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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To propose marriage and adoption

56 replies

duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 17:03

Me and my partner have been together nearly 5 years, we have two children together aswell as my 3 step children (fathers are not involved in their lives). I'm calling them my step children for this post but in real life, i would never think of not seeing them as my own children.

I want to propose for a 5 year anniversary but had thought I need to offer to adopt her children at the same time and was planning on asking my partner and my step children these questions together.
Talking to my mostly male mates about theese plans I have got a negative reaction and I have been told I need to make proposing just about my partner and special for her.

AIBU to propose marriage and adoption at the same time? How would you feel if your DP proposed like this?
Im running out of time to finalise plans and I'm panicking I'm going to do it wrong.

OP posts:
fatberg · 12/01/2018 17:35

And I’m pretty sure you can’t adopt anyone over 18... you need to find this stuff out.

Original poster
duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 17:35

@PurpleDaisies

Of course I havnt just assumed. To the children although I maybe havnt offered adoption yet, being their dad is something we have had many conversations about.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2018 17:37

My post wasn’t aimed at you. I was talking to the poster I quoted. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear.

PandaPieForTea · 12/01/2018 17:38

I also don’t think you can adopt the 19 year old.

gunsandbanjos · 12/01/2018 17:39

My husband included my daughter in his proposal, she was the first person he spoke to about it.
I thought it was very thoughtful of him to include her.

He hasn’t however adopted her as her father is still somewhat involved, I maybe wouldn’t do it all in one go but I’d certainly include them in the moment.

blueskyinmarch · 12/01/2018 17:40

The 19 yo is an adult so you cannot adopt them. The other two you can though. Hope it all works out for you.

GottadoitGottadoit · 12/01/2018 17:40

If someone asked my kids if they wanted to be adopted, without asking me first I would be horrified!!!

pinkginanyone · 12/01/2018 17:46

Everybody is pissing on your cornflakes.... ok be realistic but come on people OP clearly isn’t an idiot!

How about getting the kids to help you propose!!? That way the kids are involved and it makes it exciting for everyone!

Obv adoption process isn’t easy but it’s wonderful that your considering it. How about giving them all your last name? (If the Fathers are not involved this isn’t to difficult).,

Good luck and keep us posted.

Seeingadistance · 12/01/2018 17:50

Please don't get the children to help you propose, or be in any way involved in that or even present. It may well be that your partner and you have already discussed marriage and this is more about confirming something you already have decided together is going to happen - in which case, no proposal required.

A proposal is just that. The person who is being asked must alway have the right to say "no". Having the children there means pressure to say "yes" and it gives the children some really crap messages about men, women and marriage, not least that the man always asks and the woman always says yes.

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2018 17:53

How about giving them all your last name? (If the Fathers are not involved this isn’t too difficult)

The partner might not want to change her name. The children have names they’ve had all their lives. Confused

Original poster
duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 17:53

@blueskyinmarch @PandaPieForTea @fatberg

Thankyou for those who confirmed, unfortuantly no I cant officially adopt my 19 year old step daughter because she is an adult. It is something we discussed and we're looking for ways around but if it cannot happen I know she would like to have my name and for me to adopt her little brother and sister. We are in the Uk at the moment but will be moving to the US at the beginning of 2019 and I think in lots of states adoption can occur up to 21.

OP posts:
Original poster
duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 17:55

@GottadoitGottadoit

I didnt make that clear so I apologise but I thought it would be pretty obvious I have talked about it with their mother before.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 12/01/2018 17:55

Cornflake pisser here too, sorry. If you're looking to blend families and involve kids, you need to do it by mutual, adult discussion. Not by unilaterally 'asking' along with grand gestures. There's a lot to discuss.

fatberg · 12/01/2018 17:57

So if you’ve already done all your research, asked the absent father, checked the laws, what did you post here for?

Will then 20yo move to the US with you?

Original poster
duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 17:59

@Seeingadistance

We have discussed marriage and it is something that we both want, you might think that means no is required but I would like to.

@PurpleDaisies

I know this post wasnt directed at me but I know my parter and my eldest step daughter would like my names (that is especially if I am not allowed to adopt her). The younger two havnt been asked but they will have that option.

OP posts:
Original poster
duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 18:01

@fatberg

I posted to ask whether I should propose marriage and adoption officially at the same time, as the title and OP say. I havnt asked if i should propose or adopt all together.

She is already in the US for Uni, we are moving to join her.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 12/01/2018 18:02

Duckdarlington - I think you should go about this how you originally planned. You know your DP and the DCs better than anyone else and if that what you think is the right thing to do then go for it. You sound like a very kind and genuine person.

Original poster
duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 18:03

@MorrisZapp

Why would you assume we havnt had 'mutual adult conversations'? Of course we have.

OP posts:
Original poster
duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 18:04

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

Thankyou! I already have permission to adopt the youngest two.

OP posts:
PurpleTraitor · 12/01/2018 18:06

Can the children say no?

If they can’t, why would you ask them?

MorrisZapp · 12/01/2018 18:08

I don't get what you're asking. If you've decided to marry and for you to adopt her kids, what's your dilemma?

fatberg · 12/01/2018 18:10

morris, I expect he was looking for lots of squeals about how lovely he was.

PurpleDaisies · 12/01/2018 18:10

I’m confused. Are you an American citizen (or is your wife?). Are you moving permanently to America? If not, he could the American courts help you adopt the oldest daughter?

Original poster
duckdarlington · 12/01/2018 18:18

@PurpleTraitor

Course they can so no, i doubt they will but yes they can still say no

@MorrisZapp @fatberg

I was asking if I should propose marriage and adoption on the same night or if it would be best to do them seperately. Does my title and OP suggest I am asking anything different?

@PurpleDaisies

We both are, we only came to the UK for 2 years.

OP posts:
Xmaspuddingdisaster · 12/01/2018 18:27

If you adopt the others they will all stand to inherit from their adoptive father and the older one will not - make a will if that’s not what you want. You’ve fitted a lot in to just four years (unless you had twins!) it feels a bit forced to me. Is there no chance the deadbeat dad will step up, his dc are only small and it’s very final to give them up like this.