying. I was thinking maybe to propose just me and her, and discuss adoption. Then in the next few days when we tell the children we're engaged then I can ask them.

Don’t ask anything directly to the children! Step-parent adoption is not straight forward - you need to find out if it’s even possible before you mention it to them.

That sounds better. I think I misunderstood and thought you were going to do it all at once.

Fingers crossed for you. Report back. Would love to know how it goes.

It would put far too much pressure on the children to say yes, they want to be adopted by you if you propose altogether. I think that’s a really bad idea.

Just propose normally and discuss adoption as a separate issue.

Lovely idea but just fyi - my bastard absent father never did a thing for me but blocked my step dad from adopting me 😣

fatberg

It is something me and my partner have discussed previosly and i know its something she wants, it was more the case of me being ready and feeling it was the right time to do so. Obviously I wouldnt ask the children without consulting their mother first.

Good luck OP!! Please come back and tell us! And the kids would be delighted I'm sure - you're a keeper!

@pullingmyhairout1

Thankyou. You didnt misunderstand that had been my plan for the last 6 months but after hearing others opinions it dosnt apear to be the best idea.

It’s not just about whether you and partner want it though - it’s up to the courts!

Go over to the adoption boards and look for some of the step parent adoption threads.

How old are your stepchildren? Have, your partner or they ever mentioned this is something they’d like to do or would it totally out of the blue?

I’d focus on the proposal. You have several roles in your family and partner/husband is a hugely important one, your marriage will include being parents but it’s a special thing between the two of you as adults in a romantic and committed partnership. Is marriage something you’ve discussed in the past? Is it something you believe she wants?

Proposing on your anniversary is a lovely idea and I hope she says yes! Update us when you’ve done it if you’d like to.

Adoption discussions can follow in time.

The fathers may not be involved but they’d have to agree if they’re alive as far as I know.

Take one big step at a time

And the kids would be delighted I'm sure - you're a keeper!

They might be delighted, but they might not be. This needs to be handled really sensitively and not just assumed that they’ll be happy or want it.

Say nothing to the DCs, honestly. My step-niece hasn't seen her father for 6 years, but he still blocked my brother's attempted adoption. Even if the other father isn't 'in' the children's lives, if he's on the birth certificate he has to agree to the adoption.

Get your ducks in a row first - proposal, talking to DFiance to be about adoption, sound out the father, then start talking to the kids.

I hope it goes well for you!

The actual plan sounds better than your OP. You know the kids as does she so maybe she can help you come up with a plan. Some kids may but just 100% in no question, others might feel forced into a situation or bring up feelings about their father. If even one of these kids feels like this make sure it’s a discussion rather than a “make a decision” situation.

Sounds lovely though. They’re all lucky to have a loving father figure from you either way.

I think a romantic proposal including adoption with just your partner would be lovely! Agree that you don’t mention it to the children until you have looked into it more. Good luck!

@PurpleDaisies

Thankyou, i think asking seperatly might be for the best.
I have already discussed adoption with my partner, i wouldnt just spring it on the children out of nowhere.

Have any of the kids mentioned anything to you in the past?

It's not just you and dp that need to agree the adoption though - their birth father does too.

@GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz

Thankyou. And thats horrible but luckily I know that wont happen, we dont know the eldests father and have already asked the youngest's two for permission.

@Worldsworstcook

Thankyou very much! I will, our anniversary is Valentines.

@fatberg

The eldests father is unknown and the younger twos father is happy for it to happen. Providing the kids officially say yes what reason could there be for the courts to say no?

@AnneLovesGilbert

They are 19, 8 and 6. And yes it is soemthing that has been discussed fully between me and my partner and has been mentioned in parts to the children.
Marriage is something she wants and I totally get your point about the proposal being something special just between us.

I don’t know - you have to be assessed by social services, same as any other adopter though. I don’t know if they are gentler in cases of step parent adoption. I also don’t know whether birth dad saying it’s okay is always enough for the courts to sever that relationship. Go to the adoption boards, read threads there.