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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To view friend in a different light

62 replies

auriofthemoon · 18/12/2017 16:56

I have a new friend. Someone I'm actually able to have a proper conversation with as I'm usually massively antisocial. It's been great to have someone with the same thoughts and views.

The other day I was found for a cup of tea and the kids were playing and I made a comment about something new of hers and asked her where she got it. She replied with the place and price and then said 'well if I had paid for it' I made a comment about vouchers or something and she replied that she had just forgotten to pay and then didn't bother going back in when she realised.

I don't know why but it's really playing on my mind. Maybe some people wouldn't consider it a big deal but it's just changed the way I feel about her and I'm sort of disappointed.

I am more than happy to be told I am being unreasonable!

OP posts:

Msqueen33 · 18/12/2017 16:58

So she admitted she’d stolen it? I’d feel the same as you.

Allthewaves · 18/12/2017 17:01

Totally get it and would feel the same

OnASummersDay · 18/12/2017 17:03

I would feel the same. I once walked out of Primark with a beach towel over my arm (along with my coat which is why I didn't notice). I paid for my other items, left the store, got on the bus - when I looked down and saw it I got the shock of my life, jumped off the bus and ran back to hand it back in!

I could never have left with it. It was only £5 but still!

RestingGrinchFace · 18/12/2017 17:16

I would feel the same way.

rookiemere · 18/12/2017 17:26

She's a thief, pure and simple.

I remember DH and I got offered a free meal somewhere because I'd complained on their website about it - it was constructive criticism and they were very gracious about it. I told someone in my team at the time about it and low and behold her and her fiancé put in a fake complaint to get a free meal. I had as little as possible to do with her after that.

It is a big deal and the fact she was proud of it means I would see her in a new light too. Someone like that is unlikely to want to pay their fair share on a night out or may take other liberties in the friendship.

MikeUniformMike · 18/12/2017 17:26

It was probably a one off. Let it go this time.

Original poster

auriofthemoon · 18/12/2017 17:28

Ok I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable.

I once walked out of Primark with a £2.50 handbag I'd hooked onto the pushchair. I felt so sick when I realised. Granted I was only 5 foot out the door and went back in and put it back!

I just feel like this new closeness has been ruined slightly and I'm just a bit uncomfortable with how blasé she is with what I consider stealing.

OP posts:

mamahanji · 18/12/2017 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZaraW · 18/12/2017 17:31

You don't know her that well so I wouldn't get attached too quickly. See it as a red flag. It wouldn't be enough for me to stop seeing her.

Ermm · 18/12/2017 17:31

I think it depends on context? How much? Realistically how much of a pain would it be to go back to pay for it? (I suppose she could call though)

If it was say a ten quid vase and shed have to get a train with two screaming toddlers to another town and couldn't remember the name of the shop. Fair enough. It it's a £200 vase from John Lewis - not so much.

Seasonseatings · 18/12/2017 17:32

It depends on context, once I was in Monsoon and they didn't charge me for one item, I didn't realise at the time and didn't go back when I did realise, it was a branch in a station that I haven't been back to.

I would consider my sort of scenario very different from blatant shop lifting. If she was shop lifting then I would probably drop contact

rookiemere · 18/12/2017 17:33

Why don't you bring it up in your next conversation with her, then you can find out if it was some sort of genuine error, or something more sinister.

Tippz · 18/12/2017 17:37

Name change fail OP? You have posted under 2 names...

@auriofthemoon @mamahanji

YANBU. Your friend is a thief.

Original poster

auriofthemoon · 18/12/2017 17:40

Yep definite name change fail

OP posts:

Tippz · 18/12/2017 17:43

Ooooops!

Never mind. Ask MN to delete the post under your other name ASAP. Report it yourself and say 'please remove, name change fail!'

ShuttyTown · 18/12/2017 17:44

Oh my god you're all fucking ridiculous. The woman forgot to pay for it she didn't intentionally go out steal it, I really don't get all the pearl clutching on MN about this. Feeling sick and running back to shops not sleeping and feeling terrible about an cheap item you ACCIDENTALLY forgot to pay for. Ridiculous. I can understand if someone walked out of a showroom with a new car and forgot to pay or a washing machine or something, but really, jumping off a bus and running back to Primark to pay for a beach towel

OP if you are seriously re-thinking a rare decent friendship over this then I think your friend is the one who has dodged a bullet here not you

puglife15 · 18/12/2017 17:45

I think you need more context. I've done this before, was buying a bunch of stuff and had a roll of wrapping paper under my arm, bought the stuff but didn't hand the paper to the cashier and she didn't ask for it, lugged stuff home then realised I still had paper under arm... No way was I going to go back to shop and pay more in parking than the wrapping was worth especially given I'd just spent £30 with them.

WhoWants2Know · 18/12/2017 17:47

I’ve found that these situations crop up sometimes when I’m hanging out with other mums from playgroups or school. Some of the ladies I’ve met are from backgrounds where stuff like stealing is commonplace. It’s almost like a game, like they don’t think anyone could get hurt.

They have so many good attributes that I don’t want to criticise them for what feels almost like a cultural difference. But it does mean I don’t do certain activities with them in case they get sticky fingers when I’m with them.

twiney · 18/12/2017 17:50

Yeah. I struck up a new friendship with a woman who seemed great - until she told me she had lied about contraception to get pregnant with her ex.

I dropped her as a friend I'm afraid.

I couldnt figure out why it bothered me so much until ny sister pointed out: it points to a dishonesty that could well manifest itself at some later point in your friendship. I guess it made me subconsciously think this person could be manipulative and maybe prioritise her own desires over a moral code.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 18/12/2017 17:50

I would take it as a one off, and anyway, a cup? Come on, hardly a priceless necklace.

I did this once at a cafe, ate my meal and left without paying. Totally slipped my mind. When I remembered later in the day my colleagues thought it was hilariously and I was forever known as the "hamburgler"

Original poster

auriofthemoon · 18/12/2017 17:50

I'm not going to throw away a friendship over an isolated incident that I feel uncomfortable with. Like I said, If it happens again and seems to be a regular thing then I will because as much as it may be pearl clutching to you, it's stealing.

Which some people are uncomfortable with. Others apparently not. There's a difference between not being charged for something or accidentally leaving something in the basket, and then not wanting to go back to the shop because it's a 30 minute drive and you've already spent a fortune with them, and making a habit of 'forgetting to pay for stuff'

OP posts:

Tippz · 18/12/2017 17:50

Take a chill pill for fuck's sake @shuttytown

People are just a bit because she didn't seem embarrassed or ashamed about THIEVING the item!

Thanks for your lovely insight and your charming post though. Now run along hun.......

Tippz · 18/12/2017 17:51

Anyone who is not embarrassed or ashamed at stealing something (even accidentally) is a twat.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 18/12/2017 17:54

Anyone who is not embarrassed or ashamed at stealing something (even accidentally) is a twat.

Even accidentally?!?! Jesus get a grip!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 18/12/2017 18:12

Whether it was accidental it not is neither here nor there, really... The point is she boasted about it to a new acquaintance. Clearly feeling victorious, or at least feeling zero shame?

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